watch now! detail...
narrator:from the director of all those russell crowe movies you never saw. and the writer of lost’sunsatisfying final episode. comes a sort-of prequel that doesn’t use the best partsof the alien franchise. prometheus. a film whose first 30 minutes are mostly landscapeshots. where two scientists are on a quest to find extraterrestrial life based on reallyflimsy evidence. a trillion-dollar mission manned by the worst crew in space. a lazycaptain, who leaves his crew to die. a stoner geologist with state of the art computer maps,radio communication, mapping balls, and gps. millburn:we are at 7401477, why? narrator:who still gets lost. an inconsistent biologist
who is scared of a 2000 year old dead body, millburn:no, ship’s good. narrator:but falls in love with clearly dangerous alien snake. millburn:hey, baby. narrator:and an idiot woman who can only run in straight lines. a film with so much cgi, the visualeffects department forgot to change anyone’s heart rate. one man will achieve his lifelongdream of finding aliens but somehow feels like a failure after only investigating for6 hours. and one woman will give forced exposition.
shaw:i can’t create life. narrator:and will create life david:you’re pregnant. narratorand get her uterus cut open which will hurt a lot during standing, but not jumping, fallingor repelling. a film so forced, it attempts to connect to the alien franchise by havingsomeone drink a drop of black goo then impregnate our main character with an squid baby whichimpregnates an engineer which creates an alien that only kinda looks like the aliens in thereal movies even though they already showed a picture of that queen alien on a wall. anepic quest that has no answers or payoff to
anything, like: the green goo. the giant headstatue. the disregard of evolution. this green crystal. the engineers’ hatred of humans.the black goo. the black goo creating an eye worm. the black goo creating a zombie. theblack goo dissolving an engineer. the reason why people in the holograms are running intoa room full of black goo. david murdering someone for no reason. the engineers leavingancient humans maps to their weapons facilities. and why it matters he was vicker’s dad.starring: noomi rapeface, data, dr. manhattan, black oil from the x-files, charlie the ron,benjamin button and super vagina. prometheus. god, please just stay away from blade runner.check out our new screenjunkies episode on how not to get taken, or else i’ll takeyou. i have a very particular set of skills.
as always, leave a comment with the movieyou’d like to see next time, or a word you’d like to hear me say in my sweet voice. hellojovem nerd. what what in the butt. the dude abides. fuzzy wuzzy was a bear. fuzzy wuzzyhad no hair. fuzzy wuzzy wasn’t very fuzzy, was he?
