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dumb. uh, report cards didn'tcome today, did they? no. i gotta finda birthday gift for mama. aww. that's so sweet,reba. just think. pretty soon,my brand-new baby daughter will be doingthe same thing for me. (laughs) and hopefullyshe'll understand that diamondsare always appropriate. okay. what did you kidsget for your grandma?
me? mm-hmm. ohh. oh, man. something...(clicks tongue) awesome. when is it again? saturday, cash. uh-huh. i'm just gonna... oh! i knowwhat you should get her. you could get her botox. i know a guy. (laughs)
truth is, i-i knowa lot of guys. i gotta findthe perfect gift for mama. boy, she's been my rockfor me this past year. i didn't thinkshe'd fit in out here, but she's really takena likin' to malibu. and i gotta find that giftthat says just that. why don't you get hera membership at the nudist colony? she already has one.
um, i don't want to brag, but nobody's gonna beatmy gift. you know how she lovesto sit out on the deck and watch the fishing boats? yeah. i mean, i used tolike that, too, till i got mooned by a bunchof drunken norwegians. well, i got hera half-day fishing trip on one of those charters. (cash) oh, that's genius.
oh! hey, how about i, uh,kick in a little dough, and you and igive her that together? and can you lend mea little dough? show some effort, cash. how about i kick ina little dough, and i actually havethe dough. i'm sorry, mom, but this is my giftto her.
okay, fine. i'm just gonna remind youthat i was in labor with you for 19 hours, but, uh, whatever. (reba)♪ walkin' with my head high ♪ ♪ soakin' up the sunshine ♪ ♪ la-la-la-la-la,life is sweet ♪ hey, mama.how was bowling? it was glorious, reba.
the alley catskicked butt yet again, anchored as always bythe unbeatable combination of... (imitates arnold schwarzenegger)arnold... (normal voice)and lillie mae... and a whole lotof beer. (laughs) whoo! mama, you've hadthat ball forever. oh, i have.
yeah. 'bout time fora new one, don't you think? reba, bowling ballsimprove with age. they are the wineof sporting equipment. well... what about a backup? wouldn't it be funto have two balls? okay. i-i've got four jokesin response to that. (sighs) but i'm gonna passdue to your prudish nature.
okay. five. no, now enough about balls. i've got big news. if the alley cats wintomorrow night, that will advance us to the finalsagainst the tornados. oh, my gosh.that's fantastic. it gets better, baby.
one of my teammates--helen--who, frankly, sucks... won't be therebecause she's having a little saline addedto her fake boobs. and this is whereyou come in. shouldn't a doctortake care of that? (chuckles) you're gonna bowlfor helen. uh-huh. i don't thinkthat's a good idea.
well, come on, reba.you're a great bowler. you learned fromthe master--me. i don't know, mama.you're so competitive. and all that trash talking. oh, it's mortifying watching you harass the bowlers and the waitresses and the guythat sprays the shoes. didn't you ask mejust last week what i wantedfor my birthday?
yes. well, what i wantis one night where i get to show offmy bowling protege and get our teamto the championship against the hated tornados. (whiny voice) wouldn't youjust rather have a new bowling ball? (whimpers) well, i don't need two balls.
but it wouldn't hurt youto grow a pair. (lillie mae) hey, guys. i want you to meetmy daughter reba. hey. reba, this handsome young chapis dallas. i'm honoredto meet the acorn that fellfrom this mighty oak. wow. thank you, dallas.nice to meet you, too.
all right,let's rock this 'vent like we're in the pope'sgreenroom, right? hey, okay. yeah. i have no ideawhat that means. i don't either. uh, this is rikki. rikki, this ismy daughter reba. hi, rikki.
reba, you're the singer. can i give you my demo? you know, to giveto your record label. oh, you're a singer, too? mm. i dabble. i mean, i'm a lawyerby trade, but on weeknights i takea screenwriting course, and on weekends i teacha screenwriting course. oh. (chuckles)
here. already got one. oh. (pins clatter) what's that?i'll let him know. hey, hey. the gutter just called, said it cannot waitto meet your ball. mama, knock it off.let the poor guy bowl.
oh, stop.it's all in good fun. hey, you should put that toupeeon that bowling ball. it would looka lot more natural. ooh-hoo. (speaks indistinctly) whoo-hoo! whoo! whoo! whoo! ah! that's it.
oh, come on now.you're up. all you need now is a striketo win this thing and get us into the finalsagainst the tornados. i've been hittingon the weak side. i don't knowwhat i'm doing wrong. i do.this lane is over oiled. that's why your ball isn'thooking like it should. take a half step to the leftand aim for the third mark. but that's notmy normal stance.
oh, damn it.who taught you to bowl? just more to the leftand roll the damn ball. good luck, reba. oh, zip it, baldy. oh! oh! oh! (cheering) oh, lord, if you're thinking of taking meanytime soon, tonight would bejust fine with me.
(rikki) whoo-hoo! (both laugh) (doorbell rings) (whistles) hey, rikki.what are you doing here? hello, reba.i just wanted to drop off a little thank-you giftfor bowling with us last night. aww. come on in. thank you very much.
you didn't have tobuy me flowers. oh, i didn't buy them. they're frommy flower arranging class. well, thank you, but i'm the one who should bebuying you flowers. that's the most fun i've hadsince i moved to malibu. and that includeswatching charlie sheen run naked down the beach. (laughs) ah!classic charlie.
so... maybe you would liketo bowl again with us at the championshipon saturday? how come? helen needsome more saline? no, no, no, no.helen will be there. there's someone elsewe have to replace. oh, and i like dallas. no. lillie mae. we're kicking her offthe team.
(thuds) you want to kick mamaoff the team? but she's your best player. i mean, she livesfor the alley cats. i mean,bowling with you guys is the highlightof her week. well, that and "castle." reba, this is malibu. winning isn't as importantas sportsmanship.
oh, and looking good.(chuckles) mama just likes to givethe opposing team a littlegood-natured razzin'. last week she madea navy seal cry. anyway,we all talked about it, and we want youto replace lillie mae. forget it. i'm not gonna betraymy mama by taking her placeon the team.
that's too bad, because whether or notyou decide to join us, lillie mae is out. oh, boy. if you didn't like her anticson the bowling alley, wait till you seehow she reacts when you tell hershe's off the team. good point.i'll text her. no!
you can't text her. (sighs)i'll tell her. oh, good. i was hopingyou would say that. (exhales) oh, and you know what? when you decideto redo your house, i havemy decorator's license. i like itjust the way it is. you do? (high-pitched voice)okay.
(door closes) oh, hey, charlie sheen--ohh. ew. so... did you figure out what you're gonna get grandmafor her birthday? actually, i did, and it's--it's a home run, a touchdown,and a slam dunk combined. cool. so what is it? i don't knowif i should tell you.
i, uh, don't want youto get jealous. (chuckles) it's not a competition, cash. come on.what'd you get her? okay, all right.check this out. so--so i foundthis great picture online. it's only $11. so i'm gonna get itand i'm gonna frame it. good for you. what's it a picture of?
a fishing boat. cash, you are totallystealing my idea. it's not a competition,june. look, i'm giving her artwork. you're giving herfour hours on a crowded, smelly boatfull of drunk guys. what a load of bull. your gift istangentially related to mine. every time you're losingan argument,
you resort to math. you cannot give herthat picture. i can so give herthat picture. cash, it's my idea! it's not your idea! yes, it is! what are you guysyelling about? cash stole my gift ideafor grandma. i did not.
yeah, you did! no, i didn't! okay, knock it off! a birthday giftis supposed to come from a place of love. we are a family. we do not stab each otherin the back! we are not flower-arrangingalley cats who teach screenwriting!
did you follow that? (exhales) oh, reba. you shoulda seen mepracticing tonight at the bowling alley. i was in the groove, baby. reba, what's wrong? mama, i got some bad news. oh, no.did they cancel "castle"? no. rikki stopped by.
mama, they're kicking youoff the team. what?i don't understand. well, apparently,your trash talking got to 'em too much, and they're kicking youoff the team. i'm sorry. oh-ho! they're kicking meoff the team right beforethe championship?
they wouldn't even get to the championship if it weren't for me. i'd like to see who they getto fill my shoes. well, that's the funny thingabout it. they asked if, uh,i would take your place. oh, well, now that's crazy. yeah, i know. right? they could never winwith you. it's not that crazy.
i mean, i ama pretty good bowler. i remember beating youone time. ha! when you were 15, and i threw that game. i wanted to give yourself-esteem a little boost after craig kennedydumped you. craig kennedydid not dump me. i dumped him. and you did not throwthat game.
you lost it. look, baby,what's important here is not your incorrect memoryof a romantic failure and a fake sports victory. what's important is that you didn't say yesto the alley cats. so you won't embarrass yourselfon saturday night. well,maybe i should say yes. then your birthday presentwill be a piece of humble pie.
why don't you go for it? i'll even let you use arnold. you're gonna need all the helpyou can get. okay, arnold.it's a date. you and i are gon'get us a trophy. oh, think about it. it's gonna besuch a new experience for him. he's never seenthe gutter before. hasta la vista, baby.
cash, i've been thinking aboutour gifts for grandma, and you're right. it's not a competition. you should definitely give herthat picture of a boat. (clicks tongue) yeah. here's the problemwith that. turns out it wasn'ta picture of a boat. it was an actual boat. and it wasn't $11.
it was $11,000. (laughs) what? cash, didn't you readthe ad? i think it's fairly obvious the answer to that questionis no. ugh. what am i gonna do? we're supposed to give herthe gifts later tonight, and i got nothin'. don't worry.you'll come up with something.
you're very creative. ready foryour big night, mom? i am so ready. and so am i. mama, are you wearin'a bowling shirt? oh, no. not justany bowling shirt. whoa, whoa, whoa.what's goin' on here? when the tornados heardabout me gettin' stabbed in the backby my team,
they dumped one of their guysand they drafted me. now give me back my man. wait. does that meanthat we're gonna be playing against each other? you're a tornado? yes, i am. welcome to oz... (imitates wicked witchof the west) my little pretty.
(cackles) so you've met helen and her re-inflated tires. yes, i've met helen. okay, listen,don't let her bother you. she's just a little miffedabout what happened, okay? lillie mae, i swear, i had nothing to do withyou getting kicked off the team. i wasn't even consulted.
oh, i'm over it, helen. oh, good. oh, my goodness. h-honey, is it just me, or is one of those puppies a little biggerthan the other? what? you know,i hope that imbalance doesn't affect your game.
i'm gettin'in your teammate's head through her boobs. mama, i'm warning you. don't startyour trash talking tonight. and what if i do? well, i may just have togive you a little tasteof your own medicine. oh, you? you couldn't talk trashwith a garbage man.
so any new gift ideasfor grandma? not yet, but i beenhitting the soda hard, and that's usually whenmy best ideas come. well, there'sa bowling shop here. maybe you couldlook around in there? i did,and i casually asked grandma if she neededany ball polish. but she just cracked upand walked away. how's the match going?
well, grandma's teamwon the first game. and mom's won the second. whoever wins this onewins the match. either way, it's gonna bea fun car ride home. hang on, mama. i'll get 'em to bring upthe kiddy bumpers for you. reba, will you stopwith the trash talking? you're as badas your mother. i'm not as bad. i'm better.
ain't gonna happen,granny. ha ha ha! whoo! whoo, whoo, whoo,whoo, whoo! oh, hey, were yousaying something, sweetheart? i could not hear a word overthe sound of crashing pins. sit down, crazy lady. listen, it all boils downto you. we need eight pins to tieand nine pins to win. so come on. focus.
i'm fine. no, you're rattled. she's got you trash-talkinglike her. this is what lillie mae does. (clenched teeth) she getsin people's heads. okay, you're right. she was in my head.now she's out of my head. i'm focused. okay?
(exhales) (whispers) watch this. whoa.is that craig kennedy? (crowd groans) (man) yes! yes! yes! (rikki) you have another roll.you have another roll. don't worry about it. i've just abouthad enough of you.
oh, and by the way,the owner called. he appreciates you going easy on the pins. would you stop it? is winningreally that important to you? why? you wouldn't understand. mama, what is it? bowling ispart of who i am.
life is differentfor you. you have an identity. you can singlike nobody's business. well, thank you very much,but you have an identity, too. no, not really. my whole life,i've always been somebody's daughter,somebody's mother. but hereat the bowling alley, people look at me,they say,
"there goeslillie mae mackenzie. ooh, she kicks ass." do you want meto tell you what i thinkyour identity is? you're a fearless woman. mama, i was scared to death when we made the moveout here. but with you by my side,i knew i could do it. you're not scaredof anything.
well, except parrots. well, except parrots.yeah. (speaks indistinctly) i mean, they should notbe able to talk, reba. they are an abomination. mama, you said thati didn't understand. well, i do. for years i felt like i was nothin' morethan bobby gallagher's wife. and then we split up,and i had a new identity.
i was bobby gallagher's ex. and who do you thinkfinally convinced me that i was more than that? you did. i had to do something. you were moping around like you were a dogwho'd lost her chew toy. mama, the point is, you're my rock.
i count on you more thananybody else in this world. and you don't have to winat bowling to have an identity. thank you, baby. i should never havecompeted with you, because you are the only trophyi need in my life. mama. reba, come on.
i'm sorry.i'm gonna have to pass. if you don't bowl,we forfeit. no, no. you listen to me,reba mackenzie. you are not gonna quiton your team. you go back overand finish that game or this rock is gonnacome down on your head. i just don't have ittonight. take a half a stepto the right. they did not oil the lanesbefore the match.
go back toyour original approach, and your ball is gonnahook in there like gangbusters. oh! whoo! we win! we win! we win! we win! we win!whoa! whoa! whoa! whoa! (laughs) what just happened? i don't know, baby. you justmight suck at bowling. (laughs) whoo! whoo!whoo! whoo!
(laughs) whoo. parrots. (screaming) oh, june. i love it. you've been watching me watchthose fishing boats, haven't you? yep. and now you can fish. well, i can't wait to catcha big ol' tuna
and then moon kim. (june and reba laugh) thank you, sweetheart.mwah. cash, you ready to givegrandma your gift? limes. well, somebody grabthe tequila and salt. no, i-it's not limes,grandma. it's--it's a juggling kit.i'm-a teach you to juggle. oh, cash. do that again.i love that.
i've always wanted to juggle. oh. you havethe most imaginative gifts. ohh. thank you. to be honest,it was june's suggestion. aww. to have me go inon the fishing boat thing. but i like to come upwith ideas myself. well, i think these are
the best birthday giftsi have ever gotten. and i just love youso much, and i cannot be happierthan being right here. well, i'm gladyou're happy, mama, but if you think about it, i didn't give you anything. what are you talking about? baby, you got me this.
