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england, a small country on the fringes ofeurope, composed almost entirely of its name sake, ing. but also some iron, coal, brokendreams, tee-tanium (jesus christ), chalk, and dogshit. it is populated by 60 million people, 8 milliondogs, 200 000 parakeet, and notorious paedophiles jimmethy saville, rofl harris, and his royalhighness censored england is not britain, nor the united kingdom,but it often used synonymously with both. britain is the mainland wales, england, andscotland, the united kingdom then includeds northern ireland – england isn’t theseother non sovereign states, but it does own these non sovereign states.
i mean, it doesn’t, they’re equal countriesin the united kingdom, but it doesn’t. england is not the most important country,calm down scotland, its just where all the money is, where all the power lies, whereall the people are, and where the queen, the prime minister, and all the politicians live– i mean not together, well, kind of. they don’t call it gangbang palace for nothing. now i know what you’re thinking – steve,but you’re english – my name’s not steve, but thank you for trying. england occupies the dark corner of europe,diagonally opposite the baltic states, which are all flowers and sunshine, and is and hasbeen historically isolantionist. the romans
beat down the savagery and brought civilisation,the normans came and conquered a backward land, the orange revolution gave the peoplegin, high heels, and the word brother with a v, and the eu brought… oooh er… 70 years of continental peace?fuck off! that isolationism is important in understandingwhat england is – in what the englisher is. england is a land of contrasts – apart fromthe misty shores of jappon there is no culture that has anything like the isolationist, repressive,and whacktastic tastes and values as england. it is based on a strict hierarchy – onethat doesn’t exist anymore, just like cocaine
in miami doesn’t exist anymore … rightat the top you’ve got the madge herself, a constitutional monarch in a country whereeveryone is equal and why not sit on a throne if your family were clever enough to thrashthe peasants, strangle the other strongmen, forge lucrative deals, and elbow its way throughthe aristocracy over the last few centuries. i could have been king if my great grandparentswere wealthy landowners with establisment aspiriations, the means and the willpower,in the right place at the right time. but they weren’t and i’m not: i just didn’tdeserve it. the queen is monarch of the uk, but she isenglish, quintessentially english – reserved, droll, and with a taste in clothes that itmust be a piss take, i mean whose gonna tell
her? big phil probably can’t tell what’slegit, he is the oldest greek in britain. the monarchy and lingering remnants of welldefined classes are important because they’ve divided england – a elite you must be bornin to, a hungry middleclass the army might have to be called to keep pumping merlot into, a working class that’s been divided into lower middle and underclass – peoplewho will never work, whose parents have never worked, and are a bizarre study in sociopsychologicalimmobility, anger, and lack of education. ideal for conscripted fodder for the nextproper war. thanks thatcher! england is also divided between england, andlondon, which thinks its england, although after the vote to leave the eu it clearlyis not.
in fact my friend jumbo knows all about theeu vote let me just call him. jumbo! i was just talking about brexit, and… yeah buti… the english, prim proper, no sex please – that’sall from queen victoria who declared a millennium of vaginal dryness after her husband, princealbert, died during the cthulu war. but we’ll always have a bellend piercingto remember him by. but the thing is the english do like sex, of course they do, they’repeople and they’re rancid, after each other’s precious bodily fluids like vampires on heat. so you have this contradiction in england– american frat boys dreaming of europe aren’t talking about england, because there’sno sex in england.
and the whole teeth thing. but the sexualrepression is so strong in the day it oozes out at night – go to europe for the relaxedattitude to sex and body hair, but they’re all talking about the easy girls and boyson the continent’s rim – opens mouths… err? apart from sex and violence though, there’sthis strong streak of working hard and doing your bit. in many ways england is almost asianin its culture, or its was, putting country first and letting individuals rot, like thecorpses lining the historical roads of an unquenchable imperial majesty. if you wanted me to form a single typicalenglisher, it’d be a slightly mixed race
man called ian williams standing in a windsweptand grey field in a vest with a chip bag hat shouting yes sergeant!. i went all the wayto england for that. the type you might say to run at that machinegun nest, watching them get cut down as you finish the sentence with ‘ after we’vecleared it out.’ then again australians living in england i’vespoken to have all had the impressions that the typical englander is lazy, and i thinkthat might be true as well - it’s the worst customer service in the world, except formogadishu… in fact i don’t think they were aid workers… well the waiters hateyou, you can’t get served in a bar, you’re taking up space if you want to try on a dress.it’s all because they’re only there temporarily,
they’re going on to bigger and better things,to be astronaughts and youtubers. fuck you social mobility! but the day time ridigity gives this impressionthat england is full of passive aggressive jolly hockey sticks types who spend theirtime plotting how to flood china with opium and what the hell to do about those damn maumau. and that’s right, there is an incrediblesmugness amongst the english middle and upper middle class, matched only by the middle classesin france, the middle class in the east coast, west coast, and middle of america, in japan,in korea, germany, india, china – well alright middle class people, and i don’t mean middleclass people like me, i mean the ones who
actually have a company car, a balding husbandor toothile wife, a shitty second apartment they rent to… me, and a baby called tostig,are pretty smug. but england is middle class all over, the way it presents its history,the makeup of its government, the penchant for correcting other peoples grammar. if you’re an american whose lived therei would bet pounds to pesos that someone, in chinos or a blue and white striped shirt,or a blue shirt with a different collar drinking an expensive glass of wine that an italiangarbageman would spit out, that someone has said, oh you’re american, you spell colourwithout the u. that is disrespectful to the language andits origin form hah, kuluur! it’s from the
klingon. as in raktu bah su kuluur? the english on a whole are incredibly snobbywhen its comes from johnny foreigner, “where i come from it is popular to say‘pardon’.†fuck off. it’s a historical thing, and one that ina way is being challenged by political correctness. you see, in england, in britain, they don’ttolerate racism, they don’t tolerate bigotry, you can be from anywhere and believe anything,but you better wave that flag, and you better drink that tea, and you better think the monarchyis great, neo capitalism is good, and that democracy, no matter how ill functioning,is gospel, unless of course the house of lords
overrule it. i’m serious, i’ve been many places thatare not multi-ethnicity, and that have racist elements and many more have bewildered elements– in india’s less popular cities, i was a freak show. they didn’t like my magicact either. in rural mexico people come up to me and ask me about america. but in england,there’s a real crypto xenophobia. lazy europeans, dangerous arabs, tight-fistedeast asians. i’ve heard these traded by not just white middle class, because its notabout being white – but established middle class. the mouths in power keep talking about multiculturalism,but what they mean is multi-ethnicity. they
are striving for monoculture. that may notnecessarily be a bad thing, they have a smelting pot and they want to influence the flavour;you can still worship allah or listen to the hip hop, but they want you to do it in anenglish way. but they won’t say that. after all, you have a youth influenced byamerica, high streets with shops for poles, pakistanis, west africans, films and literaturefrom across the globe, and ever lighter weightage in terms of cultural exports. my parent’s generation could trade on thebriton’s holding out in the second world war. stiff upper lip, show the nazis, or inauthentic englisher, the nazis, what’s what.
the empire was traded for victory over hitler,and that rightly is a point of pride, but that is gone, and now england is a small manshouting in large pub. you know what americans say about england,england? nothing, they don’t say anything, because you’re irrelevant, and that’snot a bad thing, lots of nice places are irrelevant, just accept it. and as england realises it can’t tell brownpeople what to do in a totally non racist way, it tries to export culture, to exportan identity… tooth cracked rock and pinstriped handshakes, corpses of men in bowler hatsmummified by red tape. england might like to present itself as eccentric, but that eccentricitywhilst tangible is utterly conformist.
gadzooks my droogies. the english woman is like a cow, two fat lips,and furrowed brow, the english man is like a bull, a massivejaw and a shrunken skull. but the english nation likes an honest fight,run by upper class twits, fought by working shite, a democracy true and true,where an elite rules me and an elite rules you that’s the beginning of poem written byherman von slauffenmitpiggyburgerhoffen, 1940, i’m not sure if his obvious germanity hasany relevance in that.
of course don’t get me wrong, england, britian,the uk, is pretty good when it comes down to it. i live in a country where they’vejust found out that veracruz was giving kids with leukaemia water instead of medicine forthe last five years. ay carumba that wouldn’t happen in britian. glaxo wouldbe charging the government, the people, through the nose for drugs that work. so england, they’ll question your pronunciation,they’ll smug their way into your death-bed memories, they’ll buy themselves shit brownnail polish for a hundred bucks an 50 millimetre pot, they’ll even suck american cock andinvade a former ally, or two, but they won’t
let a principality let your kids die of cancerso a few hundred people can get rich… but they will let famous celebrities fiddle them. i suppose this is where i say i’m just clowningengland, i love you.
