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[♪ latch key kid: good times] ♪ why don't we step outside ♪ ♪ and change our view ♪ ♪ we don't see eye-to-eye ♪ ♪ sometimes, it's true ♪ ♪ but good times will come around ♪ ♪ when we follow through ♪ ♪ i just want to share a smile ♪ ♪ with a friend like you ♪
♪ a friend like you ♪♪ [man] looks good, right? so my plan is to create thiscluster of live-work lofts all along theperimeter here. and... come here. i also am planning this neighborhood-y dining and retail area in the central square. i even had this thought thatmaybe you, denise and hailey could open up a secondlocation for your store. really? because denisekeeps talking aboutopening up another branch.
well, it'd be great. the land is pricey, so i couldn't develop it right away. but once i sell theferrigno estate, i couldput a down payment on it and still have enough money for the reception in santa barbara. what are you talking about? what reception? zooey, i know it's only been eight months. but i am so madly, insanely, ridiculously in love with you. - will you marry me?- yes! it just happenedtwo minutes ago, hailey. can you believe it?
[woman on phone] no, i can't. it's amazing. oh, my god. i've been on, like, ten million dates and you end up marrying some awesome guy who randomly walks into our store? cute. she doesn't knowshe's on speakerphone. oh, you do not know how lucky you are. it is impossible to finda good guy in this city. - [zooey] i know.- i thought we were connecting. - oh, my god. really? - kind of. i'm sorry,but not really.
hey, will youconference in denise? - [hailey] oh, my god! you called me first? - oh, god. yes. hold on. hi. [laughs] hi. [both laughing] i love that piece of land.it's perfect. i'm glad. i know theneighborhood's a little,you know... [denise] oh, my god, zo! i can't fucking believe you didn't call me first! you are such a freak.hailey's first on my speed dial.
no, i'm kidding. i'm so psyched for you, i feel like i'm gonna puke right now. hold on. barry hateswhen i'm in the houseduring poker night. - give me a second,you fat douche!- get out of the fucking house. - zooey just got engaged! - to who? - [denise] you joking? to peter.- who? me. - [barry] i don't know. - i've met him 20 times. - [denise] you've met him 20 times. - i don't know peter. - you don't know peter?- i have no idea. - we've been on20 dates with him.- i've never met peter.
you are such an asshole. sorry, zo. have you set a date? yes. june 30thin santa barbara. peter booked the placewe went for that long weekend. - so romantic.- oh, my god. he is so romantic. that's where you fucked for the first time, right? uh... no. [denise] no, that was the hot tub in mexico. oh, that's right.santa barbara was just oral.
- you guys. - that's right. the hot tub. you had your period in santa barbara and wanted to wait. god, you're so old-fashioned, zooey. - you told them about the hot tub. - maybe. [denise] wow. june 30th? - yeah, i know. it's soon... - who cares? peter's a doll, and he goes down on you like six times a week. what are you waiting for? marry him. don't wait. lock that tongue down, girl. it's gonna be great.all right, guys, i'llcall you later. i love you.
it's beautiful.it's totally understated. it's perfect. i know! no, he's the best. i feel so lucky.all right. all right, debbie. i'll talk to you tomorrow. bye. honey! i've been totallyhogging the phone.who do you want to call? i'm ok. my parentsare probably asleep,so i'll talk to them tomorrow. - you don't wantto tell any friends?- i'll make calls this weekend. really? well, what about tevin?
you talk to him, like, 20 times a day, right? well, yeah. he workstwo cubicles away from me. i'll see him monday morning. or, what's his name.the one that you fence with. - gil? - gil. gil. gilliam. he's not really a "callright away" kind of friend. - [pops]- whoa. [laughs] - oh! - ha-ha! toasting.
huh... [laughs] - oh, hi! - hi. - congratulations. - thanks, mom. [peter] excellent meat. so good. - [zooey] this is delicious. - [peter] really is, mom. [mother] thank you. but did peter have anygood friends growing up? i honestly don'tremember any. zooey, just to clarify,
my dad worked for ibm, so wemoved a lot when i was a kid. robbie always managed to have friends. he probably wanted to suck their dicks, but... - [mother] oswald! - no, mom, it's cool. i totally did. - but he doesn't have to use that kind of language. - indeed. why? my son is a gay man, and i embrace his lifestyle. it's true. dad loves the gays. i actually made him an honorary homo last month. [makes explosion sound]
the point is, zooey,peter always connectedbetter with women. you know, i can see that, because he's a great boyfriend. - thank you, fiancã©e. - [oswald] you got to understand, peter matured sexually at a very early age. i remember taking him swimming when he was 12. - kid had a bush like a 40-year-old serbian. - oh, come on. - [laughs]- ok. dad, please, stop talking. - good to know.- nice.
- he had a speedo full of brillo. be proud. - [laughter] - [laughing] oh, god. - who invited the standup comedian over here? here's the deal. peter's alwaysbeen a "girlfriend guy." he put all his focus and energyinto his relationships and all his dude friendsfell by the wayside. [peter] don't listen to him.we're eight years apart. barely grew upin the same house. this is ridiculous. why is itweird that i had girlfriends? nothing. we're just sayingyou never had a best friend.
- well, who's your best friend?- i have two. hank mardukas has beenmy closest friend sinceour first year at ibm. - best man at our wedding. - yeah, he was. talk to him two, threetimes a week on thephone for 30 years now. - and then there's robbie. - what's up? whoa... robbie is your other best friend? correct. and hank mardukas. [honking] [♪ spoon: the underdog]
♪ picture yourself in a living room ♪ ♪ your pipe and slippers set out for you ♪ ♪ i know you think that it ain't too far ♪ ♪ but i, i hear a call of a lifetime ring ♪ ♪ felt the need to get up for it ♪ ♪ you cut out the middleman ♪ [man] what the shit is he looking at? ♪ you got no time for the messenger ♪ ♪ got no regard for the thing that you don't understand ♪
davis dunn realty, how may idirect your call? please hold. - ♪ that's why you - will not survive ♪ - [man] hold. - put him through to tevin. - it's very close to downtown. how close do you want to be? thank you, sweetheart. i can't get you that close. because the schools are terrible. [indistinct chattering] skyscrapers were all lit up. i got down on one knee.
- she was totally surprised. - well, i'm jealous, peter. because you nevergave me a shot. [laughs] - but you'll make the best husband. - stop it. stop. - all right, you can continue. - [laughter] - [coughs] - morning, tracy. - [coughing] - hey, tevin. - hey, man. - what's so funny? a guy in my fantasy footballleague sent me a quicktime. it's a grandmariding a sybian machine.
- [laughs] what's that?- it's one of thosevibrating saddles that women sit on to give them super intense orgasms. - oh!- check it out. - [woman] oh, damn! - how sick is that? - very. that's very sick. - so awesome. - [chuckling]- hey. so, what up, dog? how's that ferrigno dealio coming? it's coming good. i'm gettingready to show in a couple weeks. oh, great. i'm gonna throw this out there,
because it's a big piece of house: if you want a co-pilot on this, - i'd be happy to team up with you. - no, i know. - i feel like i want to give myself the challenge... - yeah. - just see how it...i appreciate the offer.- no sweat. hey, anyway,my girlfriend and i... well, we had this very specialevening planned, and i want... oh! she's a squirter! she's squirting! - peter, we got a squirter! - [pda chiming] old faithful!
hello, fiancã©e. [zooey] hey. i totally forgot. it's my turn to host ladies' night. oh, no prob. i havefencing practice anyway. i'll grab a beer with gil and the boys afterward. hit them with the big news. - great! i got to go. love you.- i love you, too. peter! peter! - i'm sending it to you.- no, i don't want it. - you got it. - oh, god! i didn't even click...how does it do...?i didn't even click it on.
- [tapping keyboard] - she's got a bush like a porcupine. i don't want to know about her bush. hi, lynette. - [beeping] - ah! suck it! good bout, gil. sweet bout! good job. wow. way to go, buddy. - great bout. - [gil] fuck off. bro, really sorryi lost my shit out there. i did not see thatinquartada coming.
oh. don't worry.you know, you came inwith a pretty sweet glissade. - anybody seen my manchette? - did you look under your plastron, dickwicker? - fuck you, larry!- oh, fuck you, eugene. - classic. - thank you, larry. [fakes laugh] hey, so you guys want to, like, get some grub, or grab a beer or something? we're actually heading up to joshua tree tonight. what's going on up there? we're doingthis thing for eugene.
kind of a bachelor party/camping trip kind of thing.you know. i didn't even know you were getting married. yeah. taking the leap next sunday. - great. - dirty little slut. he's gonna lose his virginity finally. i've fucked my girlfriend. he's kidding. right on! very cool. very, very cool. - that's... cool. - i would've invited you. i just didn't think you'd be into it.
you never really come out with us after practice. oh, no, dude. don't even.it's so fine. really. thanks, though. thank you, but... it's funny, actually. i just got engaged myself. - wow. that's awesome. - you did? - congratulations. - mazeltov. - that's great. - good luck with that. - thank you. and you too. - thanks. - well, we should probably hit the road. - traffic.
- have a blast. - we'll be back on wednesday. play a u2 record while you're there. - [man laughs] good.because of joshua tree.- that's right. [woman] hilarious, know what i mean? [laughter, screaming] i'm serious. know what my favorite nights are? hanging out with you girls. i can do it guilt-free because barry loves hanging out with his friends too. i mean, every weekend, there's a golf getaway, a ski trip, a weekend in vegas. wait, vegas? you're not worriedhe's gonna cheat on you?
- he's 40 pounds overweight witha jewfro and a small dick.- [laughing] i love him to death, but i'm the best lookingwoman he'll get, and i'm only a seven, so, come on. [woman] you're not a seven. [zooey] peter's not a freakazoid. i don't know. i thinkthis is kind of serious. a guy without friends can be really clingy. like, my brother-in-law drives my sister crazy.
he's always, "when will you be home? where you going?can i come with you? but nothing's on tv. what will i do? be home before midnight." - peter's not like that. please.he's just not like that.- well, just wait. anyway, you've got sixbridesmaids and a maid of honor. it'll be weird if we'rewalking down the aisle alone. [all chattering] so who's gonnabe his best man? i have no idea. i honestly thinkthat his best friend is his mom.
- [all gasp]- [zooey] not like that. peter? peter? [zooey] honey? - hey! - [all] hey! i, uh, made you guys some root beer floats. - [all] wow! - [denise] are those chocolate straws? yeah. pirouettes. pepperidge farm. thank you so much for thefloats, baby. that was so sweet.
- my pleasure. enjoy. - hey, congratulations on the wedding. - congratulations! - [all cheering] i know. it's so exciting. i feel so grownup. - all right, sir. - ok, ma'am. - [laughter] - ok. [zooey] shit! do youthink he heard us? [all] no way. i got to get some fucking friends. this is cool,you're coming to me for help.
the good news isnot only do i know men, but straight guysare my specialty. - what does that mean? - i get bored pursuing gays. i like to give myselfmore of a challenge. - [man] yeah!- excuse me one second. there you go, brother. dig deep, come on. push that shit out. look, i'm pinkies,i'm barely touching it.you're clear. locked it in, dude. nice job. nice lift.
- thanks, man. - you're welcome. - all right. i'll see you around. - i hope so. that guy was totallyflirting with you. i told you. and did yousee his wedding ring?straight as an arrow. i tell you,hooking up is easy. meeting platonicmale friends, not so much. so what do i do?how do i meet friends?it's such a weird concept. well, i can do some recon around the gym. - but you'll have to be aggressive about this, man. - yeah.
use the internet to meet guys. get mom to fix you up. if you see a cool-looking guy, strike up a conversation and ask him on a man-date. - a what? - a man-date. - ok. no.- you know what i mean? by that, i mean a casual lunch or after-work drinks, ok? no dinner and no movies. you're not taking these boys to see the devil wears prada. oh, god, i love that movie.no, i won't.
- i know what you mean.- this is exciting. we're gonna find you some friends. - [peter] i'm gonna... what do i do? - you don't play much? - i used to play a lot of hearts in college. - it's the same thing. i don't even know why he called.he doesn't even play poker. i don't know,but it's zooey's fiancã©, so just shut the fuck upand be nice. if i do this, we're havingsex with the lights on. - really?- yeah. like in jamaica.
- fine. - all night long. fine. love you. my brother's a great guy,you know? i mean, he's smart,he's, uh... i don't know him that well,but i'll give you five freesessions if you take him out. - [woman] go beckham! - [cheering] so glad robbie hooked this up. this is awesome! this is awesome! - me too.- isn't this great, man?i love soccer! here we go, galaxy! here we go!
here we go, galaxy! here we go! - come on, stand up. here we go, galax... - shut the fuck up! - now people are really upset. - you shut up! - you shut up! - tryin' to watch the game! honey, he just moved to la. he barely knows anyone.he's an architect. his mother says he'sso excited to meet you. [peter] robbie told me not to have dinner with any of these guys. oh, your brother's a crazy person.
one dinner won't kill you. - doug?- peter? - hey. - hey. so you justmoved here, huh? i did. pretty recently.a couple weeks. fresh off the boatfrom chicago. - chitown. oh, yeah. - windy city. da bears. oh, those sports guys.you know what else,
the other old saturday night live one i love? what's the onedana carvey does withthe old lady who's like...? - church lady. - yes! isn't that special? that sounded kind ofmore leprechaun-y. - it did? - it did a little. like a leprechaun. - [beeping] - oh. nice to meet you too, mel stein. [mel] oh, the picture's from a couple years back.
[laughs] have a seat. i'm so happy to meet youin person, you know. me too. how long have you been using the internet? oh... threeor four years. i didn't know anything aboutit until a couple years ago. - you're good at it now.- thank you. - and the big dog! - there it is! let me ask you guys.beatles, stones.on a count of three. - one, two, three. beatles. - all in.
- fuck you.- i don't care. - all in. - you're an idiot. - that's you, pal. - i will call in. - too much for me.- anybody else? just me and you?that's it? pot right? - trip queens. - nice. - three ladies. three ladies. - nice hand. - finally. fucking pot.- wait, let's see what he's got. [peter] i've nothing.i have five spades. - that's a flush. - flush!
he's a fucking asshole. - relax. - i'm not gonna relax. - what? - i said you're an asshole, peter. oh, don't take it too seriously. what are you staying inwith seven deuce suited? with a fucking rainbow rag flop! take the fucking chips. i'm buying in. i'm sorry. i didn'tknow it was a rainbow. - is the wine treating you well?- it opened up beautifully.
- excellent. - come on. - hot. hot. - oh, my god. - she's so hot.- she's smoking. - you've done a boat race? - no. drink the fucking beer. you'll get the hang of it. it doesn't matter who's winning. it comes down to you and me.we're the anchors. - let's boat race! race it up.- ain't no luck in boat racing. one! two! three! go!
come on, pete! it's all you, peter! [shouting] - take him down! - one more time! let's go! - [shouting] - ah! [all shouting] - barry! fuck it! - goddamn it, barry! in your face! in your fa... holy shit!
- i'm sorry. - [barry] get out of my house. - i'm so sorry. - [barry] just get out of my fucking house. - i'm sorry. - this is not cool! get the fuck out! i got to tell you, i really enjoyed this. i've been out with so many jerks recently. it's nice to meet somebody i can have an actual conversation with. - let's do it again. - i'd love to. ok, uh...tomorrow night. - matsuhisa. eight. - i will see you there, sir.
awesome. you've been so busy.i've hardly seen youthese past couple weeks. i know. i've been crazy at work. i'm happy to see you now. have you beenkissing someone? no. peter, your mouthtastes like an ashtray. yes. i went to dinner with this guy and he kissed me.
what the fuckare you talking about? my mom set me up with this guy and he thought i was gay, and it was just... it was a misunderstanding. your mom set you upwith a guy? you told me you were goingto dinner with a client. - what the hell is going on?- look, i overheard you talking - to the other girls on your girls' night, and... - i knew it. look, i know you're stressed out that i don't have any close friends, so i've been trying to meet someone.
you... oh. right, you've beentry... so that explains a lot. i thought it was so weirdthat you wantedto hang out with barry. yeah, exactly. guy's a dick.threw up in his face. yeah, i know.denise told me. - i threw up in his... a lot. - yeah. - projectiled. - yeah. - that's a real thing. - yeah. i don't think i'm going to meet anybody by june 30th, so our wedding party's gonna be a little uneven.
peter, i don't care.i just want you to be happy. and to stopkissing strange men. [both laugh] wow, it's reallysmoky in there. yeah, he got up in there. - tongue? - oh, yeah. you wouldn't mindbrushing your teeth? no. i've already done it a couple times. i'll do the mouthwash again.
there's some tom's in the top cabinet. no, i got to gowith chemicals on this. - i love you. - i love you, too. i might use comet. [♪ the flaming lips: the yeah yeah yeah song] ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ if you could blow up the world ♪ ♪ with the flick of a switch ♪ ♪ would you do it? ♪ ♪ if you could make everybody poor ♪
♪ just so you could be rich ♪ it's a pleasureto meet you. i live down there. i like it.i'm liking it. yeah. it's a good space,you know? it's a good vibe. yeah? terrific. well, when the santa anascome through, it is majestic. - thanks. i'm excited. we'll let you know. - ok. thank you. - hello.- hi.
- if you need any help,let me know.- thanks. mmm! - thank you for eating. - i'm the first one, huh? i never understoodwhy people are so afraidto eat at an open house. - i know. - why's ferrigno selling? he bought a place in jackson hole. - ah.- he's tiredof the hollywood grind. right. i've alwayswanted a pad with a giantlou ferrigno statue,
so i thinki've found it. [peter] he's got one. you're wasting your timewith that couple. just fyi. why do you say that? i saw the guy pull in.he's driving a saab 9-3, which, i'm not a snob,it's a great car,but it costs $30,000. this house must be, what,4.2 million dollars? doesn't quite compute,right? i hope that's not the case. he told me he was making an offer.
i think he's trying to impress that girl he hasn't slept with yet. how do you know that? well, it's body language, you know? look, that guy needs to fart. pretty clear. but he won'tdo it in front of her, so i assume theyhaven't slept together. - i like it. you ok? - yeah, i'm fine. i'm good. - he does seem to be clenching.- he doesn't want to fart.
watch. when he gets enoughspace, he'll let one rip. oh, that's a good move. "hey, go check out the kitchen,honey, i'll meet you in there." now watch.he's making his move slowly. slowly but surely.watch the leg. wait for it.wait for it. fart. - that's a fart.- oh, my god. - that's a fucking fart.- oh, my god! look at him crop-dusting youropen house. it's a disgrace.
- he farted in my open house. - he sure did. you know what, guy? i like it, but i'm thinking it might be a little bit small. totally,and it smells like fart. - [woman] what? - [man] never mind. let's take off, baby. come on. [man] roll down the windowsin that car, sweetheart. you called that. that was like a play-by-play. that's amazing. - yeah. well, i know my farts. - unbelievable. listen,just full disclosure.
i have no interestin buying this house. well, then why are you here? to eat your free food andto try to meet a divorcã©e. - are you serious? - i am. i've found that at the classy open houses, the spread isusually pretty decent, and there's a beautifulbevy of attractiveand newly single women. i don't know what to say. thank you for your honesty. thank you for thesundried tomato aioli,
because it'sa revelation. oh, wow. hey,thanks for noticing. i'm taking this panini for the road. there's a open house in bel air that promises to be replete with cougars. - you don't want to miss that. - no, sir. - it was nice to meet you. - you too. hey, let me give youmy business card. in case you're looking for a new home or anything. i specialize in smaller houses. bungalows, that kind of thing.
oh, lovely.let me give you mine as well. - ok. "sydney fife." - that is my name. - there you go. - thank you for the great open house. - my plezh. ok.- all right. - nice to meet you. - you too, sydney. hello. - i can't call him. - why are you being a chickenshit? he gave you his card.it's an open invitation.engage your core. it's beach season. it's beach season.
i hate this. there's no rules for male friendships. why are you freaking out?you went out with guys. - i'm nervous about this one. - because you really like him. all right, buddy,great set. take five,i'll come rub you down. look, if he does call,no more dinners. it's sendingthe wrong message. - i know, i know. - [man] hey, peter! i got an extra ticket to the galaxy game tonight!
you know what? thanks, man. i'm sorry, i can't. i got a, uh... - ...a function. - i got season ticks. i'll get you on the flip side. here we go. hey, thanks a lot for hooking me up with elmo over there. that was a blast. - what? that guy's cool.- here we go.come on, push it out. [squeaking] everything you got! everything you got! [soft whistling] yeah... just do it. hey... pathetic.
sydney, how you doing? it's peter klaven. sydney, it's peter klaven. wemet at the open house last week. get some guts, would you? got some cheese. give me a break. oh, my god. - hey, peter.- hey, carolyn. sorry. [voicemail] fife. you know what to do. hey, peter. it's sydney klaven.no, that's not right. oh! uh... [laughs] sydney, it's peter klaven.
i, uh, met you last weekat an open house and, uh, i had a showing and, uh... anyway, uh, i was wondering ifyou ever wanted to get together and, uh, talk aboutreal estate and whatnot. - or whatnot. and... - hey, sugar. hey. uh... uh... i'm sorry, i forgot what i was going to say. what was i saying? um, yes, the open houseand we met...
anyway, no rush. you call me back whenever you get a mo. get a moment. and, um, we will talk when i talk to you. all right. hope you're having a great day. ok. bye, now. [sighs] fuck. i'm fine with a little mercury poisoning
as long as i get to eat raw fish. i love it so much. my doctor says it's bad if you're trying to get pregnant. - [hailey] i heard that. - which barry and i are doing. - my god, that's so exciting! - ew! - i'm sorry. - what? sorry. i pictured you and barry having sex. - and he's so big and you're so tiny... - hailey. like, i totally imagined barry just like... hold on. why are you even imagining us doing it anyway?
- i'm seeing it again. - well, stop! cut it! - [hailey] no, i love barry. - hey! - hey! - hi! - what are you doing here? - i had a meeting downtown with the ownersof the development site, so thought i'd say hi onmy way back to the office. so, peter, how's your little manhunt coming? really, you told them?shocking. barry and his friends said they had a great time with you the other night.
- [peter] seriously? - no. i don't drink that much and they pound. - they were pounding drinks. - you're not used to drinking. - [pda chimes] - excuse me just a second. peter klaven. excuse me just one... hey, sydney.how are you? is that a man or a woman? i don't know.i never heard of sydney.
uh-huh. i could bein venice by five, yeah. - i can do that. - it's a man-date. this is a man-date. james' beach bar and grill.i look forward to it. sounds great. all right.i'll see you in a jiff! - "see you in a jiff"?- i don't know why i said that.i've never said that in my life. i justsaid "see you in a jiff." honey, you're allflustered. who was that? it was just this guythat i met at my open house.
sydney something or other. - sydney. i like it. - [denise] oh, my god. - peter's got a boyfriend. - and i don't. - god. why is everything about you? - because i'm single. [♪ the bonedaddys: waterslide] ♪ you can wear my underwear vindaloo for us to share ♪ ♪ always dressed in summery tees ♪ ♪ you can play the wild card bury your bones in my yard ♪ ♪ meet me at the waterslide ♪
♪ waterslide ♪♪ i'm meeting him right now. [robbie] no dinner. he'll get the wrong idea. you don't want another tongue-fucking at the valet stand. yes, robbie, i promise.no dinner. dude, i'm pumped about this. call me when you get home. yeah! thank you both. so you break it off with your ex-girlfriend...
yeah, and i metzooey the next day. oh, man, no lajbetween the vag? - what does that mean? - no lag time between vaginas. [laughs] yeah, no. i mean,i didn't plan for itto be like that, you know, with no laj,but it just happened. ah. all right. how's the sex? that's a little private,wouldn't you say? it's something we think about on a second to second basis and yet we're not supposed to talk about it? why?
well... i guess no one's everreally asked me before, but it's good, sex is good. - oh, boy. - what, "oh, boy"? - your voice went up when you said that. - so? it means you weren'tbeing entirely truthful. look, i don't know this girl, so you can talk to me. what's the deal? all right, i guess maybesometimes i wish thatshe enjoyed... you know.
- getting it in the tush? - no. no, no, no. - that's my bad.- oral sex. oh! she doesn't like to put it in the mouth? i can't believei'm telling you this. i don't even know you.forget it. look. zooey's awesome. and we havea great sex life, we really do. i can't... i don't evenknow why i said that. because you're speaking honestly, all right? relax. what about you, huh?have you ever been married?
no. for what i'm looking for, divorcã©es are perfect. they don't want anything serious and neither do i. oh. hey, man. you know,if it works for you... believe me, pistol, it is the best. - pistol? - pistol. because you're pete.so pistol pete. pistol pete. excuse me, youfinishing up here soon? oh, uh, no.
sorry, we're actually staying for dinner. actually, i already have adinner plan with my fiancã©e. no, dude, this place has the best fish tacos in the world. literally. ranked. you got to have one.or two. it's the pico de gallo, man.just use your hands. we're barbariansafter all. men. every once in a while, i go down to the boardwalk and i just throw my own feces like a gorilla. - you all right?- whoo.
how can you disagreewith me on this? it's bad forthe whole world. my lease is gonna be upand i think... - are you talking about hybrid cars? - yes. yes. i thought you were talking about hybrid animals. - hybrid animals? - yeah. what the fuckis a hybrid animal? took andre the giant a barrel of beer to get drunk. - sometimes two. - hello, pretty lady.
- anybody want a peanut?- [laughing] we get a third order of tacos? hands down the best fish tacoi've ever had in my life. - those tortillas were incredible. - they make them in-house. it sets up the flavor for the whole dish. i just realized i nevereven asked you if you wereinterested in buying a house. oh, no. no, why would i be? when you called,i didn't know if you wanted totalk about real estate or not. you seemed like a good dude.
i thought i'd see if youwanted to grab a beer. - i'm glad you called. - you get home safe, pistol. - you got it, joban. - what? - nothing. - no, what'd you say? i don't know. you nicknamed me "pistol" and i just called you "joban." it means nothing. i'm drunk. i'm going to call a cab. [laughs] all right, man. you have my number, yeah? i got you storedin my iphin.
all right. if you need me, call, ok? aw, man, i'm golden. - all right, bud. - all right, man. have a good night. i don't know the numberfor a taxi. [whistles] - hi, baby. - hey. - did you have a good time? - yeah, we did. yeah. sydney's a cool guy. got kind of drunk.
- really? - yeah, i had to take a cab home. really? did you, um...? - throw up in his face? no. - yeah. - oh, good. - that's good. that's good. so is he your best man? it's way too early to tell. butit's very sweet of you to ask. go back to sleep. i'll be in soon. i want to see if i got any hits on ferrigno. ok. - whoomp! there he is! - ah!
- whoomp! there he is! - stop. - ass, ass and titties.- i'm ticklish! uncle. uncle. hey. how was the open hizzy? - the what? - the open house. oh, the open house. oh, it was great. yeah? did you flip that bitch yet? uh, no. i mean, i've hada few nibbles. no bites. nibbles?me no likey nibbles.
- peter, can i talk to you as a friend? - sure. you're dealing with the house of a major hollywood celebrity: mr. louis ferrigno, the hulk from television. - of course. i know that. - how badly do you want to sell? - i need to. you know, for... - i know you need to. do it the old fashioned way.you got to network, meet a lot of people. you got to get them some leave-behinds. i have brochures. brochures are totally different, ok?
- how? - you see this picture right here? yeah. - do you know who took it? - no. m. night shyamalan. the director of the village. - ok. - what's your bus bench ad situation? - i don't have any. - what about urinal cakes? - how about urinal cakes? - do you use them? - when i pee. - that's not what i'm talking about.
go into any olive garden,p.f. chang's chinese bistro, t.g.i. friday's,fuddruckers. what do they have in thebathroom? urinal cakeswith my face on it. - i don't see how... - i've had people come up to me and say, "i know you from somewhere.""yeah, you do. you pissedon my face, friend." i don't see how havingsomebody piss on my face is gonna be able to selllou ferrigno's house. peter, you got the steak, but i got the sizzle, my nizzle. right? why don't we split the listing. ok?
let me wet my beak on this action. we'll both be winners. i appreciate it, but i'd liketo try and do this myself. yeah. absolutely. i'm just putting on my friend hat here. - i appreciate it. - whoomp! there he is! [laughs] oh! watch yourself, big girl. [cell phone rings] - fife. - [peter] hey, sydney. it's the pistol.
who? peter klaven from the james' beach thing the other night. hey, yeah, what's going on, man? not much.i'm working like a dog. but, you know, the usual... the yoozh stuff. i, uh, was just calling to say, hey, i had a great time the other night. yeah, i had a nice time, man. those fish tacos are the tits. yeah, you know, if you ever wantto grab lunch or something,nothing major. actually, i'm gonna take my puggle for a little jaunt on the venice boardwalk.
- you should come meet me. - all right. yeah, great. cool. meet me at muscle beach at, like, i don't know, in a half an hour? muscle beach, half an hour. i'll see you there,or i'll see you on another time. that was very confusing. i don't know if you're gonna come or not. no, i'll be there. i'll be there. all right. i'll see you then, buddy. all right. laters on the menjay. what did i just say?
he's a cross betweena beagle and a pug. the mostbeautiful dog in the world. oh, he's cute.what's his name? anwar sadat. after anwar sadat,former president of egypt. right. because you're a fan of his policies...? no, because theylook exactly alike. hey, so how's ferrigno coming?you got any offers yet? not yet, no. guy that i work with, tevin downey,
he wants to sharethe listing with me. and splitthe commission? what about the land youtold me you wanted to buy? it would puta delay on that, but i got to sellthe place, you know? tevin's a total cheeseball, but he markets himself like crazy. he's on bus bench ads all over town. he says the placeis out of my league. hey, that is bullshit.all right?
that open housewas understated,it was classy and elegant. i've been to a millionof them and nobody puts outrosemary flatbread paninis. now hold on,my dog needs to shit. i'm trying to sell the place, believe me, but... hey, no, pete. "trying" is having the intention to fail. you got to scrap that word from your vocab. say you're gonna do itand you will. come on, buddy. good boy. you need a plastic bag or...?
oh, no, i don'tclean up after my dog. dog poop is like a compost. it's got a ton of nutrientsthat enrich the soil. but we're on pavement. goddamn it! how aboutcleaning up after your dog!? you mind your own fuckhole! - [screaming] - what the fuck?! psycho. - what was that? - i'm a man, peter.
i've got an oceanof testosterone flowingthrough my veins. society tells usto act civilized, but we're animals and sometimesyou got to let it out. try it. i'm not going to startscreaming in the middleof the venice boardwalk. come with me. - [peter] this is silly.- [sydney] indulge me. - ah!- that was really good. now gently removeyour tampon and try again. bah! ah!
- respect the process. - ah! - why mock the process? - it doesn't do anything. if you don't yell,i'll punch youin your stomach. [screaming] that was really good, man.that was terrifying. you just scared my dog. [muffled screaming] - you feel better? - yeah. - wanna get a corn dog?- yeah!
- let's go. - ah! [♪ vampire weekend: campus] ...the span of this,like, i don't know, 30 pages.it's insane. it's crazy. i know. i read it in college and i loved it. oh, what a great house. thanks, man. yeah,come check out the back. - this is a bumper car i got on ebay. - wow. i was in a bidding war with carnivalkid 32, so i had to go on the "buyit now" price, but i got it.
- coolness.- you remember marlena. - hey, "lenish."- now let's check outthe piã¨ce de rã©sistance, bitch. i want to do it.oh, separate garage. - mr. klaven. - very nice. welcome to the temple of doom. holy shit, sydney.this place is insane. - holy fuck. oh, my god.- thanks, man. i try. - this is amazing. - thank you, sir. - you got some tvs. - i do, i do.
fotografas. - beer? - i'll snake a brew. - put on some tunes. - is that you? yeah. yeah, that's mein ninth grade, man. - are you that little kid? - yeah, i was a late bloomer. - "wrecking crew."- come and take a load off, bud. - oh, man. - pop a squizz nut. - what's going on over there?- oh. this is where i jerk off. and, uh...
...the condoms? - i wear them when i masturbate.- are you kidding me? i always get this reaction, but the fact is they decrease sensitivity so i can last longer. and there's nosticky mess to clean up. huh. and when your divorcã©es come over, you put them away? pete, this isthe man cave. there's no womenallowed in here.
i got a jerkoff station,for god's sakes. sit down, man. when your guy friends come over? aren't you embarrassed? masturbation isa part of life, pete. dudes masturbate.so do chicks. you never talkedabout masturbatingwith your friends? - no, i haven't.- all right. when was the last time you did it, pete? i'm not going to tell you that.
listen, you thinkof this place as acone of silence, all right? i won't tell anybody anyof the things you say in here.you have my word. zooey went to the pasadena flea market with her friends last weekend, - and i did it then. - well, that sounds lovely. - [laughs] - what'd you use? internet or dvd? - how do you get me to tell you these things? - come on. i used a picture of zooey in a bikini that i took when we were on vacation in cabo san lucas. wait, you jacked off to apicture of your own girlfriend?
you... that... wow.that is sick. oh, my god!what is wrong with you? - what's wrong with that? - so much wrong with that. - i don't even know where to begin. - [pda chimes] - that is sick, man. - someone's ears were burning. heard you say you jacked offto her picture, sicko. hey, babe. good. yeah, i'm at sydney's.we're just chillaxing. we're in the chill station.
yeah, i'm kind ofplaying hooky from work. no, i'll see you at home later on. love you, too. bye-bye. hey, why'd you tell her you bailed from work? i didn't want to lie to her. you're one of the mosthonest people i met.you can understand that. i never lie to women, but there are some thingsi choose not to share with them. well, i don't reallysee the distinction.
really? so you've told zooeythat you jacked off to herpicture last weekend? well, no, but... you shared that information with me, didn't you? so there are dividing lines. that's all i'm trying to say. i love to take a girl outto dinner, but i'm not gonnago golf 18 holes with her. zooey and i played golftogether a couple of months ago.it was really fun. sounds likea fucking nightmare. - what do you play? - i play a little bit of everything, but if i had to narrow itdown to one, i guessi'd say i'm an axman.
- oh, sweet. guitar. - what about you? you play anything? i used to slap the bass in high school jazz band. - all right. - rush. i love rush. dude, rush is thegreatest band of all time. yeah, no, how about of all time? - all time. - you know what? we should jam together sometime, man. yeah. totally. totes mcgotes. cool. well, you know what, i should probably hit it to it.
all right, yeah. i gotto get to bed early, anyway. i'm doing a big day hike withmy buddies in malibu tomorrow. hey, thanks a lot. it was a good hang. - yeah.- sweet, sweet hanging. - well, adios, pistol. - take it easy, city slicker. i called you "city slicker." - that sucks. - no, it was pretty close. it's a lame nickname. it was good.it was better than "joban."
oh, yeah, right. i'll get it. i'll get a better one. - dude, it was fine. - i'm going to get you, sucka. get out of here.get out of here. later on, my machi... [woman] peter, i have louferrigno for you on line three. put him through. mr. ferrigno.hey, it's peter klaven. [lou] peter, what the hell's going on? if you go past the first area to the left, he's right there.
- sure. what's your name? - leanne. leanne. that wasmy mother's name. - really?- i don't know. was it? peter, it's been on the market for three weeks, and we haven't gotten one offer. that's why we're havinganother open house this weekend. hello, mystery woman. i think it was very beneficial,very beneficial. beneficial? so you're telling me we're gonna sell this house? absolutely. and i've gotten many nibbles this week.
- nibbles? - yes, sir. it's all about food with you. no one cares about the stupid sandwiches you put out. no, sir. no,i absolutely agree with you. you want to sell a houseand not a panini. - paninis? paninis?! - yes, sir. - don't make him angry. - enough with the cold cuts, the condiments. you wouldn't like himwhen he's angry. what the hell you think this is?
no, i understand. an open house and not a deli. peter? hello? you need to focus. - yep. i think... - [growling] let people know my house is for sale. forget about the sandwiches and focus on selling my fucking house. - let's do this, ok? - i... yes, sir. - goodbye.- all right, thank you. bye-bye. you all right? - hulk busting your balls? - yeah.
- what are you doing here? - oh, my blood bank's a few blocks away.i'm ab negative. it's extremely rare, so i tryto donate every couple weeks. oh, that'sreally nice, sydney. there's also this nurse therewho i want to fuck so badly. oh, boy, here we go.should have guessed. weren't you supposed to hike with your friends? yeah, a couple of them hadto bail, but we'll reschedule. listen, i got a house fullof leftover koo koo roo,
so maybe we could go grabsome lunch and squeezein a little jam session? leftover koo koo roo? well, that sounds about as appetizing as a big plate of... of dirt, or something. i'm kidding. yeah. i still want to hang outdespite that joke. - that was a bad joke.- yeah. you're better than that. [guitars feeding back] [playing tom sawyer]
♪ a modern-day warrior mean, mean stride ♪ ♪ today's tom sawyer mean, mean pride ♪ that's it. - how's that feel? - it feels tasty. - yeah? you sound pretty good, buddy. - thanks, man. here we go. ♪ though his mind is not for rent ♪ ♪ don't put him down as arrogant ♪ ♪ his reserve a quiet defense ♪
♪ riding out the days events ♪ ♪ buh, buh, buh ♪ ♪ the river ♪ whoa! wow, that'sa good one, bud. oh, hey,check out these two. i call them "bowsers."it's my nickname for peoplewho look just like their dog. good boy. bowsers? where'd youcome up with that?
- it sounded right. - ah, shit. hey, geek! i just stepped in your dog's shit. now i'm gonnamake you eat it. [laughs] peter, run! - yeah! - take it. ♪ today's tom sawyer he gets high on you ♪ ♪ and the space he invades he gets by on you ♪ it's a bit of a throwback.but it comes with the built-ins,it's wired for sound. this is fun. this isa pair of jeans that he...
this house is exquisite. i'd like to make an offer. what do you think, hon? [guitar solo] [bass solo] [zooey] yeah, i don't like that.but for the most part... - [ringing] - take it. - really?- yeah, take it. sydney, what's up, man?
what happened? what? shut up! no. did it smell weird? is it discolored? [babbling] [mumbling] shut the fuck up! [peter] so how long have you guys known sydney? - [man] it feels like forever. - remember that time we tripped acid together
- and he made us watch the news? - that was a remarkable night. - dude. dude. don't. dude. - don't be scared. - don't lean!- stop it. drive! drive! [screaming] yeah, pistol. - dude, peter is on fire. - sh! - booyah! yeah!- fuck me raw! - that's what i'm talking about.- sweet lunge, peter. - yeah, pete.- suck it, gil!
i love it! marvin berry. you remember that new soundyou were looking for? [soloing] pete! ah! - are you all right? - my fucking ass. - hey, you did great today. - i made it to the top. first time. - hey, nice meeting you. - yeah, nice meeting you guys. - alrighty, syd.- wait, where you going?
sunday night. tina's nephews are coming. we're going to watch mr. magorium's wonder emporium. it's just i thoughtwe'd have dinner togetherso i ordered us a six-foot sub. [man] i got to bolt. i promised the kids i'd take them to cheeseria. - a little pizza action. - i'll just be stuck at home grading papers tonight, - but thanks anyway. all right?- fun day, guys. - pete? - oh, man, you know, on sunday night zooeyand i usually watch hbo. right. yeah, yeah,of course. cool.
but i can't let you eat a six-foot sub all by yourself. - do you want some? - i had a foot and a half at sydney's. i'm golden. so, what do you guys do for,like, seven straight hours? whatever. like, we'll just hang out, you know. shoot the shit. sometimes we jama little bit. you play an instrument? yeah. i can't believe i'venever told you. i play bass. - really? - oh, yeah. i slap the bass big time. what do you...? what is that?you sound like a leprechaun.
no, that's a reggae guy.i just did reggae. - doesn't sound... - it doesn't sound reggae? slap the bass. how does it...? it's like "big time,big time." big time. slap the bass big time. - mmm... - slapa the bass. - that sounded like borat. - yeah. - slap the bass. big time.- that's better. that's better. we've gotten pretty goodat a couple rush songs.
what do you mean,like, fast-paced rock? no, like, rush.like, the band rush. - i don't know them.- the holy triumvirate. - wait, you don't know rush? - no. - you don't know rush, the band?- no. mm-mm. - "exit the warrior, today's tom sawy"? - no! all right, i'm going to hit you up with a little itunes acciã³n. i cannot believeyou've never heard rush. so when am i gonnameet this guy who'sstolen you away from me?
soon. i invited himto that engagement party myparents are throwing for us. wow, peter!this is serious. it's mellow. i wanted tointroduce him to hailey. oh, that's interesting.yeah, i like that. let me ask you something. are you ready to get your world rocked? ready! yes. - are you readyto get your mind blown?- do it! - do you want neil peartall up in you?- i don't know.
well, prepareto be rushified! [faint rock music plays] - sounds better on big speakers.- i could see that. - good, right? - yeah. do you do it that high when you do it? well, in real life, i do it low. - but air bass works best up here. - right. - [laughs] - this is exactly what i look like when i jam out, man. when i jam with my bass.
slapa the bass, man. i'm slapping the bass, man. - there you go. - slapa the bass, man. - i slapa the bassa.- please don't do that. - slapa the bass. - please? slapa the bass. - for the sake of our relationship. - slapa that bass. please stop.please. please stop! - thank you.- i'm slapping the bass. i'm so glad you'recelebrating at my restaurant.
of course. we wouldn't go anywhere else. this is my brother, robbie.robbie, this is sydney. - hey, bro namath. - nice. nice to meet you. peter, you remember alan. - from the gym. - yeah, hey, man. - hi, good to see you again.- i'm sydney. nice to meet you. - it's a pleasure, man.- we're gonna grab some drinks. - cool, sweet.- show them your stuff, fellas. - hi. - hey!
zooey, this is sydney. sydney, this is my fiancã©e, zooey. i'm so happy to meet you.i've heard so many great things. same here. and let me tell you, this guy, he's gaga over you. - it's adorable. honestly. - guilty as charged. hailey. hailey. sydney, this is my oldestfriend in the world, hailey. - oh, all right. hi. - i'm good. [laughs] you didn't ask, but i'm good.
- nice to meet you, sydney. - it's a pleasure. oh, great.i told you we were early. would you shut up?the minute we get in you haveto start bitching already? you told me it was a drop-by. this is not a drop-by.it's a damn engagement party. - can i have a belvedere on the rocks? - you're such an asshole. something with sour mix in it for her. i'm sorry they didn'tcater this to youand your liking. hi, you look beautiful!
- hello, sweetie. how you doing, baby? - thanks for coming. - you guys know each other. - yeah. - so...- what do you got there? sex on the beach. yeah. you never know! got to be prepared. the possibility. i'm just saying, you know. - what is going on over there? - i'll tell you. - that her date? - i'll give you the lowdown. should we, uh...?
what's up? hey, i don't remember. do you play an instrument? - no. - because syd and i, my buddy, - we've been jamminga lot at his house.- i don't play any instruments. i slap some bass. and then sydney's an axman. because i was going to say if you wanted to jam with us, you know, that'd be cool. you have a piano in your house, though, don't you? - yeah, i don't play.- really?why do you have a piano? the decoratorput it there.
your dec...? is he? i thought maybe... no one plays? - i'm going to go check on the table. - all right. - hi. i'm denise. - denise. - i'm zooey's friend.- i've heard about you. it smells like a fucking pet shop in here. mrs. klaven, the banquet room is ready. - [oswald] who's mr. sunshine?- hi. this is my husband, barry. come on back, everybody. the banquet room is ready. well, i'm filling myself up like i need to undo my pants.
it's a lot of protein, but i love it. [glass clinking] if i may, i think it's only fitting that we're eating tonightat hop louie's. this is, after all, peter's favorite restaurant to bring all of his dates. so of course he would bring zooey here their first night out. - just like the rest of them. - ah! oh... i remember that night when petergot home, he called and said: "mom, this is the girl i'm going to marry.
not just because she wanted an extra order of slippery shrimp." - [laughter] - on the first date? - hey, now. - sometimes. but the point is, here we are eight months later. peter, zooey... ...we love you... ...and we wish only the best for you both. - cheers. - to peter and zooey. - [all] cheers. - [peter] thanks, mom.
- [sydney] cheers, bro.- thanks. i promised denise we'd be gone after appetizers, so... i'd actually like to just say a few words, if it's cool with the table. wow. [clears throat] what an honor it is to be sitting here with peter andzooey's friends, family, hailey, robbie's lover,robbie, oz, joyce. thank you for hosting this beautiful dinner. you got this guy with the smoking hot wife.
and finally... ...we got zooey. zooey, you are about to marry one of the most honest, kind and fun-loving people i'veever had the honor of knowing. the pistol is a pleasure-giver,for sure. yeah. a fuckingpuke pistol. and the thing about a man like that, a man like peter, is that he never asks for anything in return. and that's why i'm here.
i'm here as peter's friend... ...as peter's confidant... ...just to say to you... ...beautiful zooey: give it back. yeah? return the favor. and if you do, i guarantee that you will have a beautiful and pleasure-filled union. - i don't thinkshe sucks his dick.- oh, watch your mouth.
with that, i'd like to raise a glass to pete and zooey. cheers. - peter and zooey. - cheers. what the hell did youtell sydney about me? nothing. i mean, aside fromhow much i love you. so, what was with all that"pleasure-giver" stuff? i don't... i might have mentioned in passing, or something,
that you don't like doing, um, oral sex. ew! peter,that stuff is private. oh, is it? really? and telling hailey and denise - about the hot tubin mexico isn't?- that is so different. - what? how? - i've known them forever. - so? - peter, see, sydney's like a stranger. hardly. he's become a really good friend. now you know how i feel when there's no privacy - between you and your girlfriends. - you love them.
i do, i love them, but some things i want to remain between you and me. ok. ok. by the way, it's notthat i don't like doing it. it's just that rodneyjust hated getting them. wait, what guy hates getting blowjobs? he had some weird intimacy problems, ok? by the end of our relationship,he'd literally shiverwhen i touched him. but before that, i always liked it.
i liked it. great. that's great. perfect. no pressure. it's not like i'm saying: "hey, let's go home tonight and get some bjs." if sydney hadn't asked me about our sex life, we wouldn't be talking about this. - that's true. - yeah. you're right. - and hailey was reallyinto him.- she was?
she liked how honestand direct he was with her. that's his thing. - the four of us should go out.- yeah. that'd be great. sweet. - [sydney] have a good pilates class. - [woman] i will. [sydney] be sureto drink lots of water. hey, pete,let's go out back, yeah? yeah. - she was very nice-looking. - yeah, i fucked her.
[sydney] i wonderif my pineapplematches your pineapple. [peter] want to check? nope. yours is short and fatand mine is long and skinny. - can i talk to you about something? - yeah, what's up? will you put downyour treat for a minute? i feel really horrible about that toast i gave at your engagement dinner. - oh. - it was ridonculous. i was really excited to meetzooey and your family. and then i showed up there and i was just... i got so nervous.
- it wasn't so great. - i want you to know i'm really sorry. everybody must hate me. - no. look,you had good intentions.- i did. i know one personthat didn't hate you. was it benji's wife? she's a hot piece of ass. - no, hailey. - oh, yeah. she was funny. i think she likes you. we should all go out. she seems great,but honestly, within five minutes,she was telling me
how she can't wait to get married and have kids. she was kidding around. i made reservations to play golfon sunday for the four of us. pete, i told you, i don't play sports with women. man, you told my fiancã©e thatshe needs to give me blowies in front of my whole family.you owe me. - you make a valid point. - it's golf! it's fun! i never have a beeruntil the ninth hole. maybe we can change that rule.
- ok.- keep your head down and fluid. great, come on. you got it. - oh, my god! - whoa! oh! zooey, that was a great shot. really good. i'm really impressed. - ow!- oh! i'm sorry! - i'm sorry. i'm sorry.- fuck! sorry.i'm sorry, sydney. motherfucker!
fucking cock in my fucking shit! god! - mary. - you ok, man? - i'm sorry.- this is my nightmare! - whack it up. - whack it, hails. - beautiful day.- yeah, it is. it's really nice. - it's kind of frustrating. - yeah. my shin hurts. didn't realize my skin could bruise quickly. - you're good.- guys! you're killing us here.
- seriously.get the ladies moving.- just give me a second. rate of play, rate of play, rate of play, rate of play. you know what? why don't we just pick it up and move down the fairway. because she won't have a chance to practice, right, peter? he's got a point.we're really holdingthese guys up. you're being an asshole.hailey, take your time. he's not being an asshole. there's a protocol. - the marshals come by and there is some time pressure. - this sucks. i'm out of here. please don't go.
- where are you going? - come on. it's ok. - i'm sorry. please come back. - come on. - did you say something?- no. thank you. [pda chimes] - hey, man. - dude von dudenstein, what are you doing tonight? i just left you half an hour ago. i'm watching hbo with zooey. i know, but i just got an e-mail alert from the rush fan club.
the holy trinity is playing a gig tonight at the avalon. dude, it's sunday night.i can't bail on her again. dude, you have your whole life to watch premium cable with zooey. whatever, it's our ritual. it's hbo. it's not tv, it's hbo. have you watched sunday night on hbo? it's spectacular. it's fucking rush. i haven't seen themsince the signals tour. can i invite zooey?
[♪ rush: limelight] ♪ living on a lighted stage approaches the unreal ♪ ♪ for those who think and feel ♪ ♪ in touch with some reality beyond the gilded cage ♪ whoo! - slapping the bass! - slapping the bass! ♪ ill-equipped to act ♪ ♪ with insufficient tact ♪ ♪ one must put up barriers to keep oneself intact ♪
♪ living in the limelight the universal dream ♪ ♪ for those who wish to seem ♪ ♪ those who wish to be ♪ ♪ must put aside the alienation ♪ ♪ get on with the fascination ♪ ♪ the real relation the underlying theme ♪ [muted audio] ♪ living in a fisheye lens caught in the camera eye ♪ [peter singing]
♪ concert hall fly by night away from here ♪ my god. we could practice every day for six months, and i'm planning on it, and we'll still suck. yeah. i'll give you a call. all right. take it easy, magooch. - were you spying on me?- yeah, i was. because i'm totallyweirded out about what's going onbetween you two. we were just going over the set list. what's the big deal?
the big deal is that we weresupposed to have a date night, and you took me to thisconcert, which is cool. we get there andit's like i don't exist. you don't even look at me,you're licking sydney'sbass guitar. there were tons of guys that were licking each other's basses. i just feel like i'mlosing you a little bit. what? we were just doinga recap of the set list. - what? zooey. - ok. i was going over the set list.
so the big day's coming up.how are you feeling? i was feeling really good, but zooey and i have been fighting a lot recently. let me ask you a question:why are you marrying her? what kind of question is that? well, it seems to me likeyou've gone from relationshipto relationship, so is zooey the one,or is she just the next one? - no, she's the one. - all right, well, how come? because.
i don't know. we're in love. - mmm? - and, uh... that's a hard question to answer. oh, listen, i'm nottrying to push you at all. it's just, for me, sometimestalking this stuff out helpsclarify things. that's all. let's go try onsome penguin suits. thank you, lovely.what's your name? - racquel. - that was my mother's name. so i'm thinking about asking tevin if he wants in
on the ferrigno house. [sydney] dude, i pissed on thatguy's face at a bennigan's. you do not need to besplitting commissionwith that frosty-haired chode. i have to face facts, syd. i'm a flats guy, you know? tevin's got the flash needed to sell the place. - what do you think? - you look fucking stiff. we're shopping for tuxedosfor your wedding.let's have a good time. loosen it upa little bit. i want to take a photo.give me an action pose.
like what? what do you mean? you're wearing a tuxedo.what do you think i mean? when have you seen anyone in a tuxedo do that move? - besides runaway bride.- the espys. you're wearing a tuxedo.think james bond.give me some james bond. no. it just lookslike you're pointing at me. - you look ridiculous, man.- what am i suppo...? how can i? - think timothy dalton.- oh, t-dalt. oh, hey,that's pretty good.
give me your best bond impression. [accent] why don't you get off your board and get out of my dreamsand into my car. you looking for your pot of gold? why does everything i dosound like a leprechaun? you tell me. he speakslike the coolest man on earth. - the name is bond. - there you go. oh, yeah. the name is james bond. - james bond. - [laughs]
i'll have a margarita. well, hey there,miss moneypussy. - want to jump on my jetpack? - [laughs] all right. enough of that. let's just take the picture. arch an eyebrow for me. other eyebrow. no, you just look confused. arch your eyebrow up. - no, not both, just one. - i don't know how...
all right, maybe i was wrong. let's see the back. - i'm notin love with the drape.- what's wrong with it? - does the vent move funny? - wear something with more pizzazz, more flash. - don't like the split panel? - peacock it. - no. mm-mm. - let's try, uh... - are those checkers? - here. give this one a try. - gimme a break.- come on. i can't fricking pull that off. it's blue. look at me. you havethis image of yourself
as this straight-laced,tight guy. but i've seen youcut loose in the man caveand it is fantastic. well, yeah. slap a little bass. it's the samewith the ferrigno house. you have all of theskills in the world,and you have no confidence. now, sack up, man. put on the fucking suit. i can't believe you just touched my balls. eh...
[sydney] i also wantedto talk to you about something. this investment opportunity hascome up. it's a total winner. the only problem is all my fundsare tied up in equitiesso i'm cash poor right now. - uh-huh? - so i was wondering if you would consider loaning me a few shekels? [peter] uh, how much are we talking about? you know... - eight? - $8,000. that's a lot of...
that's a lot of quiche, you know? a lot of cake. it might be a little tricky just because zooey's dad is out of the picture. - we're paying for the wedding ourselves. - enough said. an opportunity came up,i thought i would ask.no big deal. uh, can you tell me about the investment? i can't, actually. it'sconfidential in nature, so... ok. let me think about it. yeah, of course, buddy.
- hello, peter.- doug! - this is my, uh... - sydney. sydney. this is sydney. it takes a lot of nerveto spend a beautiful eveningwith someone, and then nevercall them again. doug, i can explain. i just wishi could take back that kiss. - oh. - because i felt something that i haven't felt in years, and now i know... it was the taste of betrayal.
it wasn't the taste of betrayal. - it was the taste of betrayal.- wasn't. it was the taste of betrayal,you fucking whore. - doug. - good day. doug, wait. - i can explain what happened.- i would love to hear that. [sydney] wow. i knew when i got the nod for the engagement dinner you didn't have a ton of friends, but i had no idea it went that far.
truth is, i neverthought about ituntil zooey and i got engaged. you were basically using mebecause you needed tofill out your wedding party. dude, no.not it at all. i'd actually given upon meeting someone, and then you wanderedinto that open house,we hit it off and three quartersof the rush songbook later,here we are. - i just wish you'd have told me. - well, i was embarrassed. you've had a close groupof male friends your whole life.i haven't. i started feelinglike some kind of weirdo.
i get it. but i just want you to know that you're my friend. and you can tell me anything. thanks, sydney.i appreciate that. hey, look, about that investment. pete, please. forget i evenbrought it up. honestly. i've saved my whole life. you're right: i'm going to sell the ferrigno place. fuck, yeah, you are. i'd be happy to lend you the money. i know you're good for it.
pistol, that is great.thank you. it's the least i could do for the best man at my wedding. what are you talking about? i want you tostand up there with me. - are you cool with that? - am i cool with that? of course i'll be your best man!that's an honor! [laughs] you're a whore, peter. - [peter] we're almost there. - [zooey] i think so.
it's just about putting the random people together. we should talk about the main table. because if hailey doesn't find a date before the wedding, which, let's be honest, it seems pretty likely that she won't... - i know.- ...we have anextra seat at our table. i was thinking that maybe sydneywould sit at our table. i asked himto be my best man. great! that's awesome. that was the whole thing. i'm not an idiot. you're notpsyched about this at all.
no, it's just... i feel likehe has some issue with me. what? no. you guys just haven'tspent any time together. - we've spent some time together. - i'll talk to him. do not talk to him.he'll think i'm saying stuffbehind his back. you are. no. i'm just sharinga feeling with you. - and i want you to. - but, peter, please don't say anything to him. ok, i won't. so we still have to pick up the marriage license.
- can you meet up tomorrow afternoon? - totally, yeah. perfect. so, what'd she say about me being your best man? oh, she was pumped.she thought it was awesome. - come on, dude. - i'm the worst liar. i promised heri wouldn't say anything. well, what is it? she thinks youdon't like her. what? no, of course i like her. we've only hungout a few times,
but she's gonna be your wife. of course i like her. this dumb toast is gonna haunt me forever. - oh, man! - [indistinct chatter] [sydney] dude, why is ferrigno eating with that urinal cake-faced fuckhead?! oh, we got to confront him. hold this. no, wait. sydney, wait, wait.wait. sydney! hey! hey! hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! what the fuck is going on here? - do i know you?- no. you don't know me.
but you know my friend peter klaven, who has an exclusive listingon this man's property. you promised peter the commission to your house. i know, but he'snot doing shit with it. that is total crap, hulk, all right?! this kind of stuff doesn't happen overnight. who the hell is this guy? hulk, let me tell you about peter. get your handout of my face,
and stop calling me "hulk."i'm a person, ok? - "i'm a person, ok?" - i warned you. oh, you warned me? i'm on my way to the marriage bureau. - [sydney] fuck you, lou! - is that sydney? - hey! - fuck you, hulk! oh, shit. - what are you doing? - what's going on? [peter] sydney's fighting ferrigno.
[sydney] peter! he's so strong! - easy. don't fight it.- the hulk has mein a sleeper hold. - i don't think i can take... - easy. that's it. [zooey] peter! - wow.- peter! why would anyone get in a fight with lou ferrigno? sydney's a hothead. he thoughthe was standing up for me. - to the incredible hulk? - no, that's just a character he played. in real life, lou's actually a sweet man.
so, what does that mean for your development property? it means it's over. without the ferrigno commission i won't be able to afford it. you have money saved up.can't you just write them acheck to show your good faith? between the wedding,and then... i lent sydney some money... i'm going to be short. that's it. [zooey] wait. wait, wait,wait, wait, wait. - you lent sydney money?- for an investment.
all his money's tied up inequities. he'll pay me back. that's not the point.we're getting married. you can't keep stufflike this from me. can i ask you a question? why do you think we're getting married? [laughs] whatare you talking about? sydney asked me that question, and i couldn't... "well, why zooey?" and i didn't know how to answer it. are you kidding?you're kidding, right?
- yes.- two weeks before our wedding, and you don't knowwhy you're marrying me? just forget it. it was a stupid question. i don't even knowwhat i was thinking. take it back ten secondsbefore i asked it,and let's live in that time. the thing is, peter,i get why you wouldwonder that. i do. but i wish you would haveanswered the questionbefore you proposed to me. that's the thing. before, i didn't even think about it. that came out bad too. i didn't... i'm so...
i'm confused. don't know what i'm saying. let me make this a little simpler for you. i'm gonna go stay with denise and barry. and you and your bud sydney can hang out and beat up lou ferrigno and go to rush concerts and ride a tandem bicycle down the venice boardwalk for all i care. - we never rode bicycles. - goodbye! zooey, come on!this is ridiculous! zooey! - zooey! - [door slams]
[♪ matt costa: mr. pitiful] ♪ oh, mr. pitiful who let you down? ♪ ♪ who let you down? who let you down? ♪ ♪ you still don't believe you don't believe ♪ - oh, my god! - ♪ your grievances show ♪ ♪ when your soap box unfolds ♪ - oh... my god! - ♪ from that cloud ♪ all right, he put up some billboards. put up some billboards.
oh, my god! no! aw, god! no! oh, fuck me over. fucking fucking fuck! are you kidding me? come on! - [knock on door] - yeah, it's open. - hey. - that's what you borrowed $8,000 for? you saw the billboards. pretty awesome, right? - pretty awesome?- my buddy dave sells ad space.
- we got us a great deal. - pretty awesome? they're idiotic. you put my faceon a ten-foot dickover santa monica boulevard. - yeah. it's hilarious. - well, in one day you managed to screw my career, - you ruined my relationship...- ruined your relationship? zooey walked out on mebecause i asked herwhy we were getting married. why would you ask her that? pete, that conversation was between you and me. you can't have that talk with her. look, i assumed you understood that.
god, i am so sickof your ridiculous rules. i like it that i canshare things with zooey. i like it that if i can'tsleep at night,she's there to talk to. do you know the best nighti've had in the last five years is the night zooeyand i split a bottle of wine,made a summer salad - and watched chocolat together. - you mean chocolate? - chocolat. - chocolate, with johnny depp. - chocolat. - you're not french. it's chocolate. - "chocolate's" got an "e." your favorite night. - yes.
your best night is watching chocolate with johnny depp? the combinationof wine and summer saladand chocolat, yeah. - you should be embarrassed. - you're threatened by what zooey and i have. you're afraid i won'tbe able to hang out. hey, i have a ton of friends, all right? yeah, who are allmoving on with their lives. they're in relationships. they have kids.they're growing up. let's not forget, you were the one using me.
- i think we were using each other. - whatever. i really don't understand what's going on right now. i think we shouldspend some time apart. so if i do wind uphaving a wedding, it's probably bestthat you, uh, not be there. yeah.sounds good to me, pete. if you could have thosebillboards taken down... yeah. it'll take a few days,but i'll get on that. and i'll also make sure you get your money back as soon as possible.
also, i think you havemy season 2 lost dvds. if you... if you haven'twatched them yet, keep... it's fine, pete, they're right here. - thanks. - yep. it's just zooeyhasn't seen them all yet, so she's really curiousas to what was going oninside that hatch. yep. i wish you thebest of luck, peter. you too, sydney.
- bye, anwar. - [barks] [knock on door] hey, denise.sorry to bother you. - it's... i'll go get zooey. - thank you. it's ok. - hey, barry. - poker night. - full table.- oh, that's ok. i'm here totalk to my fiancã©e. nice face.
- thank you. - on the billboards. oh, right. yeah. yeah, my friend sydney, he... yeah, i give a shit. - hey. - hi. - can i talk to you outside? - yeah. - "license to sell." - yeah. that's what sydneyborrowed all that money for. he thought it wouldhelp my career.
well, it gotyour name out there. besides, you look pretty cute with a thick moustache. zooey, i'm so sorrythat i asked you why youthought we should get married. it's just that i've been talkingabout this stuff with sydneyand it made me nervous. peter, i'm nervous too, ok? it's a big deal. i couldn't believe how sure you seemed about the whole thing, which is why i freaked out when you suddenly started questioning it. well, i'm sure about us,for so many reasons. truth is,i've been a girlfriend guy.
out of all those,you're the one thatwanted me to have my own life. you know? you want me to havefriends for me, not you. it's, like,one of the most romanticthings i could ever think of. [belches] what's up? dude, come on. zooey, i love you, and i want to spend the restof my life with you. can we get this engagementback on track? - ok. - please?
yes. yes. whoa. oh, come on, it's poker night. - so? - so take her out for a cup of coffee. no. why don't you take the boys to fucking starbucks and play poker? because it's poker night here. it's always poker night here. that's my best friend.i'm not leaving her.how about that? she can stay here forfive years if she wants to. you're dressing up like a cheerleader tonight for me. fine. get thefuck out of here.
hey, zooey, you canstay here as long as you want.you are always welcome. - thank you.- uh-huh. ok? by the way, peter, there's plenty of roomopen on the poker table. they were lying. they'd love to have you play. - i'm not going to. - ok. oh, my god. barry and denisefight all the time. then they have loud, intense makeup sex. please get me out of here. let's get your stuff.come on. by the way,i ended things with sydney.
peter, really? i hopethat's not because of me. no, no. he can be a great guy. it's just... it wasn't really working out. [♪ ray lamontagne: you are the best thing] then you processyour purchase. oh, that sounds riveting. i just stepped inyour dog's crap, asshole! aren't you going to pick upyour dog's shit, shit giant?! pick up your shitlike a man!
nice scarf, dickwad! ok, what should be our last song? into the mystic. that's perfect.that is perfect. ok, so we have to go through the place cards one more time because i'm a little bit... why don't you just call him? because... ...guys don't do that.
e. ethan. what's up, my man? ebone capone. i'm just hanging out, man. wanted to see if you wanted to come over and watch tv. again you're gonna watch the wonder emporium? dude, what the fuck is there to do at legoland that you take these kidsthere every weekend? i understand that it's not the point of teaching, but just give them all b pluses.
could i come with you? what do you mean, the kids think i'm creepy? - good to see you, peter. - you too, mel. you know, i haven't had a realfriend since my wife passed. i'm really glad you called. hey, do you have any plans on june 30th? i'm 89 years old. what the fuckkind of plans would i have? just needed an adjustment. i hope it'll be better now. [woman] my mother knew roux's return had nothing to do with a silly old door.
so did i. stupid. [roux] my favorite, hot chocolate. [woman] how may i direct your call? - hey, leanne. - peter. where have you been? it's my weddingthis weekend, so i've been helpingmy fiancã©e with all thelast-minute preparations. - they broke the mold when they made you. - yeah. go check your voice mail. you got a million messages.
[man] yeah, is this pistol pete? i have a home in los feliz i've been trying to sell, i saw your billboards. i'm very impressed with your ads. [man 2] "license to sell"? hysterical! it's like james bond. [man 3] i'm interested in the ferrigno estate. [woman] i love the one with youin the bed. my number is 310... - [woman] my husband and i saw... - slow down. [doug] hello, peter. it's doug.
saw the billboards. they are wonderful. wouldn't expect anything less from you. and sorry about calling you a whore. hello to sydney, f you guys are still together. otherwise, you can facebook me. [lou] peter, hi. it's lou ferrigno. wonderful billboards. listen, i'm sorry if i ever doubted you, man. i told thatdouchebag, tevin,
i want you to have theexclusive back on my house. - excuse me, mr. ferrigno? ten-minute warning. - thank you. so just call meor just text me. goodbye, my friend. - there's my dog! - ah! me rikey the billboards. i completely underestimatedyou, my brother. what say we go to houston's,get a burger and a beer and talk about how we cantagteam the ferrigno deal?
ow! why are you slapping me? because i wanted to cause you physical pain. but i have never actually hit anybody in the face, it freaks me out. i didn't know what to do. tevin, stay the fuck away from my listing. - hey, carolyn.- hey, pete. good luck, peter. i'm so excited to see who peter chose for his wedding party. yeah. yeah.
[rock music plays] that has to be the most randomcollection of groomsmenin the history of weddings. i'm great. you know,i just got to... i'll see you at the wedding. i'm gonna get another mimosa. do you wantto finish the one? - [rock music plays] - hello? hey. wow, i didn'texpect to hear from you. oh, no, i wouldn't want to impose.
yeah. maybe if i hurry i can make the end of it. got to go. i got tofind something to wear. [playing classical music] which one of these men has the ring? i actually don'thave a best man. so, uh... robbie. i want you to hold the ring for me. - are you serious? - yeah.
ok. unless you don't want to. i mean... thanks, peter. i want you boys to know, you're both my best friends. and hank mardukas. [peter] hey, hank. - awesome tux.- oh, thanks. it's blue. - yes, it is. - you look amazing. thank you.
good afternoon. we are gathered here today to join peter klaven and zooey rice in matrimony. if anyone can show just cause why they may not marry... - you son of a bitch!- no, no, mr. ferrigno,i don't want to object. i just wanted to make it in timefor the vows. that's all. i'm sorry. sorry. sydney, come up. oh, no, i'm fine back here.
- please, yes.- are you sure? i hope you don't mind. you invited him? i saw you walking on the lawn looking all sad and i realized i couldn't let you get married without your best man. - i love you so much. - i love you, too. zooey, thanksso much for inviting me. of course. you got here really fast. yeah. you know what, i was on the vesp,
so i just did the old weaveroo. dude, you're lying. your voicewent up when you said that. [cracking]his voice got high. look, i was on my way when zooey called. invite or not, i wasn't going to miss your wedding. and i wanted to give you this. - you don't have to do this. - i know you don't believe me, but i'm actually a pretty successful investor. the billboards were my wedding gift to you guys.
- man, they worked. - i figured when i saw the ferrigs - that they must have worked. - lou's the best. i can only imagine. i put him in a sleeper hold. out. i'm really sorry for all the stuff i said. you called me on a lot ofmy issues. i appreciate it. and for the record... ...i saw chocolat.
- just delightful. - it is, right? - i love chocolat. - i love that movie. chocolat? what the fuck is that? i have no idea. it's a beautiful movie. i'm really gladyou're here, sydney. me too. i can't imagine gettingmarried without you. i love you, man.
i love you too, bud. i love you, dude. i love you, bro montana. i love you, holmes. i love you, broseph goebbels. love you, muchacha. i love you, tycho brohe. ok, ok. right. let's continue here. - i so want to marry you. - [laughs] you will.
i'm going to. zooey, repeat after me:i, zooey rice... - i, zooey rice... - ...take you, peter klaven... ...take you, peter klaven... ...to be mylawfully wedded husband. [soft rock plays] ♪ can we share some vindaloo sleeping bags and shampoo ♪ ♪ until all the planets collide ♪ ♪ waterslide ♪
♪ spinning backwards riding down ♪ ♪ slide ♪ [singing in spanish] - [playing limelight] - oh! [cheering] ♪ living on a lighted stage approaches the unreal ♪ i'm really sorryabout that dumb toast i gave. it was out of line.i got nervous to meet you. i don't know what happened.i'm sorry.
sydney, it's fine. thank you, that's very sweet of you. for the record, i like giving blowjobs. that's good to hear. i wasjust looking out for my buddy. - i hear you.- i had to make surehe's getting blowies regularly. - i'm uncomfortablewith this conversation.- honey. - we're friends. - friends do this. no, they don't. ♪ all the world's indeed a stage ♪ [squeaking] ♪ and we are merely players ♪
- you have a nice singing voice. - thanks. - you in a band?- not yet. - hailey. - lonnie. - hi. - hi. whoo!that's awesome! - [screams] - that's awesome! excuse me, peter. get my wife on up here! you've been rushified!
you've never called me an asshole? i've saidyou act like an asshole. - you get away with it... - that's your behavior. i'm not sayingyou're an asshole. - oh, my god. - shit. do i havea fucking sign on me? - no, it's not my fault. - how is it not your fault? because i'm pregnant. i love you so much.i love you so much.
- are you still mad?- try to make it a boy. - [singing indistinctly]- [song ends] - whoo! - [sydney] thank you. - i'd like to make a toast. - no!
