watch now! detail...
narrator: so, you're finally settling down. you've saved up a little nest egg and are ready to dive into the real estate market. let's do a little shopping around. the american dream home -- two bedrooms, two bathrooms, one doghouse, one garage, two garbage cans. it's cozy, safe, and just barely within your overstretched budget. not for you?
for the same price, you can buy 200,000 acres of prime sahara wasteland. put up a cottage, [ squawks ] nothing but you and the sky. it's like a beach without the ocean, and talk about quiet neighbors. aah! too remote? oh, i understand.
you need the thrilland excitement of the big city. with that same nest egg, you can get a slice of prime real estate. [ whistle blows ] not this real estate. [ glass shatters ] cozy and affordable, [ siren wails ] this lovely fixer-upper is the perfect place
[ gunshot ] for a dynamic couple like you. no need to putter around the house. it's all right there where you stand. [ toilet flushes ] what's the matter? feeling a little cramped? well, just a stone's throw away, just one bridge or a tunnel ride, just outside the big, bustling city,
there is a place with wide-open spaces, friendly natives, and spacious dwellings, and it's all within your price range. [ cash register chimes ] it's almost... too good to be true. [ birds chirping ] kenneth: when i told you i had a particular building in mind for you, this is the one i was talking about.
it's a historical home on one of the best blocks in all of brooklyn. remember whatwe talked about. i know.poker face. built-ins, built-ins. oh, the kitchen'sa little small. oh, well, rip out this awfulroom divider, and you've gotan eat-in kitchen. and over here you have your library.
wow. for your books. oh, you like books? i have a little collectionof first-edition novels. alex is a writer. the parlor. oh, my god. so, this staircase,this leads to where? i thought you realized. this is a duplex.
as in two floors for the price of one? i believe it's right therein the listing sheet. so, why was itsealed off? were there, like, a slewof murders up thereor something? no, actually. there's justa sweet, little old ladythat lives upstairs. a tenant? mm-hmm. so, rent control meanswe can't kick her out, right? alex!
that's a legitimate question. no, you cannot evict her. she has to decide to leave or, god forbid -- poor thing hasn't beenfeeling well lately. she's gotta be close to100 years old. mrs. connelly? it may take her a little while.she's hard of hearing. [ footsteps ] [ door unlocks ]
[ latch squeaks,slides ] kenneth. [ coughs ] kenneth: there's my favorite girl. how you feeling today,mrs. connelly? i don't feel too good,kenneth. oh, i'm sorry to hear that,mrs. connelly. [ coughs ] i brought bya young couple
that may want to buy the apartment. hi. hi, mrs. connelly. i'm nancy kendricks. this is my husband, alex rose. hello. we were wondering if we could come inand look around. [ coughs ] i don't feel up to it.
i'm sorry, dear.[ coughs ] nice seeing you again,kenneth. [ coughingand hacking ] [ hacks and coughs ] you have a mommy-and-mepark over here. you got shopping a blockand a half that way. no traffic. it is ideal. here's my cardif you want to make an offer. now, there's a lot of heaton this place.
i'd say it'll beoff the market by monday. adios. three fireplaces? guys, the place soundsincredible. and surprisinglyaffordable. it's kind of affordable.i mean, it's reallyat the high end... of our price range. but when you factor in that it's a duplex... it's a duplex?
yes. oh... you know, it's brooklyn,first of all. we weren't even thinkingabout brooklyn, so... oh, actually, which reminds me -- did you...did you bring it? oh, yeah. is this the latest inthe don piper mystery series? fresh off the presses.
i inscribed this copyto you guys. oh! nancy: coop, thank you. i am sure it's not gonna be nearly as brilliant as your new book,but, uh... a couple decent metaphorsin there, turn of phrase. we forgot to tell themthe big news. oh, god.yes. what is it?
go ahead. we're pregnant. wow! congratulations. congratulations,man. thanks. i'm so happy for you! you guys must havejust found out. no. unh-unh.i'm four months along.
yeah. four months? oop![ laughs ] oh, honey. [ laughs ]stop. hello! [ jackhammer pounding ] i mean, we're notgonna want to live here once we start havingbabies.
and that upstairs would makethe cutest playroom. yeah, well, i don't knowif i want mrs. connellycoughing on my baby. you know whati mean. besides, do you realizehow much the duplexis gonna be worth once we get bothfloors? i know how muchit costs. well, it's gonna be worth,like, a bazillion times that. really? a bazillion?
that'san incredible return. come on, alex,what better wayto finish your novel than in your own 19th-centuryoak writer's nook? well, it would be nicenot to have to writeat starbucks with the othernovelists. because you deserveyour own nook. [ train brakes squeal ] that's my train. all right.let's do it.
aaaahh! [ laughs ]oh, my god! this is so wonderful.we're gonna have a home. yeah. all right.i love you. ahh!i love you! i could have swornwe had more stuff. it's gonna lookgreat. mrs. connelly, it's nancy kendricksand alex rose,
from downstairs. let me look at you. hi. we just, uh, we justwanted to come up and say hi. oh, what a nicesurprise. come in. come in. thank you. wow... what an amazingapartment!
oh, thank you, dear.sit down. we brought you this littlehousewarming gift. oh, that's very kindof you. thank you. i'll open it for you.i don't drink, myself. it's a sin. irish catholicsdon't drink? [ laughs ] [ traditionalirish music plays ] [ glasses clank ]
[ camera shutter clicks ] what are you doing? oh, i'm just takinga few little pictures for research. connelly: if i knew you were coming, i'd have tidied up. hey, nancy. yeah? blow me down!
what did you say? are you all right? yeah. oh, god! i'm coming, slowly but surely. i'll just turn off this music. alex! alex! [ music stops ] sit down, dears, sit down. i've brought you a littlesomething to nibble on as well.
oh, bugles.wow. i didn't realizethey even still made bugles. [ chuckles ] here you go. that's a magnificentparrot. it's not a parrot, dear.he's a macaw. [ pops ] he's named aftermy late husband, richard. i've had little dickfor 40 years.
come along, dear.don't be shy. it's french onion. oh... mrs. connelly,how are you feeling? connelly: why do you ask, dear? well, because the last time we saw you, you were quite ill. oh, i had a bit of a cold, but i'm in fine fettle now. tell me aboutyourselves.
what do you do,alan? uh, alex. [ clears throat ] oh, a writer.hmm. i always thought of thatas more of a hobby than a real job. i suppose i'm forgettingabout joyce. joyce, james joyce.of course. wonderful writer.
he died drunkand penniless. well, alex's first novelwas published in hardback, and he's just aboutto finish his second one. oh, what's it about? um, well... i like to call itan urban epic. it's about three generationsof this family in new york that own a printing press,and, uh, i tell a story -- that's nice. let me give you a refill.
big dickhad the taste, too. he was a seaman. the drink took him from me in 1963. we'd been married for 58 years. '63... so, when are you two planning on having children? soon. yeah, not fora couple of years. you sound just likemr. connelly.
we never had anychildren. it's too latefor me now. [ clock chimes ] oh, look atthe time. i had no ideait was so late. oh. [ laughs ] the time's rolled on. we haven't had a chance to see the apartment.
oh, dear, i'm afraid there's no time now. we must say good night. oh, okay. [ farting sound ] uh-oh. oh, no. that was your --i think it's your couch. i think the chair... alex. that wasa little...
come along, dears.come along. how could you? "a macaw -- any long-tailed,brightly colored parrot." a macaw is a parrot.i knew it. don't you think thatas landlords, we have some legal rightto see the back of her apartment if we want to? i mean, i'll look it upon the internet. that's what i'll do.
i wonder how old she is. oh, my guess... is that she's somewherebetween 95 and 105. hmm. she looked pretty goodtonight. yeah, she did. she looked kindof healthy. mm. that's nice.
mmm, hello,mr. peabody. [ television blaring ] woman on television: i saw myself in the mirror, and i thought it was my mother's tush. [ "hawaii five-o" theme plays ] mrs. connelly?! connelly: oh, uh, yes? who is it? hi, it's alex.
i just was wondering ifyou could maybe turn downyour tv a little bit, 'cause we can hear it. oh, i-i fell asleep. i'm sorry. that's okay. i'll do that. okay.thank you. [ on television ]cartman: no, starvin' marvin,that's my potpie. stan: cartman, you butt-pipe. this is the time of year you're supposed to share.
oh, yeah, you're right. are you going to eat all of your peach cobbler? no, you don't want all that. why don't you share itwith me? [ mumbling ] man: everybody'sasking me about fiber... man: in the next few minutes, you're going to learn about an amazing... [ woody woodpecker laughing ] woman: if i want a slimmer waist...
man: use it on carpets. oxiclean seeks out organic stains. man: there's no more bald jokes... [ clock ticking ] [ ringing ] i gotta go.have a good day. all right. see you later.and finish that chapter! i will.
[ sighs ] [ computer powers on ] [ buzzer sounds repeatedly ] good morning, alex. good morning,mrs. connelly. i wanted togive you this back. i won't drink it,and i thought you might want it. oh, thank you.that's nice of you. all right, well,if there's anything else
i can do for you,let me know, okay? [ buzzer sounds ] there is one thing. yeah, i'm sorry,i don't hear anything. it was verydistinctive. the pipes wentbang-bang-bangity-bang-bang. bang! bang! well, they're notdoing that anymore, or it stopped, so, um,i'll tell you what, though.
if you hear it again,just come down and get me, and i'll run upand take a listen. oh, all right then.it's a deal. ooh, alan, dear boy,i wonder -- pardon? alex.my name's alex. i know. no, i think --i think you said "alan." oh, no,i don't think so.
i don't forget names. could you give me a hand with the garbage? we don't want to befeeding the mice. what in heaven's nameare you doing with me drawers? now, i would movethe pull quote just a teeny bit so that you'll have roomto squeeze in the text. god, you're sucha good squeezer, nancy. well, that's because,until yesterday, i lived in an apartmentthe size of a small child.
but look atthe new place. oh, my god! isn't it gorgeous? there's, like,this living room/parlor area. nancy, did you finish the "celebrity scene" page? oh, tickety-boo. i don't knowwhat that means. it meansyou'll have it soon. well, if you meani'll have it soon,
then why don't you sayi'll have it soon? i mean, "tickety-boo"is just confusing for everybody. oh, mr. peabody.how did that get in there? ohh... alex? [ door closes ] alex? alex: hey. hi!
how was work? oh, herman's freaking out,as usual. were you napping? no, i was --i was, um, i was just rearrangingmy book collection. in the dark? and then i closed my eyesfor a second. just for -- just to think,and, you know... [ sniffs ]is this dinner?
so, how was your nook? did you get, like, fiveor six million pages written? more like five or six words. what happened? our upstairs neighborhad me running around doing choresfor her all day. well, you just gotta setsome boundaries. just tell herthat you're working. she'll understand.
what is that? oh, i picked up a few thingson the way home. it's an area rug. do you love it? yes.how much was it? it doesn't really seemto cover too much of an area. it was $200or something like that. i don't really remember. that was 200 bucks?
yeah, but, you know, it's a runner, 'cause it goes in between the two rooms and then ties themtogether. ooh, and look!look, look, look, look, look! it's an originalpablo flinch. really? cool. is it, like, some -- it's, like, a mayanguacamole bowl or something? it's a stool.
here. try it. what are we,hobbits? [ metal clanking ] it's a water stain! i told mr. rose the problemwith the pipes this morning. they were going bang-bang-bangity-bang-bang. bang. bang. [ foreign accent ]yeah, the whole bathroom could have explode.[ sighs ]
471 bucks. what time... you were herethree hours? sweetie, these wereoriginal tiles. how could you nothave heard the banging? sweetie,i was asleep! napping, and in the middleof the afternoon. shameful. okay. i'm not gonna payfor unauthorized repairs.
i did the work,my friend. i can rip the pipes out of the wall. [ speaking foreignlanguage ] what? i don't know -- i don't knowwhat you're saying. do it! do it! you do it.you do it. you want torip them out -- nancy: alex!
what? okay, forget it.plug it up. plug it up. i begged mr. rose to do something. i was terrified,nancy. okay, well, the nexttime that that happens, mrs. connelly,just call me, okay? i gave youmy business card. oh, alan,before i forget... it's the firstof the month.
right. $88. do youwant to count it? remember, if she bothers you,just lay down the law. be firm, but nice.two positives, then a negative. psychology. listen, don't wait up for me,'cause i got to work late. okay. i love you.
i wondered if i could ask youa quick question. [ sighs ] right. um, you know what?can i just... say this to you? you know i'm workingon a book, right? and this book is duein about three weeks. and my editor is expecting iton her desk at that time, okay? it's a contractual deadline. i see.
right. so i have to be workingon that book all the time here in my apartment,which is also my office. it's just like my office. if i was a lawyer,and i went off toan office every day, you couldn't come and knockon my door, could you? 'cause youwouldn't be there, right? so let's just pretendthat i'm a lawyer, okay? this is my office, and unless it's a really,really super-importantemergency, okay,
between the hoursof 9:00 and 6:00, i'm not here. i'm -- i'm off,away in my office, okay? and then after 6:00,i'm here, okay? [ chuckles ]i completely understand. and i apologizefor bothering you. you -- not at all. okay, havea good day, all right? it's just... what? hmm? what is it just?what is it? i bought a copyof your book yesterday,
and i wondered if you'd sign it. of course,if you're too busy, i can come backout of business hours. oh. no.that -- no. oh, that's so nice.you didn't have to buy a copy. i havea million copies. it's money well spent. just write something that i cantreasure for years to come. how about, uh...
"to my favorite... upstairs neighbor"? signed "alex rose." here you go. and, uh, i hope you like it. oh, i know i will. okay. all right.good day. i know we've just had this discussion, but i was wonderingif the firm of rose & rose could accompany an old ladyto the pharmacy.
it's pissing downout there. and i need to renew my monthlies. it won't take any time at all. 30...31...32... 33...34...35... 36... how muchis the nicorette? $43.97. i lost me place.
one... two...three... eight...nine... ten... one...two... three... 22... 23... 24...
25, 26, 27, 28,29, and 30. okay, good? blueberries. one...two... three... i thought youwere gonna talk to her. i did, honey.i did. i was very clear with her.she's just... she manipulated mesomehow. she manipulated you?
she's very crafty. she's a crafty old... lady. well,i'll tell you what -- tomorrow's gonna be better,because you know why? it's gonna be saturday,and that's our day off, and we're gonna getto sleep in. okay? i promise everythingwill be better tomorrow, okay?
[ footsteps,television clicks on ] ♪ the love boat ♪ ♪ soon we'll be making another run ♪ [ indistinct shouting ] [ loud laughter, chattering ] connelly: good morning. good morning, nancy. [ chuckles ] this isnancy kendricks. hello, dear.
are thosemusical instruments? yes! we area brass ensemble. we've got a concert at st. augustus on friday. [ brass instruments playing ] let's go out shopping. [ indistinct conversations ] man: so i'll deliver it this afternoon? yes, that's great.
hey, honey, look. oh!oh, what'd you get? remington royal --50 bucks. how much werethey asking for it? 50 bucks. look,i got a peacock. isn't it great? cool. what does it do?
it's there to be decorativeand look pretty and aestheticallypleasing. so what do we needa daybed for? oh, for allyour napping. honey, i took one napfor two minutes. i didn't even shutmy eyes. hey,what's in the bag? answer to our prayers. try it next to that one,'cause then the couch will go --
whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. you know what i just realized that we forgot to do? we forgot to christenthe apartment. that's whati was thinking. [ astrud gilbert's"agua de beber" plays ] ♪ agua de beber ♪ ♪ agua de beber camar ♪ [ breathing heavily ] i love our home.
[ gasps ] wh--what was she doing? i don't know. you thinkshe saw the whole thing? ew! hey, where are you going? oh, now's my chance.i got to get up there. wait. what are you gonna do? the answerto our problems. clap mate.
when she falls asleep,we can control her tvfrom our bedroom. you be the lookout, okay? if you hear her coming, just goknock on the pipe, okay? let --like, make a noise. okay. okay. okay. shut up. shut up. [ wild screaming ] [ door opens ]
hello. well, hello, little dickey.i'm back again, aren't i? [ squawks ] guess what i've gotin the bag, hmm? i got hot dogs, hot dogs for dickey boy. and i'll tell youwhat i'm going to do. i'm going to give ita wee chew meself first. mm. mm-hmm. mm-hmm.
[ squawking ] mm. it's so nice, dickey.it is. it's so good. i tell you what -- shall we havea bit of music? a bit of music and a bit of a dance. i'll put on your favorite, the tune you like the most. the one that wasbig dick's favorite, too. [ the dubliners'"pub with no beer" plays ]
[ chuckling ] there's a-boy. ♪ it's a-lonesome away ♪ ♪ from your kindred and all ♪ ♪ by the campfire at night ♪ ♪ while the wild dingoes call ♪ ♪ but there's nothing so lonesome ♪ ♪ so dull, or so drear ♪ ♪ than to stand in the bar of a pub with no beer ♪
♪ now the publican's anxious... ♪ [ creaking loudly ] [ creaking continues ] holy crap! [ spandau ballet's "true"plays ] ♪ ah, ha, ha, h-a-a-a, ha ♪ [ knock on door ] nancy: mrs. connelly? ♪ with a thrill in my hand and a pill on my tongue ♪
♪ dissolve the nerves that have just begun ♪ ♪ listening to marvin ♪ ♪ all night long ♪ [ mrs. connelly moans ] ♪ this is the sound... ♪ mrs. connelly? nancy? is that you? hold on a sec.
oh, nancy. what a nice surprise.i'll make you some tea. it's niceto see you here. we'll have some tea. and biscuits. ow! ooh![ grunts ] honey? ohhhh! oh, i'm so sorry.are you okay?
what happened to you?you were supposedto be the lookout. i know. i know. [ inhales sharply ] [ music playing on television ] all right,here we go. ready? [ music continues ] you're a genius![ giggles ] [ both moaning softly ]
[ hands clap, music resumes ] [ hands clap, music stops ] that is so weird. how would she know that? howwould she know how to use it? you didn't leavethe box up there or anything, did you? [ music stops, resumes,stops, resumes ] [ telephone rings ] nancy kendricks.
nancy, mrs. connelly. i have a favor to ask. ladies, emergency! emergency! hurry! run! uh, mrs. connelly,you know, honestly, we're going to print today, and everything'sjust crazy around here. can't you ask alex?
oh, i knocked and knocked. he must be in a deep, deep sleep today. we didn't get ituntil this morning. nancy! nancy! we have 27 minutesto get this thing to press. now, would you get off the phone?! okay, thank you,mrs. connelly. where is my new hot list, girls?where is it? i'm almost done.
5 seconds! okay. okay. hurry! whew. this is it? did you check it? i don't want it tickety-boo.i want it tickety-now! [ jazz music plays ] it's good. it's cute.i like it.
is it, like,800, 900 square feet? no, it's, like, 1,800. 1,800. yeah. but it might seema little cozy 'cause of the fireplaces.we -- there are 3 fireplaces. so, here it is --the third fireplace. wow. this apartmentis amazing. i'm so glad that you like it.whew. relief. wonderful collection.
mmm, thank you. just make sureyou save some space for the alex rosefirst editions. ah, yes. so... so, yeah. how's the endingturning out, hmm? the endingis gonna be great. i'm kind of circling it'cause i don't want to...
force it. just...make sure youturn it in by wednesday. management'sbeing very strict with all ofour mid-level authors. i'm only mid-level? right now. of course, you won't be afteryou hand in your masterpiece. we're replacing most ofthe furniture we already have, but we're goingfor a miller/eames look.
you love eames,terrence. nancy, i just gota new piece. [ laughter ] did you bringthat guy with the girlin the leopard thing? oh, that's chick. that's, uh, the guywho's advising me on the don piper mysteries. what, is he, like,a detective or something? no.
he's a hired gun. he kills peoplefor a living. you brought a hit maninto the party? relax.he's very discreet. he's got a perfectly legitimateday job as a cover. and whatdo you do, chick? i'm a pornographer. here, let me give you a card,you know, just in case. she's this funny old irish ladynamed mrs. connelly,
and she's actually in a brassensemble at the church tonight. there's all just sortsof incredible details. i mean, i can't waitfor you guys to see it. it's beautiful.ooh, herman, get in here. aaah! huh? [ herman groaning ] herman? [ siren wailing ]
being a landlorddoesn't give you the right to enter your tenant's premisesanytime you feel like it. i just wanted my friendsto have a look-see. i -- you were supposed to beat the church performing. heavens, no.it's next friday. we've got a big weekof practice ahead of us. oh. you terrified the poor woman.mrs. connelly, you knowyou can press charges if you want to.
oh, no, i don't wantto do that. they're sucha nice couple. good night, now. uh, good night,mrs. connelly. i'm gonna be watching the two of you... very closely. hey, uh, alex, right? hey, chick. how you doing?
brought you a littlehousewarming gift. oh, that's so sweet. well, look... this is very tasteful stuff,you know, for couples. [ chuckles ] that is so thoughtful. thank you. my card's inside "ass patrol,"in case you need some more. all right.take it easy. thanks for the party.
i got an awardfor this one. she was supposed to beat church. you can't fire mebecause you got maced. believe me -- i wish that's whyi was firing you. did you happen to see the, uh, restauranthot list? so, uh... how'smr. peabody doing? oh.oh, no, no, no.
there's no nappingright now. you have got to finishyour book 'cause we need money. i got fired. yeah, i know.i saw it. you saw it. yeah. it's horrible.my parents read this magazine. now they know my penisis called mr. peabody. it wasn't my fault. she was calling me when you were napping.
i wasn't napping,for the 1,000th time! okay, i -- maybe i took a napat one point. when did nappingbecome against the law? honey,i-i-i can't work here. it's impossible.i've been trying. i-i've written three pagesin the last six weeks. three pages.the book is due on wednesday. i mean, if we don't handin the book... i don't knowwhat we're gonna do.
we can't pay for anything.we can't pay for the --for the runners, for the stools.we can't pay for thetangelo bowl that you like. we can't pay for your little happy mug-vase thing. well, what if you got outof the house for a little while and went to write at, like,a-a starbucks or something? and -- and what? what?you're gonna stay hereand try to find work while she has you running arounddoing things for her, i mean, doing all the littleerrands, all the little chores that she asks you to do? i don't thinkyou could take it.
i mean, i love you,but, honestly, i've been there, and i don'tthink you could take it. i can take it.i'll be fine. nancy?! hello, mrs. connelly. nancy, dear... i couldn't help noticing thatalex left the house this morning while you stayed home. i was downsizedfrom my job.
aw, i'm sorry. but i'm sureit's for the best. let mr. rose get out thereand bring home the bacon. i always thoughtit was strange -- your husband staying home while you were out thereproviding. well,he's a writer. [ chuckling ]writer. the man napsmore than a newborn pup.
what's he writingabout -- sheep? is there something,mrs. connelly? oh, oh, i guess you could saythere was something. i've got something on displayin me kitchen. that is not a mouse dropping. it's a raisin. that is the leavingsof a mouse. i sprayed it with lysol. [ gagging, coughing ]
ohhh. [ keyboard clacking ] and she puts on this sweet face, and she acts all innocent. [ imitating connelly ]nancy, could you help me? [ whining ] i think i foundthe leavings of a mouse. [ crying ] [ normal voice ]as if she didn't knowit was a raisin.
i've never designed religious leaflets, per se. 1:00. great, rabbi.thank you so much. connelly: nancy?! nancy?! nancy?!are you down there? [ sighs ] what is it,mrs. connelly? little dickey's caughtin the dumbwaiter shaft. well,how did he get there? [ screeching ]
aaah! oh, don't hurt him. [ breathing rapidly ]oh! oh! oh! [ screeches ] oh, ooh, dickey boy. oh, uh, careful. aaaah! shame on you. scaring a helpless,little macaw like that.
ugh! thisis not going well. i told you she's a mean,crafty old lady. at this rate, i'm never gonnafinish the book in time. damn rent control. i wish we could justkick her out. what if we tried beingnice to her? maybe we could get hera gift. a gift?
and ask her ifshe wouldn't mind leaving. we ask her?just ask her? okay, well, maybe it'll takea little begging, but nicely. well, she might gofor begging. [ squishing ] there's a chart that showswhat's inside of each chocolate. [ chuckles ]that's all right, dear. let me come right to the point. alex and i are tryingto have a baby.
i saw...in the living room. the thing is, is that when we do have our baby, we're gonna needthe upstairs. i don't understand,dear. we're willingto pay you... something. you want me to leave? well, don't you thinkyou'd be more comfortable with peoplewho are more...
in your... demographic? in sunny miami beach. [ chuckles ] i'm irish.i'd sizzle up like a sausage. besides... this is my home. home. [ irish accent ]the emerald isle, hmm? back to the old sod. well, now,there's a thought.
i haven't been back home for 50 years. ooh. a caramel. mm. [ slurping ] so, about ireland. and you moving there. most likely...they have television now? of course they do.
yeah, color. [ chewing loudly ] i've made up me mind. i'll do -- [ straining ] [ choking ] mrs. connelly! she's choking!she's choking! oh, god!
mrs. connelly. do something! oh, god!ooh, alex! alex! come on! come on!come on! come on! yeah, good. come on! [ grunts ]
whew! oh, my god! nancy: [ gasps ] oh! clear! alex,what are you doing?! cpr! wait! stop it!stop it! [ panting ]
oh, god.one, two, three... four, five. okay, give hermouth-to-mouth. oh...oh, no.really? yes. yes, do it! no, you got to blowin her mouth. come on. one breath, come on. one, two, three... four, five.okay, again.
okay, one breath. that's it. one, two, three, four... five. again! what are you doing? [ chuckles ] you were chokingon a chocolate. you chokedon a chocolate. ohhh. go on, mrs. connelly. the last thing i remember,i ate one of their chocolates.
and when i woke up...he was having his way. and she washolding me down. no, no, no, i was tryingto save her life. he stoleme drawers once... for sniffing. n-no, that's ridiculous.i mean, she was choking on thechocolate, so i did the heim-- shut up! we keep a list of people likeyou down here at the station -- the sexual predator list.
[ muffled ]sexual predator? and to thinkthey want to have children. [ sighs ] we should'vejust let her choke. oh, i know. what can i get you? listen, i got 12 hoursto finish this book. i was wondering if i could justsit here and write all day. be my guest. connelly: nancy...
i was going to ring you. i-i'm afraid there's a bit of a problem up here. [ sighs ] well, i have to goon a job interview, so i'll take careof it later. oh, that's okay.i'll ring the rug man. [ groans ] good. k-knock it in. knock it in good. i don't want to slipand break me neck.
no, we wouldn'twant that. this isthe problem area here. it's looseas a dublin whore. oh, go on,knock it in. now, just knock it in. go on, knock. [ grunting ] come on, usesome elbow grease. aah! okay, i will.
you threw herdown the stairs? but i imagined it. and i liked it. [ sighs ] i'm evil. [ crying ] i'm a horrible,horrible person. come on, she's practicallyruined our lives. it's perfectly naturalto have thoughts like that. yeah. i mean,i've even had a...
couple. [ water splashing ] nancy: like what? just, you know,snapping her neck or electrocuting her. you know,just beating her to death... decapitating her... drowning her, just,you know, bludgeoning her... in a humane way, but...
dicing her upinto little, little pieces... but asphyxiating her firstso she didn't feel anything. i'm glad you clarified that. well... you're evil, too. [ chuckles ]i'm finished. [ computer rattling ] that's what i am. and i'm telling you --it was incredible.
it was like the last 60 pagesjust poured out of me. well, let's openthat really great bottleof champagne and celebrate. connelly: alex?! alex?! nancy?! ooh! c-come quick. a huge rat just ranunder me cupboard. oh, come.come on, quick. quick, alex! i'll pop the cork.
okay, i'll beright back. are you sure it was a rat,mrs. connelly? i saw its face. you saw its face? all right,well, let's see if we can't, uh,find this big, bad rat. you sure it might not have beena dust bunny or something? 'cause sometimes they looka little rodent-like. aah! the rat!
where? there! oh. oh, t-that --that's not a rat. that's like a little field mouse. alan! your pursefell into the fire. oh, no. alan! oh! oh, don't! oh, don't! my book!
ow! oh, alan! oh! oh! you'll burn yourself! door! nancy, door! get the door! nancy, door! is that your book? okay. oh! door!
okay! oh, my god! oh! no! no! no! no! no! stop! no, stop! [ horn blaring ] aah! no! no! fu-- i swear she did that on purpose.
man on television: and nowhere's tonight's health watch. woman on television: a deadly virus has hit new york city. doctors warn that this particular strain is extremely dangerous in children under 5 and especially to the elderly. symptoms include high fever, accompanied by nausea and violent diarrhea. mr. rose? would you sprinkle some salt on the steps?
they're terribly icy. you better notgo outside, then. waah! ow! ow! mother-- a giant tow truckruns it over, followed by an s.u.v.that it was...dragging. alex, that's horrible. i kn-- [ laughs ]
i know. i know.can you believe it? no, i can't. i triedto warn you, alex. we're canceling every contractthat's in breach. je-- in breach? it's not -- it's not in --i have the crushed powerbook. i'm sorry, darling. you know, if you put as muchenergy into your work as you do into excuses,
you -- you might have madethe deadline. excuse me.do you have the shark? man: yes, we do. excellent. i'm gonna have that...uh, no bones and... [ man coughing ] [ sniffling ] [ coughing ] [ sneezes ] [ sniffing ]
[ sniffs ] how do you feel? like i'm knockingon death's door. [ sniffling ] [ exhaling ] well, look who's here. come in, both of you. hi, mrs. connelly. happy thanksgiving.
oh, thank you. how are you? oh, i'm grand. uh, but how arethe two of you? you -- you lookrather sallow. no, no.we're fine. we brought you some popcorn.[ exhales ] [ laughing ] oh.oh, how lovely. [ sniffles ]
i adore popcorn. so does little dick. so, did you have a nicethanksgiving dinner? oh, yes, dear. that lovely italian ladyin the post office brought mea sumptuous dinner. the only problem issome of the carcass didn't go downthe disposal. that's 'cause you don't havea disposal. i don't?
[ tools clattering ] it's really stuffed up. ugh! [ gags ] [ coughing ] all right! if you ask me, you two have gotsome sort of bug. thank god officer dan took meto have a flu shot last week. upchuck is a delicacy for little dick.
he's salivating. how much can we get,kenneth? well, that all depends on how far you're willingto drop the price. first of all, you way overpaid. and then you gotthat tenant. you saidshe was a sweet old lady. oh, i can't imagine those wordscoming out of my mouth. so you're saying that we'restuck in this hellhole?
unless you're willing to takea huge, huge loss. how huge? huge, huge. we're just totally screwed,right? yeah.i would say screwed is apt. do you think that jean wouldever give you a second chance? no. no, it's over. besides, how could i have timeto rewrite my novel and still do my faithfulservant duty to her
as her littleindentured servant person, her little butt boy? i mean, i got a lotof duties, honey. 'cause, like, she might need me to go out and, you know,count grapes with her or go help her fixher heater or go take her to the -- tothe -- to the -- to the laundry. or i gotta go help her,uh, clean her banana skins and i gotta go help herclean out her garbage
and i gotta go help herfill her monthlies out or go and wipe her ass! god forbid she should haveany shit hanging off her ass! alex... no. really, really. 'cause then i gotta run up theredouble-time like a little bunny and i have to go up therewith my little tissue and i gotta go wipeher little ass. and then i have to go, "oh,good for you, mrs. connelly!
"good for you for havingsuch a nice, little poopy. "oh, what's that? you gotsome poopy on your diapie? "ooh, let me goand clean it off... with my tongue!" excuse me, sir. i mean, enough is enough! excuse me. off we go, dickey boy. okay, come on, come on,come on, come on.
we don't havethat much time. i know.she's running errands. that only gives us12 hours. you -- there.me -- there. a little saltin her sugar bowl. hey,come check this out! roger. ohh! tripped on the rug.i'm all right.
you sure you knowwhat you're doing? oh, yeah. i rewired the lampon your desk in your office. cool. 'cause if the shockdoesn't get her, a little bitof gas poisoning should. [ exhales sharply ] out goes pilot one. [ exhaling sharply ] out goes pilot two. an hour at 375ought to do it. did you remember to blow out the pilot for the oven?
honey... [ explosion ] aah! [ electricity crackling ] the stain is dripping on us. isn't it soothing? look, we got a big water staindownstairs, mrs. connelly, so i got to lookat the pipes. what in god's namehas happened to your face?
oh, i just fell asleepin one of those tanningmachines. i'm okay. you look likea roast mutton. [ clanging ] how are you doing,mutton head? [ groans ]i'm almost done. ah! on the average, she gets up to change the channel 19 times a night walking this48-inch footpath.
by the time she getsto the back end of that "hawaii five-o" marathonnext week, the acid should have eatenthrough the floorboards. and we'll finallybe happy. it wasn't our fault,officer dan. maybe you should findthe plumber. he's the onethat fixed the pipes. right? [ both laughing ]
you know, we might want to geta hotel room this weekend just in case. sweetie, now that we have a holein the ceiling, i thought maybe it could be a new place for the staircaseto go. yeah.looks good. where are you going? a little insurance. alex, no!not mr. peacock.
mr. peacock's gonna have to takeone for the team, okay? [ creaking ] [ click ] [ speaking foreign languages ] that's it. she's watching"riverdance." i didn't know people stillwatched "riverdance." [ up-tempo music plays ] you know, this is actually harder than it looks.
[ screaming ] holy mary and joseph! i could have fallen right through. [ crackling ] [ indistinct talkingover police radio ] the floorboards here,they're rotten to the core. a-a while back she hired thisrussian guy to fix the pipes. and i don't know if you noticed, but there's all this sort of water damage that he left.
and it seems to lead -- with all due respect to mr. d, alex, you were up here yourselffiddling with me pipes a few days ago. fiddling with her pipes, huh? now, that's another fine right there. for what? you can't plumb withouta license in new york city. plumb?i can't plumb?
are you sassing me,mr. rose? he's not sassing you. yeah, no, no,i'm not sassing you. i'm...not. i didn't think so. 'cause i knowa city building inspector that eats chickenshit slumlordslike you for lunch. you got it? i-i get it. i don't --you know, slumlord --
and... you're gonna buy miss connellya brand-new tv. in fact, miss connelly, i'm gonnapick it out myself. oh! could you get one ofthose clappy things? it makes my viewing so much easier. [ indistinct conversations,siren wailing in distance ] smoke. smoke, smoke. mesca. ludes, ludes.
gun? what? gun. so this iswhat it's come to? i guess so. i don't even thinki've ever held a gun be-- ohh! [ indistinct conversations,machines beeping ] i think i've got everythingi need here.
we've got an unlicensed gun charge, and then pendingan investigation -- it was an accident. it's my experience that wives don't accidentlyshoot their husbands in the penis. and as much as this particular man might deserve it, spousal abuse... is a very serious crimein this state.
you two have a good night, now. he thinksyou're abusing me. well, you did shoot me. [ curtain opens ] you're very lucky. your handdeflected the bullet away from the tissue of the actual organ and just nicked the scrotum. what about the,you know, the --
uh, the -- the berries? [ "sexual healing" plays ] oh. ♪ wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up ♪ ♪ oh, baby, now, let's get down tonight ♪ you feel that? yes.mm-hmm. that's good. okay. i'm gonna run a few more tests,
but i think you should be out of here by tomorrow. poor mr. peabody. he took onefor the team. i know. i just think that we'regoing about this murder thing all wrong. you think?! maybe we should justkeep it simple. this is so not simple. yeah, but you know
she triple chain-locksthe front door at night. a little more,a little more. okay. where is she? maybe she's in her chair. you caught me. i can't help but sneak a fagonce in a blue moon. we, um... we thoughtthat you might be cold, so we brought youan extra pillow.
oh,such consideration. so unlikethe other landlords. many have passed through the dwelling below, but i just knowyou two have come to stay. officer dan put in me new television. 52 inches. and he gave me these noise boxes -- there and by me chair -- so it's likei'm in the cinema.
oh, it's going to beso wonderful here. you two lovelies... me... officer dan. we're going to beone big, happy family. the irish have a saying that it's unlucky to come inone door and go out of another. something to dowith the dead -- evil spiritsand the like.
[ thud ] good night, now. do you know what,dears? i thinki've enough warmth... as it is. night. that was,without question, the weirdest 7 minutesof my life. [ hands clap,television blares ]
captain connelly battled wavestwice the size of that! didn't he, little dick? [ rumbling ] [ man on television shouting ] we're just gonna be one big,happy family! [ laughing ] what?! is it us?! are we doing such a bad jobof trying to kill her?! it's not our fault!she's a freak of nature!
[ man on television screaming ] hey! i thought you were supposedto get rid of these. i did! it's strange.i don't know how that got there. yeah, right. "ass patrol"! hand methat "ass patrol." now,depending on her mood, she could be watching tvover here
or sneaking a cigaretteover there. i realize that this isjust horribly cluttered. when we get in there,we're gonna go fora much cleaner look. okay, nancy. it's... sorry. what's the easiest wayinto this hag's place? well,we found the, uh... dumbwaiter to berather effective.
yeah, and you reallydon't have to pull thathard to climb it. you know, we could even leavethe back door open for you. so, chick... how much is thisgonna set us back? 25k. o-- 2--okay. 'cause we had hada slightly different figure in our heads. we were thinking maybesomething a little closerto, like...
half a "k." the bottom-line pricefor wet work is $25,000. when do you thinkyou could, uh, do it? i'll do it thursday night. christmas eve? i got a little functionto go to. then i'll swing byand get it done. put the cash in the dumbwaiter. got it?
got it. okay. don't forget your computer. [ engine turns over ] thank you so much. good night. okay... now all we needis $25,000. "piper grabbed the leash of the only partner he'd ever known,
"and the private eye and his trusty jack russell headed downtown. 'i guess it's just one of those things worth killing for, huh, sonny?'" woman: we'll take a break and come back for some q&a. dental surgery. $25,000?! the thing is, you know,with nancy losing her job, and -- and -- and with the --with the mortgage and now with me losingmy book contract, things have just gottenkind of desperate,
and i wouldn't even be askingif it wasn't serious. [ door slams ] did you get the money? no. he didn't thinki needed it. but, uh, i did get a nice, uh, new, signed first edition for my collection. he wrote it in 4 days.want to know how? listen to this.let's see. okay. "her hair wasbright yellow likethe color of your pee
after you take a multivitamin." it's a nice --nice metaphor... asshole! stupid,freaking asshole! i hate you and your stupiddon piper mystery and your stupidpregnant wife who's gonna havea little baby that hasa freaking six-pack because its mother never eats!
honey... honey, we're gonna getthat money. how? how are we gonna get $25,000in two days? [ "it's beginning to looklike christmas" plays ] ♪ it's beginning to look a lot like christmas ♪ not mr. peacock. ♪ take a look in the five-and-ten ♪ ♪ glistening once again ♪
♪ with candy canes and silver lanes aglow ♪ ♪ christmas ♪ ♪ toys in every store ♪ ♪ ooh ♪ ♪ but the prettiest sight to see ♪ ♪ is the holly that will be ♪ ♪ on your own front door ♪ [ hinges creaking ] [ zipper opens ]
children: ♪ jingle bells, jingle bells ♪ ♪ jingle all the way ♪ ♪ oh, what fun it is to ride ♪ ♪ in a one-horse open sleigh, hey! ♪ ♪ jingle bells, jingle bells ♪ ♪ oh, what fun it is to ride... ♪ all:merry christmas! [ laughing ] that's good, kids.that is good. now, you save those voices for the neighbors, okay?
officer dan,what a pleasant surprise. what can we dofor you? i havesome holiday cookies i want to take upto miss connelly. oh, okay. oh, that's nice. no.i'll take them up myself. i'll bring them upfor you. if you don't mind... uh, i don't -- i don't --i don't --
i don't think she's even...up there. she's not, so you should justleave it at the door. [ snoring ] ugh! ohh! ohh! ow! hey! cut that out. ow! ohh! stop it.hey, hey!
s-stop it!what the heck is going on? there are kids here. i knew there was domestic abusein this house. i'm gonna come back in 10 minutes. come on, kids.let's go. ♪ jingle bells ♪ good save. [ little dick squawks ] i knew they'd send a pro.
aah!huh! aah!you shot me! i've got you,you brute! who are ya -- bringing a knifeto a gunfight? let go of me! [ squawks ] what's he doing? he's doing his job. nngh!
if you want to dancewith me, you've gotta buy mea drink first. rr!ow! ow! is that smoke?! ohh! aah! get off me,you crazy bitch! oh, je-- [ gasping ] [ squawking continues ]
[ coughing ]wait, wait. what?what? [ panting ] here we go. you all right?you okay? yeah, yeah.where's little dickey? dickey, dickey.here you go. dickey. here, here. oh, dick.
i never thoughtyou had it in you. thank god i boughtthat fire extinguisher. yeah. we were justtrying to help her out. yeah. her andlittle dickey. i'll just write this citation upfor electricity. thank you.okay. thanks. kenneth: believe it or not, i need two more autographs, and that will be it. so how's the new placeworking out for you?
it's cute. i'll tell you, the bronxis an up-and-coming borough. you didn't lie, kenneth.it all looks incredible. i told you they'd fix it up,didn't i? friedmans,meet alex and nancy. hey. hi. we can'tthank you enough. this is just a dream house.it's so quiet. honey, won't this be perfectfor your sleep disorder?
i'm drowsy already.[ laughs ] hey, who wants to run upstairsand say hello? well,we should get going. we should. we have to...we should... nonsense! you pulled the womanout of a burning building. you'd break her heart if you didn't take a momentto say goodbye. come on! mrs. connelly,i brought you a surprise!
mrs. connelly!! the hearingon this one... look who's here.she's asleep. sweetheart... she's stiff as a board. no. she's just...hard-of-hearing. mrs. connelly! she's dead. oh, poor thing.
no. she can't be dead.[ chuckles ] i guessit was just her time. come on, i'll --i'll call the friedmans. you don't have to stay herefor this. you've done enough. come.come, come, come. must have beenall the excitement. i can't believe it. she was so fullof life. i mean...for all our differences,
that old lady really hada lot of...spunk. a lot of it. do you thinkshe's up in heaven? well,i'll tell you something. wherever she is,she's in a better place. you should have seentheir faces when i saidshe was a goner. i thought they were gonna faintright there on the spot. so cheap, though i wishi could have been there. trust me.it wasn't easy holdingme breath all that long.
next time, i want a bigger cutof your commission, kenny. what are you talking about?we give you everything, ma. there's barely enoughleft over for danny and i to have a littlecruise to the caribbean. i'm the one puttingme caboose on the line. oh, come on. you had it easywith alex and nancy. they were a nice couple.i do hope they'll be all right. ah, they'll be fine. he's a writer. they thrive on adversity.
i hope his next book is better than his last one. maybe this time he'll write about something he knows. narrator: alex and nancy's dream house may have been too good to be true. but did they live happily ever after? well, read the book. [ hands clap ]
