watch now! detail...
[upbeat funk music plays] marnie? i know we agreedto take some time off. and i think that wasa great idea. my god. it gave us both a chanceto experiment, if you will, and meet all sortsof new and interesting,different people. you did quite a bit moreexperimenting than i did. a lot more experimenting.you are like a scientist! [chuckles, snorts]
with beakers and...but, obviously, i'm coolwith that. like... 'cause the thing is,i think we're strongeras a result. but here's the thing, marnie,it's been two years. and that's a lot of time off. and i'm readyfor some time on. i miss you. i miss us. i got something for you. what do you think?
oh, man! it's depressing. i mean,it's really depressing. it's horribleto watch you like this. i think this is really pretty.how's it work? oh. what the hell is that? i got itfor valentine's day, right beforeshe broke up with me. look, stainer, i know youdon't like her very much.
no. no. i hate her.in fact, the day that youbroke up with her, i marked that downin my calendar as a dayof rejoicement. i'm gonna celebrate it witha cake with her face on it. but instead of eating it,we smash it. ok?you can do a lot better. - you deservea lot better, kirk.- thank you, but i've seen what'sout there and i don't thinkit gets any better. when have you beenout there? when have youleft the apartment? i went outon four different dates. with three girlsand that guy.
i don't know whathis intentions were,but it's fine. we had a great conversation.he was just lookin'for a friend. - know what your problem is?- what? - you're a moodle.- a "moodle"? a man poodle.girls, they want totake you out on a walk. they want to feed you,they want to cuddle you.but, make no mistake, no girlwants to do the moodle. - no one'd ever fuck a moodle.- no. - he's right.- i'm telling you,
if you want to get marnie back,she has got to believe that from the secondshe broke up with you, your life has beena non-stop snatch parade. or you could just bewho you are. why can't thatbe good enough? why don't you put yourfucking balls in here, dude? [plane engine roaring] woo! [man] yeah!
"snatch parade." - really, kirk?- yeah, it's beenpretty awesome. i've been raw-doggin'some randoms. usually careful.mostly careful, though. always using protection. double-baggin' it sometimesjust to make sure there's no seepage, uh, because... ...gonorrhea, herpes and stuff.i don't want that. wow. i am really happythat you are doingso well with the ladies.
but, truthfully, marnie. i really just wantto give all that up and get back togetherwith you. oh... kirk? you knowi'm with ron now. raw-doggin' some randoms? wow, kirky, sounds likeyou got some good stuffgoin' on. - yeah.- thanks, ron. we're kind of in the middleof something right now.
[indistinct whisper] oh, you want to talk?no problem. - i'll just bein the other room.- thanks, buddy. ah, sorry. one more thing.is there any salsa? you know what?i'll find it myself.good luck there, pirate. - are you kidding me,marnie? that guy?- that guy is an entrepreneur. - well, ron owns a pizza hut.- that's a business. it's not even a real pizza hut!it's a pizza hut express! working airport securitywith your dipshit friends
isn't getting you closerto being a pilot. i... i got you somethin'. like, remember that timei made you the mix tapeof all the kate bush songs i thought applied to ourrelationship? this is cooler. happy valentine's dayfrom two years ago. hi, honey.everything ok? - yeah.- oh, god, what is that? i think it's an ashtray? - no, it's for your earrings.- or that.
kirk, please, don't causea scene. everyone's over. jesus, mom, a littleprivacy here, please? - it's ok, mrs. kettner.- ok. kirk. you knowthat i don't get alongwith my own parents, and you've been really greatabout your familypractically adopting me since we broke up. - i love you.- marnie, i love you, too. [stammers] just... ok...let me finish. i love youlike i love... tv.
- i love you like i love pizza.- superfly snuka! - no, dylan!- [woman] you still got it! - give it to him!- what's up, little bro? - [kirk] fuck you!- dylan! leaveyour brother alone. - [woman] snap himlike a wishbone.- sore spot? just let it happen. - yeah! you ain't got shit,you pussy!- [kirk] i hate you! mom!kirk said he hated me! ok, let's move out!movie night! i do not wantto miss the previews. - here. i got the brews.let's go!- comin' with us, pirate?
- no, thanks.- it's chris tucker, dude. yeah, i think i'll pass. do you see the wordscomin' outta my mouth?! chris tucker, right? mom!i did the chris tucker for him. - [mrs. kettner] that's nice.- i'm just gonnaleave this here. [dylan] he's the black guyfrom rush hour. - [man] let's go, go, go!- ok. - [dylan] mom... yeah.- you know, it's engraved on... [door shuts]
[♪ pop levi: wannamama] ♪ ha! ♪ ♪ ooh hoo, wannamama ♪ ♪ ooh hoo, i wannamama ♪ ♪ ooh hoo, gotta get her ♪ ♪ break, break break, break ♪ ♪ break, break... ♪ ♪ i wannamama ♪ boarding passes and idswhere i can see them, please!
let's go! - hey.- hey. [stainer]boarding passes and ids... oh, well, well, well.thanks for comin' in, kettner. sorry i'm late, fuller. - yeah? you'd betterhave a good excuse.- no. you wanna take a second?make somethin' up? - nope.- interesting. [fuller] oh, look at this.
yes, yes. yeah, that's so good.that's great. that's perfect. listen, mr. friedman,their quote is lower than ours. so if fake flowers andcheap champagne is how youwant to woo your clients, then feel free to blow us out.i'm sure the event'll be fine. thank you, mr. friedman.tomorrow. have a nice flight. boarding passes and idswhere i can see...[clears throat] hi! - hi.- hay-lo.
hi-lo. hello! new york, huh?yeah. the big... city. big apple. big apple city. i get up there a lot,'cause i actually,i gig up there. i play in a band. - i'm the lead in a band.- hey, stainer. did you getthe numbers with... for the new proceduresregarding planes?
this is randy. - what's up?- hi. - well, everything checks out.- thank you. - do you need a hand?- no. smooth. go put thisback in the trash. - it's a memo.- put it back in the trash! - boarding passesand ids, please!- next! oh, ma'am! - your shoes.- oh, sorry. ok, let's go ahead andstrip off that belt too,while we're at it, huh?
you have any piercingsyou want me to know about? anything at all? eh... all right,i'm really late for my flight. why don't you step on through,we'll see if you set offthe machine. thank you. no, no, no. not so fast. i'm gonna have to ask youto step overto the wanding area. - fuller, why?- well, you never know.i mean... oh! you just waved the wandover your tie clip!
- no, i did not.- yes, you did. well, i am keepingan eye on you. wow. they let guyslike that work here? [fuller] yep! yes, they, they, theylet that guy be my boss. thank you for pissing offyour boss for me. oh, yeah, please,anytime. - molly! your boarding pass.- oh, thanks... kirk. kirk.
[man] flight six-three to jfk, you're cleared for taxiing on runway two-niner. [man] cabin crew, lock doors and cross-check. dude! cut it a little closer,why don't you? i think i lost my iphone.i left it in security. well, here, calm down.i'll call it. [phone ringing] - hello?- who's this? i don't know. might be the guywith the new iphone. who's this? i don't know.might be your worst fuckingnightmare, you...
- patty! stop it!- sorry. hello? thank godyou have my phone.my name is molly mccleish. i remember you well.what gate are you at?i'll run it over. know what? we're actuallypushing back right now. excuse me.you're not supposedto be on your phone. - it's bad for the plane.- oh, i'm sorry.are you a plane doctor? no? so shut the fuck up. [kirk] tell you what, i'll leave it at lost and found for you. how 'bout that?
would you hold on to itfor me? i'm coming back tomorrow. i'm an event planner. i'm having this party at the warhol museum. - we could meet there.- yes, of course. i know where that is.it's actually - on my way home from work.- sir? - she's talking on her phone.- dude! go shit in your hand. i have to go.
[man] tonight's the night, kirky. [kirk] no, i... devon, tonight is just a night where i returnsome lost propertyto a fellow human being. come on, man,you gotta be positive. it's exciting!i mean, the night'sfull of possibilities. - i can almost smell 'em.- oh, man. - you know what thisreminds me of?- what's that? the moment when aladdinwent to meetprincess jasmine. what?
you're like a street urchin,and this is the palace! ok, so thenwhat does that make you? i'm the genie. why am i so nervous?this is stupid. let's getthis over with, ok? let's go. yeah. let's goon a magic carpet ride. [♪ king juju: doin' my thing] ♪ 'cause all the ladies go crazy, this i know ♪ ♪ you can pass right past and still be slow ♪ ♪ you can have a lot but still mean a little ♪
♪ can't, won't stop big in the middle ♪ ♪ player in the game here to make a name... ♪ [woman] no, i think it's good.we have to act positive. - wendy!- hi! congratulations, ladies. - this party is so amazing.- it is, right? - hey. sorry i'm late.- nice, katie. real classy. i had a major laundry disaster.this is the only dry brathat i have left. - do you want meto take it off?- [all] no! just take a trayand circulate.
yeah, circulate.know what that means? hey, excuse me. i'm lookingfor molly mccleish? - are you here to arrest her?- no. what about you?you gonna search me? no. no, i'm, i'm not tsa. i can get you a maddiscount on a flight,if you want, though. molly's my sister.she's... up there. - thank you.- thanks. hey!
- hey.- hey. this is patty. hey. - oh, this is my friend, devon.- princess jasmine. um... - here's your phone.- oh, thank god. you... thank you.you saved my life. oh, please. it's no big dealat all. i think we'regonna get goin' now. we're a bit overdressedfor this. - yeah.- oh, no! you guys look great.
you should stayand have a drink, right? know what?excuse me one second. get a drink, but don't get itfrom my sister's tray. what's up, freckles? [laughs nervously] ...your friend's hot. what'd she just say? - "i think your friend is hot."- yeah, right. seriously, kirky,do not josh me.all right? i need this.
well, devon, i wouldnever josh you. she said,"i think your friend is hot." - yeah?- yeah. - yeah!- oh, stop. - yeah!- no. no. no, you... devon,you're happily married. you and i both knowyou'd never cheat on karen. yeah, you're right.i don't need to. know why? 'cause that girlthinks i'm hot. [chuckles]
know what? don't tellkaren about this. - no.- stuffed mushroom? - yeah, sure.- [devon] yeah. i dropped 'em on the floor,but five second rule. - good. thank you.- it's ok, i'll wait. suit yourself. - what the...?- [man] shit. - what the hell are you doing?- i am so sorry, sir. i... i...
- what?- i don't know. - katie!- no, no, no, not katie. this is all my fault.i'm very, very sorry. can i seeyour invitation? probably not the best thingto say to the museum director. true, but we should docultural eventslike this more often. kirk! oh, my god. patty told me what happened.what can i say? i'm so sorry. my reputation in the artscommunity may be shot,
but i think i'll get over it. know what? i'd liketo make it up to you. - are you free tomorrow night?- yeah, yes. yes. we handle some of the penguinsevents, we've got seatsfor the islanders game. [devon squeals] - do you like hockey?- do i like hockey? yes, i do. great. there's two tickets.so, maybe, bring a friend. wow, thank you so much.that's amazing. - and the ticketswill be at will call.- ok.
- [molly] bye.- bye. - bye.- good night. fare thee well,dear princess. until our magic carpetsalight from agrabahto the cave of wonders for a night of romance...and hockey. - i'm taking stainer.- are you serious? - uh, no, no, no, that's... - yeah. she's not into me.there are very few things thati am absolutely certain of. - this chick does not like me.- oh, don't be sucha laydown larry.
i'm not being a..."laydown larry?" it's just like me sayin'that i'll never go to the moon, i'm all right with that, too. you don't want to goto the moon? bullshit. no, i am saying thati never will go to the moon, and that's finebecause i never expected to. you don't know that.technology and stuff. - you might go to the moon.- he's right. no. this girl is,like, fuckin' hot!
yeah, but you saidthat shit about marnieand, let's face it, marnie was kind of a skank. - [kirk] hi.- hey. marnie.we were just talking about marnie, the name...and how it's unfortunatethat it's not more common. fuck you, stainer. you didn't let me finish.more common for skanks. - [stomps]- [stainer groans] hey, kirk, so are yougonna go to bransonwith your folks next month?
- i don't think so.- 'cause they invited me and ron to come along,and we'd love to go, but not if it's gonna beweird for you. [nervous laugh] tickets are non-refundable, and i love branson,but it's totally up to you. - yeah, no, you should go.it's fun.- thanks. ok. - ok...- i... that's... ok, so she's taking hernew boyfriend to bransonwith your parents.
[♪ cosmic ballroom: happy drunk (pigmix)] i don't knowwhether to laugh or cry. penguins are facing off against the islanders. what do you think are the keys to the game? - i got the first one.- thank you very much. i got a 20.four beers, please. three? - two?- mm-hm. - he seemed nice.- that was all of my money.
- oh, my god. she's here.- what? - that chick, from the airport?- [molly] i'll tryand call him... didn't thinkshe was gonna show. hi! - hey. so you gotthe tickets ok?- oh, yeah. thank you so much. - cool. oh, you remember patty.- hi. hi, there. of course.i didn't think thatyou were coming. - i just... this is amazing.- hey. stainer. i'm sorry?
- stainer.- what? - stainer.- his name is stainer. - right.- [stainer] just anon-descript nickname. doesn't mean anything, you know.it's like greg. you look like someonei went to high school with. - what high school?maybe it was me.- no, he's in a coma. oh. who brought the good newsbear? somebody give hersome fucking honey. ok, should we justmeet you up at the seats? - yeah, perfect.- [molly] ok.
- kirk, that molly girl'sinsanely hot.- yeah, i know. - [stainer] you knowwhat's happening.- what's that? she's setting you upwith the bitchy friend. perfect for you,'cause you like bitches. yeah, well,that's fine. uh... patty's not a bitch,she's, uh, different. yeah, different in that she's abitch and other people aren't. [♪ the fratellis: chelsea dagger] [vocalizing]
- shoot! shoot! shoot!- come on! - will! will!- pass it, pass it! come on, averill,play the man, not the puck! [stainer] yeah, come on, dick! i'm sorry, the player thati was screaming at is a forward, but for some reason he keepshanging back at the blue line - with the defensemen.- you realize they're hanging back 'cause they'retrying to kill a power play. uh... that is exactlywhat's happening.
damn it, fox,keep your stick down! - that felt good. [giggles]- yeah. she knows a strange amountabout hockey. - yeah, man.- yeah. whoa! hey, mol. what... scott reese knows you? - a little.- little bit. come on, reese, pick it up!you suck today!
[♪ the fray: over my head (cable car)] ♪ everyone knows i'm in over my head ♪ - what a save!- oh, my god, he caught that. ♪ with eight seconds left in overtime ♪ - fuck you, man! fuck you!- he's such a freak! ♪ she's on your mind ♪ - [buzzer sounds]- [cheering] [buzzer] - i'm gonna get some drinks.- ok.
- i'm gonna getsome beers, guys.- oh, ok. i see what's goin' on. yeah,i'll get some beers with you. [man] turn your attention to the center ice... - you two stay here.you know, talk.- i know. ow! hi. [man] ...charlie slaughter from brookline. - ye olde intermission.- [man] ...pick a winner! listen, whilewe have a minute here,
molly's alwaystrying to set me up. that's whyshe brought me along, but honestly i'm notinterested, no offense. no offense taken. i assume thati am probably not your type. i was talking about stainer. what? what do you think,we're on, like,a double date or something? - well, yeah.- yeah, but that'd meanthat molly... - no.- yes. kirk, molly's into you.
[♪ all systems go!: something about you] - yeah! it's effortless.- listen, kirk, i love you, but there's no way on the planetthat molly is into you. why would she bring a friendand give you two tickets? well, molly brought pattyfor you, but patty thoughtyou were a moron. ok, now i knowyou've gone crazy. you're telling methe hottest chick i've met in my life wants you,and the hamburglar wasn't into me? listento yourself. fuck you.
- fuck...- that's a prettyimpressive catch, kirky. right. the day that thathappens is the day thatjack sleeps with your wife. [clears throat] what, did thatalready happen? we weren'ttechnically dating yet. my bad. are we gonna talkor are we gonna bowl? all i'm saying is,this girl's too hot. i mean,no judgment on kirky,
but the guy'sjust outgunned here. - [man] yo, house ball!- [kirk] "house ball?" yeah, i was up first. - ok. ok. my bad.- for fuck sake! hey! - what is it with you people?- hey, he can justwait his turn. oh, really?all this noise and shit, and my best friend is sucha distraction in yourgoddamn peripheral vision? all right, take it easy. it's all good.let him do his thing.
well, fuckin' roll then. - bring it, brunswick!- i'm here. let's do this,come on. [all shouting] you feel strong, tough guy? - walk!- you piece of shit! - get off!- all right, come on. - tsa, motherfucker!- don't! [stainer] he's lucky. - he's an asshole.- i'm really sorry.
ok, anyway...i love kirky, but let's face it,the guy's a five. stainer, that's just dirty pool.he's at least a six. a six? you go ahead and pumprainbows into his asshole, - but i'm just being honest.- come on, cut himsome slack. look. half a point 'causehe's a nice guy. right? he's funny, that's half a pointeach. that brings him to six. devon's right. but he drives a shitbox,deduct a point.
- take a point off.- what's wrong with my neon? oh, i don't know. except the people that makethat car don't even like it. - so we're back to a five.- five. meanwhile, this mollyis a hard ten. and that five point disparity,that is a chasm. - chasm?- yeah. chasm. you can't jumpmore than two points. where do you get this shit?
trust me, kirk.i can't even get a ten. - [chuckles] oh,not even you, huh?- i'm a six, ok? bullshit, you're a six!then what am i? - you're an eight.- ok, fine, you're a six then. but i get a one point bump'cause i'm in a band. stainer, you're in ahall and oates cover band! i'm pretty surethat's a deduction. adult educationis a tribute band. so that puts meback at a seven.
on a good day,the best i can bag is a nine. - what about your crappy car?- artist's exemption. i'm expected to havea shitty car. is there an artist's exemptionfor talkin' out your ass? yeah. it's calledbein' a rock star, jack. look it up in the dictionary.it's there. next to "fuck you!" guys, i thinkthis system's ridiculous. all right? if someone reallyloves you, then you are a ten. my god. what, are...are you hannah montana?
because nothingyou're saying right nowis of any help to kirk. - [cell phone ringing]- [kirk] ooh, ooh... what?! hello? hello!hey, molly. i'm well, thank you.how are you? first of all, thank you. yeah,it was great. it was incredible. thank you so much. no...[mouths] oh, my god! [stainer]kirky, what'd she say? i think she just asked me out.
yeah! way to go, kirkers! [♪ the 88: coming home] hey, did she say anything, you know, about wendythinkin' i'm hot? - oh, no.- shoot. i wonderif she's on facebook. - devon, you're on facebook?- yeah. i got like 37 friends. oh, cool. [grunts] moll, what about thisfor your date tonight?
katie, that's the mostdisgusting thing i've ever seen. wait. you havea date with kirk? when do you want thebad date bail-out call? i don't want it. no, seriously,work emergency or aunt died? - i'm not gonna need it.- whatever. what is your problem with kirk? i don't havea problem with kirk. i have a problemwith you dating kirk.
- why?- you dated cam and got hurt, so you pick a guylike kirk because he's safe. yeah. or maybe becausehe's just a nice guy. he's great. i just...you and i know he's not the kind of guyyou usually end up with. yeah, i know. - [indistinct chatter over pa]- ah, goddamn it. way to go.what happened to you? you look like shit.besides that.
i got, like, 30 minutesof sleep last night. what do i even sayto molly tonight? like, what, do i justtalk about her ridiculoushotness for two hours? i don't know.you were pretty smoothat the hockey game. thanks, man. well, that'sbecause i didn't think i stood a chance in hell,but now that she's asked me out i don't get it.it boggles my mind. why would she ask me out? - are you dying?- what?
you maybe have somerich benefactor in a top hat who's trying toset you up before you die. like great expectations.have you read that book? - yeah, man, well...- it's so weird! no, stainer,i'm not terminally ill. thank you for your concern. - then that'sa brain-teaser, isn't it?- tell me about it. - oh... you know,let's go this way.- who is that? nobody. just some chickthat i boned when i was drunk.
she's a total psycho.let's go this way. - it's quicker. come on.- what? [♪ bronwen exter: trust what you feel] - [kirk] this placeis tremendous.- [molly giggles] it's... i'm just tryingto think whether or noti've been here before. is this real silver?this is gorgeous stuff. - [giggles]- it has this lovelyterrace area. it's open. it's kind of likeeating on the today show set. - are you nervous?- [scoffs] yes.
[speaking french] ♪ i wish that i could and i promised i would ♪ uh... so you speak french? no, barely. i probably askedfor directions to the beach. that's amazing. any other hiddentalents i should know about? - i'm a lawyer.- you're a lawyer? i know. i, well,i'm not real... oh, i'm sorry,one second. i... ma'am? ma'am, you... yeah...i'll be right back.
[woman] ...what they werethinking. if they moved,changed their number. excuse me. ma'am!you forgot your sweater. - thank you.- thanks again. oh, no,i don't work there. - i...- [chuckles] it isn't... - i'm just returningyour sweater.- thank you. - sure. have a good night.- thank you. - sorry.- sorry, buddy. - thank you.- evening.
- [man] evening.- [man 2] evening. - evening.- evening. - [man 3] evening.- what's up? - cam?- mol! hey! - [molly] hey! i...- i'll see you guys there. i thought you werestill in new york. negative. i flew inthis morning. - oh, hi.- hi. [kirk] whoa.
- oh, this is kirk.- hey. - oh, hey, buddy. oh, thank you.- yeah, uh... - [cam grunts]- uh... - can i help you?- [cam] yeah, you bet. i'll take an armagnac.the lady'll have a dirtymartini with three olives. - thanks. her favorite.- i think there's beena mistake. - sorry, friend?- he's with me. honest mistake.sorry. there you go. - please.- that's awkward.
[molly laughs] - cam, this is kirk.- it's great to meet you, sir. great to meet you, sir.cam? is that short for cameron? - no.- why would it be? that's funny.your friend is funny, molly. - thank you so much.- am i gonna see you next week? um, patty and i are workingat the air show and cam'sour liaison guy. ooh! "liaison guy." ouch![chuckles] we were more than that, huh?see, molly and i used to date.
oh! well, i'm out. - it was great to meet you, sir.- [chokes] - see you, honey.- all right. bye. bye, cam! he seems great.he seems really great. - should we order? ok.- yeah. [molly] so i was interning at the law firm, studying for the bar,but i just kept thinking... is this what i reallywant to do with my life?
then i volunteered to plan theholiday party, and i loved it. and so i quit the firm,went into business with patty. well, you found somethin'that you love. that's amazing! yeah.yeah, it is amazing. anyway, i'm bored of me.what about you? oh, me. uh... pittsburghborn and bred, uh... i wanted to go to college,but my dad boughta swimming pool instead. [scoffs]
um, so my boy, stainer,hooked me up with my job at tsa and the rest isrock 'n' roll history. so tsa today.is there a tomorrow or...? some days i'll be at workand i'll look out the window and i'll see all those planestakin' off, goin' places, and i think i couldreally do that, you know. and it wouldn't matterif it was jetliners or cargo planesor whatever. i just would really lovethat feeling of freedom.
yeah. i knowwhat you mean. so now you knowmy big secret. - you should do that, kirk.- well, thank you. it was easyfor you to say. you switch jobsat the drop of a hat. no! no! not at all! my parents don't even knowi quit the firm. - what?- yeah, i know. my dad's anold-fashioned guy.
he's all about securityand, like, steady paychecks. and i guess we have a problemwith communication, and, um... i would like thatnot to be the case. and maybe, maybe,one day it won't be. - yeah.- [cell phone ringing] - do you have to get that?- ok. - no, you know what? it's fine.- really? yeah. [molly's voice] this is molly mccleish. i'm sorry i missed your call.
- please leave a message...- what?! nuh-uh. [♪ sara bareilles: many the miles] ♪ there's too many things that i haven't done yet ♪ ♪ too many sunsets i haven't seen ♪ [indistinct] ♪ you can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down ♪ ♪ you would have thought by now ♪ ♪ i'd have learned something ♪ ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ mmm... ♪ [vocalizing] never been driven homeby a waiter before. - [laughs] no.no, nobody usually is.- oh, right. - i had a really nice time.- yeah? - yeah.- thank you. me, too. ♪ i lose sight of the good life ♪ ♪ i get stuck in a low light ♪ you're not thinkingabout cam, are you? [laughs nervously] no. uh,"cam who?" is how i feel. no...
i've completely forgottenhow good-looking he is, and how beautifully moisturizedhis skin tones are. [laughing] ok. well... oh, my seat beltis screwed up. wait, wait. it goesin the goddamn correct... - thank you.- you're welcome. [stainer] she kissed you. she, with her actual mouth,kissed you? on purpose?
- yeah, yeah, man, i know.- i'm so happy for you, kirky. i'm not.i'm really nervous. i mean, it feels likethe universe is outta tilt. you know?one of us is gonna die. what's the next step here?we gonna take this up a notch? i'm referring tosexual relations, devon. she's comin' to lunchwith my parents on sunday. what? why?why would you do that? you can't do that, dude.you're jumping six steps!
well, i... she asked me. i don't know.what was i supposed to say? that takes care of that. i mean, 20 minutes withyour family and she'llfile for a restraining order. we're safe. hey, did she sayanything about wendy? you know, like, about me? [speaking japanese] [mr. kettner] ok, move it.
move it, move it,move it, move it. - that's what i'm talkin' about.- [kirk] mom? - that's what i'm talkin' about.- [mrs. kettner] hi, sweetie! [snorts] - hi. i'm kirk's mom.- hi. i'm molly. - hi!- nice! - to meet you.- yes. hi. i'm molly.nice to meet you, too. - yeah. thanks.- where's your restroom?
- right through there.- thanks. i'm gonnause the restroom. - yeah.- ok. - through there? ok.- yeah, through there. - oh, we don't flushnumber ones.- sorry? nothing!jesus christ, dad! that's... - what?- she's a guest. - thought we'd makeone exception?- we got very delicate plumbing. - i...- honey. she's really cute! - she's beautiful.- all that hair!
- [sighing] yeah.- you wanna watch the jap show? [rock music plays] - [grunting]- [laughing] - nailed it.- [kirk] dylan! i... i was explicitly toldthat you wouldn't be here today. i thought you werehangin' drywall or somethin'. leroy fired him again. whatever. like that dick nevercame to work with a buzz on. i brought a girl with me,so i am begging you,
from the bottom of my heart,please don't be a jerk, - and i'll do anything you want.- slap shot regatta. how long was i down there for?what's my time? what's my time? - nope. only 58 seconds.- damn it! - hey, there, pirate!- so, ron, you're here. - that means that...- oh, yeah! who wants it? who wants it?who wants it? i'll show it! - i'll show it!- yeah! oh, yeah! stop it, guys.
- boner patrol!- hey, kirk. hi, there.everybody, this is molly. molly, this is everybody. that's my brother, dylan,his fiancã©e, debbie and my... marnie and ron. hey, everybody! this is when you say,"hi, molly." - who are you?- she's molly. - why is she here?- she came with me.
you hit her caror something? jesus. no, butthank you for asking. - you his social worker?- nope. - shit, are we being evicted?- no. - you a hooker?- dylan! - or a prostitute, i mean?- oh, my god. kirk and i were having dinnerand he said he was getting together withhis family. it's beena while since i had a family dinner,so i hope you don't mind.
- i just invited myself along.- well, come on infor a dip, girl! - yeah!- ron! - i don't have a bathing suit.- wear your underwear. - yeah.- like a bikini.covers the good shit. - yeah, underwear is fine.- ron! it's like what they didin the old days. underwear would be fine... ...if i were wearing any. [bubbling]
- [mrs. kettner] lunch is ready!- i'm comin'! [kirk] jeez. [grunting] - my mom makes awesome meatloaf.- oh, cool. - after you.- sure you wantanother one, dad? [mr. kettner] what are you,my sponsor? hit me! [mrs. kettner] ron, honey, i never complimentedyou on your... ...on your sweater vest.it's something!
here you go. dylan, i think if youjust apologized to leroy, - he'll take you back.- no, screw him. got a foolproofmoneymaker on the way. you're gonna wantto pay attention. i know how to make any carinto a convertible in15 minutes, so... - wow.- yeah. you know why? - [molly] no.- two words: global warming. actually, dylan, accordingto the day after tomorrow,
the film, the earthactually gets colder. yep. what's, what's up... with you?are you...? these days? - what?- want me to help youwith the gar...? oh, fuck it. you seriouslynot wearing any underwear? - dylan!- we're all thinkin' it. if you want to plan an exitstrategy or leave right now,i won't be offended. - no, i'm not going anywhere.- what do you do? - i'm an event planner.- [dylan] see?
that's a business to get into.that's usin' your head. - thank you, dylan.- no, wait for it. book a band,blow up balloons, people pay out the assfor that, don't they? - yeah.- yeah, they do. [marnie clearing throat] [whispering loudly]i'm not wearing any underwear. hey, molly. molly.check it out. so deb and iare gettin' hitched. how much cash doyou pocket for a wedding?
any of this striking youas inappropriate? we're making conversation.don't get your panties in a wad. - jesus.- no, it's fine. a lot of factorsaffect the cost. check it out. we gotabout 100 peeps coming. we're doin' a nascar themein vegas. i'm gonna get thiskick-ass dress made outtaactual checkered flags, like real tight, then dylan'sgonna be in a wicked orange tux with a home depot logoon the back.
what's up, right? right? you've never seenanything like that? - should be extensive.- what's the damage on that? my base fee is 15,000.so 100 people... i mean, i'd ballpark thatsomewhere around 50 grand. - fuck you!- fuck you. - what?!- fuck you! - fuck you!- fuck! that's a lot of15 minute convertibles, dylan?
wait, so you make apretty comfortable living? sometimes. you got your head on right.and you don't do underwear. what the hell are youdoin' with numbnuts? - [mrs. kettner] dylan!- honey, what? - no, hey, whoa, fair question.- that's a fair question? - molly, i am so sorry.- it's fine. you know, i mean... well, i don't...i don't really know. no, he makes me laugh.he doesn't try and impress me.
and i can just be me around him. - [debbie] oh, that's sweet.- [mrs. kettner] she's a keeper. kirk makes you laugh?you a comedian? i didn't know. tell us a joke there,sinbad. i totally understandwhat you're talking about. the curse of beingan attractive woman. i mean, men are alwaysputting us on a pedestal, expecting us to besomething that we're not. - "us?"- come on, marnie, get real.
- what?- ok. you know, molly, we are taking a big family tripout to branson on the 31st, and i think you two should come. - i think you're wrong.- [all chattering] - [dylan] gotta come.- i don't thinkthat's a good idea. - you should come!- [marnie] we don't have room. - they've got shows.- kenny rogers'got his own theater. we'll get a ticket.i'll get you a ticket. - branson's small.- branson's a big place!
- shut up, ron.- can we go? - it's your call.- ok. well, i'll seewhat i can do. - hey, hot dog!- result! all right, relax. molly, i think there'ssomething you should know. kirk and i used to be lovers. if you stay with him long enoughhe'll give you one of these. - they're great.- thank you, dylan. that's mine.it's for my earrings.
kirk, you look really good. thank you. you look really...thank you so much. - [ron] it was fantasticmeeting you!- oh, you, too. you're so specialand god, i just... [molly grunts] uh... - branson, think about it.- ok. [ron] ok? - she's really great.later, pirate.- yeah. bye, pirate. [molly] let me help you,mrs. kettner.
[mrs. kettner] maybe youcould wrap those potatoes. come on. you're a guest here.you don't have to do that. oh, i don't mind. ready? you and me, downstairs,slap shot regatta. man, we're not children anymore.do we really have to do this? - mom!- kirk, go playwith your brother. - we need some girl time.- yeah, you promised. - so pad up, chickenshit!- yeah, i'll see you down there. aw, crap.
come on. let's do this! - let's focus it up.- [mr. kettner] left side. [♪ my federation: what gods are these] - that was lucky.- he never saw it,but he stopped it. come on, dylan,give it to him. you think you're mr. hot shitnow with your new chick? what? no. maybe i'm justa bit lucky tonight. i... - what are you?- you're not better than me. take a look. all these trophiessay dylan kettner.
- first place. first place. mvp.- i don't thinki'm better than you. i never said that.and maybe molly's a littlebetter looking than i am. a little?are you shitting me? ok, i think we canall agree that debbie hereis one wicked hot box. thanks, babe. this chick of yoursmakes her look like a pig. - what? you'rean asshole! what?!- see? this girlfriend of yoursis already startin' shit! did you see that, mom?!
- one second! butterfly!- [all shouting] - [all shout]- [groaning] - i want to have another baby!- no, that's ok, sweetheart. [mr. kettner]ok, boys, it's a tie. there are no ties in hockey,as there are no ties in life. - true.- last shot.winner takes all. go! [molly] ok, come on, you cando it. he's got nothing. he's got less than nothing.own it. you can do it. [debbie] come on, dylan!get in the zone!you're still my mvp, baby!
kirk's justa skinny little loser! - jesus, debbie.- man, i gotta sit down. you want to do this?let's do it. [molly shrieks] [debbie] damn it! [mrs. kettner]there's always a next time. - fuck it!- [mrs. kettner] dylan. this floor's all slippery! andthese shoes are fucked for this! - dylan, hey! sportsmanship.- fuck you!
- time out.- you guys take a time out from bein' assholes! [debbie] oh, god. ta-da! - i'll get us some wine.- yeah, cool. - this place is gorgeous!- [chuckles] thank you. this kind of reminds meof my place, except formy place is a total shithole. this is awesome.how long have you lived... - [dog barks]- my god!what the fuck is that?!
oh, that's captain pickles.i'm watching him whilemy folks are on vacation. what is he?a dog or a fuckin' horse? sit down. wha... [stammers]me or the dog? you. he doesn't likepeople standing. he feels threatened by it.he gets all, you know, angsty. hey, angsty, that's...no, hey, i come in peace. - chin chin. - [giggles] [♪ bill withers: use me]
[whines] ♪ my friends ♪ ♪ feel it's their appointed duty ♪ ok, wait. um... i don't want tomove too fast. i... no, sure, no problem.no problem. no, don't get me wrong.i mean, once i trust a person i can experimentand get pretty generous. yeah, yeah,no, me, too. me, too.
i... i'm... i love,love, to experiment, and i get really generous.i can be very, very generous. i am quite thecharitable lover. ♪ but, oh, baby baby, baby, baby ♪ ♪ when you love me i can't get enough ♪ ♪ they keep trying to tell me ♪ ♪ all you want to do is use me ♪ i got... can we stopfor two secs? no.
♪ but my answer ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ ♪ to all that use me stuff ♪ ♪ i, i, i is i wanna spread the news ♪ - [breathing rapidly]- ♪ that if it feels this good ♪ ♪ getting used ♪ ♪ oh, you just keep on using me ♪ [kirk groaning] - [grunting]- [doorbell rings]
- [man] honey, you there?- dad? "dad?!" what the...?oh, dear god! [mr. mccleish] are you in? - [molly] hey!- hi... - hey.- [mrs. mccleish] hey, baby. - [kirk] shit.- told you we should call ahead. we decided to come back early. [mr. mccleish]thought we'd come by, takethe captain off your hands. [katie] hope we aren'tinterrupting.
- who's your little friend?- [kirk whispering] oh, god! - well, this is kirk.- gerald mccleish.it's a pleasure. - ah, nope. nope.- no? i don't, uh...oh, god, where are my manners? you guys must be exhaustedfrom your travels.please, hey, have a seat. put your... put your feet up.really get into a groove. - thank you.- [kirk] sure. that's kind of you. [kirk] i think i havethat same sweater.
really? so, uh... that's... uh, no. oh, lord. oh, no, captain pickles.no. no, captain. pickles! - kirk?- excuse me. thank you for having me.this has been a lovely evening. good night. awesome.
[stainer] devon, i'll give you 50 dollars just to curse once. - seventy-five. just say "fuck."- i won't, i won'tsay it out loud. - i'll write it.- that doesn't count! - you're gonna what?- i'll write it down. that doesn't count!you have to say it out loud. - why doesn't it count?- say "shit." i'll give you 100. - oh!- hey. hey, kirk. um... my shift doesn't startfor another half hour,
but i was so excited,so i came early. yeah, weird. he said he wasexcited, so he came early. yeah. that everhappened to you? you're so excited aboutsomething that you come early. jesus christ, you're fort knoxover here. thank you very much. i didn't mean to tell 'em,kirky. i'm sorry. come on, he couldn't help it.it just, you know, slipped out. - yeah, yeah, yeah.- thank you. thank you very much.and go fuck yourselves.
- hey, guys.- oh, shit. kirk, can i talk to youfor a second? - in private.- there are no secretshere, marnie. ok. well, i think i made a little mistake,and, um, i see a change in you, and i really like it,so let's get back together! just to try it out.you know? uh, that's reallyinteresting. - no, i don't think so.- but you broke up with molly.
- she cornered me.- jesus, devon! look, marnie, i moved onlike you kept telling me to. you're here because someother girl has shown interest. that's not it! look, kirk, i am reallyworried about you with her. she seems likekind of a bitch. so i'm just saying that ifyou want to get back together, - like you begged me before...- shh... ...i am even willing toconsider breaking up with ron.
- what? you're still with ron.- the pirate? yeah. i'm not gonna riskbeing all alone just 'cause kirk doesn't knowwhat's good for him. look, kirky. deep downyou know it is never gonnawork out with you and molly. and i just can't standto see you get hurt. so if that makes methe bad guy... so be it. it's embarrassing. jesus christ. - hey.- [kirk sighs]
did you just comein your pants again? you can tell us.we're your friends. did you? hey, why would you tell heri broke up with molly? 'cause i thought you had. - no. we're justin a sticky wicket.- a "sticky wicket?" yeah, a rough patch.rough pumpkins. - how many timeshave you called her?- five. how many times have youreally called her? - seventeen.- it's done, man. tao of love.
- what?- that's what i call it. the tao of love.you being with molly defies,like, forces of nature. - it's over, man.- no. it's not over. frankly, i'm kinda sickof you guys pretending like you know where i'm comin'from. none of you knowwhat i'm goin' through. - tina jordan does.- who the hell is tina jordan? - she was my molly.- you never mentioned her. i didn't want to jinx it.but she was perfect. yeah, perfect.
freckled shoulders. anyway, two months into it,bam, she dumps me. i shoulda seen it coming,too, 'cause she was a ten.like a hard ten. and i was a six, possiblya seven. either way,i couldn't cover the spread. the universe spoke.and i was depressed for months. that's what that was?you said you had mono. - yeah. mono of the heart.- oh, my god. how's your vagina? shut up, jack! dude, forget stainer. all right?i think you could get her back.
why don't you look kirkin the eyes and tell him you believehe's gonna end up with molly. - just tell him that.- fine. fine. kirky, i trulybelieve that... i mean, i thinkanything's possible. - "anything is possible?!"- come on! like, there's a millionexamples of guys like kirky - endin' up withbeautiful women.- such as? - lyle lovett and julia roberts.- right.
richie sambora and heatherlocklear. then he went onto denise richards. yeah. all recording artists.normal rules don't applyto those guys. kirk, as soon as you recordan album and it goes platinum, you can push your meat intoany human being you want. ok, ok. ok.king kong and naomi watts. never consummated.totally platonic relationship. stephen hawkingand his lady nurse. he's the masterof space and time! he knows aboutblack holes and shit.
what about thepresident of france and that girl thatwent out with mick jagger? he knows about wine.and has a french accent. can probably french kisslike a motherfucker! - oh, ok, ok...- wait a second. the beast. - who?- the beast! from beauty and the beast? beast won beauty's love,and he wasn't rich andhe wasn't a recording artist. - though he did havean amazing voice.- ok, devon, that's a cartoon. but, yes, that's one.one out of a million.
you know what, stainer?all it takes is one. man, you... you guys justsit here and talk about relationships, but the truth is, i'm the only one herethat's married. i'm tired of you guysbustin' my nuggets 'causei've only been with one girl. it's 'cause she was the rightgirl! that's why i married her! so, kirky, let metell you somethin'.if molly's the right girl, that's all that matters.you just... you stand up. you stand up, you getin front of her. you get
right in her grill and you say,"hey, i am kirk kettner and i am right here,standin' in front of you... ...right here. here i am." - somethin' like that.- the power of love. - beautiful.- moving. very... perfect. thank you. i was in debate,junior/senior year. i don't know ifyou guys remember that. look at that.
oh, there she is. listen to me, dude. gotta go,loud and proud, gotta tell her, - "hey, i jizzedin my shorts" you know?- all right... no! "that's what i do. ok?it's how i roll. deal with it." you know,i know i don't know... i don't knowmuch about this, but that can't begood advice, i'm sorry. yeah, i'm notgonna do that. you have nothingto be embarrassed of.
if anything, you paid hera compliment. right? - yeah.- trust it. here goes nothin'. oh, shit, molly.six o'clock. - hey, molly.- hey. - did you get my messages?- yeah, yeah, i got them, kirk. what the hellhappened the other night? you act like a freakwith captain pickles, you won't get off the couchto shake my father's hand
when we had a whole conversationabout how he was old-fashioned! yeah, i know.i know. i'm sorry. i spent a whole daywith your entire family, and you can't even spend30 seconds with mine. i mean, that'sa pretty big red flag. - it is not a red flag.- i can't do this here. - i'm working, and...- ok. sorry. i ejaculated in my pants. uh...
uh... we were gettingsort of hot and nasty, you know... it's not every daythat i have a super-hot girl grinding on top of me, andi got a little too excited and, before i know it, your parentsare in the room and i'm there with just a big friggin'oyster in my shorts. right. sorry. sorry. i mean, i'll say thisfor him. he's honest. so thanks for the advice.that went horribly.
enjoy the air show, boys.i'm going to go... no guy in his right mindwould ever make that up. right? you should probablygo talk to him. - yeah.- just wait one second. and... here she comes. - kirk!- yes! [devon] she told him a jokeor somethin'. something's funny. they're ki... they're gonnaki... they're kissing! yes!
- you're like yoda.- yeah, i know. like sex yoda. [imitates yoda]"the force is strongwith you, jack." [jack] trust the system.it takes care of itself. - [kirk humming]- ah, that went well. kinda. [both chuckling] [cam] wow. she sure issomethin', isn't she? - it's kirk, right?- oh, god. hi, cam. [cam] excellentto see you again, sir.
listen, kirk.can i talk to you for a second? yeah, i guess so.see ya. listen, kirk. i understandthat fellas, such as yourself, have uniquely candidrelationships with the womenthat they befriend, - am i right?- fellas such as myself? don't get me wrong. i have noproblem with your lifestyle. what two or more grown men do inthe privacy of their own home, hell, it's ofno concern to me. i don't know what molly'stold you about me, all right?
if she said anything bad, let'sface it, i probably deserve it. - actually, cam, we haven't...- god as my witness,i'll get her back. cool. can i count on you to put ina good word for me, elton john? yeah, whatevergets this over with. you're the man, kirk.bring it in. - yeah, yeah, you got it.- [exhales] you feelthat tolerance? [cam sniffs] - man, you gays smell good.- [kirk] that's good.
this is awesome!does anybody have a camera? wait a minute, dude.does that, does that say...? [kirk] yep, i think it does. - jesus, man. goddamn it.- did you guys get a picture? by the way, kirk, you cando better than these guys. i mean, this one is kinda cute,but the other two... oof! show some pride, pal. [♪ tal bachman: she's so high] ♪ she's blood, flesh and bone ♪
[man] pittsburgh tower. foot long, you are cleared for takeoff... ♪ she's touch, smell, sight taste and sound ♪ [cam] roger that, tower. turn and burn. honestly, i'd have sexwith that guy. ♪ i know where i belong and nothing's gonna happen ♪ yeah, i would. ♪ 'cause she's so high ♪ ♪ high above me she's so lovely ♪ - fuck! you're lucky!- yeah!
♪ she's so high ♪ ♪ like cleopatra ♪ ♪ joan of arc or aphrodite ♪ ♪ high above me ♪ ♪ i know where i belong ♪ ♪ and nothing's gonna happen yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ high above me she's so lovely ♪ [kirk] so how's your sister doin'?
she turns 21 next weekand she's, i don't know, she still hasno sense of direction. you know? she's comingover for dinner, and i reallywant to give her advice, but i don't know whatto say to her, you know? so what do you... youdon't know what to say to her? she's only 20.she's not 30.and she's not you. you know?when i was 20, i did not havemy act together, man.
i mean,look at this kid now. i'm in tsa.i am livin' the dream. you're right. maybe i ambeing too hard on her. and, i'm sorry, but she'scomin' over for dinner? she's turning 21!you gotta throw her a party. i mean, that's what you dofor a living, right?you throw parties? i can't believei never thought of that. - that's a really good idea.- thanks. [stainer] it's been ten dates and you can't seal the deal?
what's wrong with you? listen to me. things withmolly are good, right? they're back on track. you have gotta recoverfrom your little oopsie-daisy, little early-bird special.gotta get back in that ring. it's just terrifying, frankly, the idea of me naked - in front of her... also naked.- but what's to be terrified of? because you've doneyour prep work, right?
yeah...i think she likes me. - she really likes you.- thank you. that's cute. yeah, good. but it's not at allwhat i'm talking about. a girl like molly,hot as shit, manicured fromfuckin' head to toe. - [stainer] mm. yeah.- right? what the hell are youtalking about? listen, i'm talkin'about this.
- uh-huh.- i'm talkin' about this. - [devon] your chin.- yeah. - and i'm talkin' about this.- [unzips zipper] - oh, jeez!- [jack] no, no, no, no, no, no. - look, guys!- [devon] jack! this is fine. 'cause thisis clean. it's organized. it's kind ofjapanese-looking, to be honest. whatever you do,don't look directly at it. [jack] i'll bet youcam's balls look like this.
it's like a baby.it's just smooth. it's a look that says, "hey,you can put your mouth here." - he is... he just moved.- [jack] it's just a thought. just tryin' to help,that's all. all right, stainer,let's get outta here. - yeah, i'm hungry.i gotta go eat.- hey, kirky. prep work. you hear me? out. god. ok.
- oh! ow! [whining]- shoot! kirky! kirky! we shoulda done a hot towel. you know, like thoseold-timey barbershops? - helps raise the hairs.- i don't like this! kirk, if you want to abort themission, that's completely cool. i don't... i can't reallyabort the mission right now. i've shaved approximatelyone-third of my balls. i'll look pretty fuckin' stupidif i stop now! did you shave one balland then the other ball,
- or are you workin'top to bottom?- shut up, shut up! you shut up. i mean, seriously,just shave it like your face! i can't do it like my face! my face doesn't have twotesticles sticking out of it! if it did, i would growa pretty thick goddamn beard. kirk? - do you need a hand?- oh, motherf...! there we go. so how is this not gay?
i think there'snothing gay about it. the fact thatyou're lettin' a straight married manshave your testicles... i think that makes you oneof the most macho guys alive. there is some logic in that. thank you. you know what?can you pick that up? can you pick 'em up for me? there it is. that's a lot. ok, drop 'em.
voila! - ow. ow, ow. ow, ow, ow.- take a look! devon! it looks fucking huge! [♪ playing kiss on my list] ♪ my friends wonder why i call you all the time ♪ ♪ what can i say? yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ well, i don't feel the need to give such secrets away ♪ ♪ well, you think maybe i need help ♪
♪ though i know i'm right all right ♪ ♪ i'm just better off ♪ ♪ not listening to friends advice ♪ ♪ when they insist on knowing my bliss ♪ ♪ la, la, la la, la, la ♪ ♪ i tell them this ♪ ♪ when they want to know what the reason is ♪ ♪ i only smile when i lie then i tell them why ♪ ♪ because your kiss ♪
♪ your kiss is on my list ♪ ♪ your kiss i can't resist ♪ ♪ because your kiss is on my list ♪ ♪ of the best things in life ♪ - ♪ because your kiss ♪- [crowd cheering] [mic squeals] all right, everybody,give it up one more timefor adult education! awesome stuff. they'regoing to play some more hall and oates for us,
and maybe some otherold favorites from some otherartists? no? - [man] you're kidding me.- nope. just...more hall and oates. everybody, let's raisea glass to patty and molly for throwing, by far, the coolest party i've everpersonally been invited to. great job, girls. let'shear it for patty and molly! and now, to the gorgeousbirthday girl, katie mccleish. you're 21 years old now.
what else can i say?let life come to you. - happy birthday, katie!- thank you. all right, guys,enjoy the party. - can you hold this for me?- why? better with my jacket off.just ditch that somewhere. what? what am isupposed to do with this? ok, now we're gonnatake it down. a lot. you're totally gonna jumphis bones tonight, aren't you? i don't know. maybe.
i think it's time for youto dance with me. [♪ playing every time you go away] ♪ why do we loose so many tears ♪ - ♪ whoa, so you go again ♪- hey, devon! wendy, remember? no. no, i don't.i... aw, shoot. i think this is the first timewe're meeting. ever! - ok.- this is my wife, karen. - i'm karen.- [giggling] wendy. [both] nice to meet you. [laugh]
[laughing] - that's good. ok, i'm gonna...- ok. - ♪ every time you go away ♪- what? ♪ you take a piece of me with you ♪ - oh, there's my parents!- what? hey! hey,let's go meet them. she's with thatfuckin' asshole. - [giggles] hi!- hi! - hey, baby...- dad, hi.
- you, uh, remember kirk.- yeah, how could weforget? yeah. - oh, this time we...?- hi, there. uh, mr.and mrs. mccleish, from the bottom of my heart,i am so sorry. the last time we metwasn't exactly the world's - greatest first impression.- no, it certainly was not. i promise you thati will grow on you. i hear this partywas all your idea. no, no.this is all molly's.
hey, what line of workare you in, son? it's kind of a long story.i grew up with my... - kirk's in aviation.- [mrs. mccleish] another pilot? - really?- oh, molly likes the flyboys. just like your mother. i flew choppersback in nam, saigon. evacuation,april '75, that was... he's been pushing mollyto take flying lessons. - after she passes the bar.- yeah. flying!
- [laughing]- hey, now here's a pilot!how are ya?! - you son of a bitch!- boy, good to see you! good to see you.lucille, don't you look lovely. - hello, cam.- what? - kirky!- i didn't thinkyou were gonna be here. you bet. you know,ger and lucille invited me. - what a pleasant surprise!- target acquired. - cam... how's it going?- mol. have you seen katie?let's go see katie.
- ok. i'm... see you down there.- good to see you again, kid. nice to see you... sir.i'll see you down there. [♪ black kids: i've underestimated my charms (again)] ♪ i get angst in my pants ♪ [cam] mind if i join you? so, uh, molly just explainedall about you two, and i gotta admiti feel like a jackass. don't worry about it, man... it's all good.i thought you were gay, too.
- just joking. i'm just joking.- you are funny. - thank you.- all right, then... take good care of her.she's a special girl. - yeah, she's perfect.- oh, yeah, about that... don't really call her that.she doesn't like it. and, besides, she's notexactly perfect anyway, right? what do you mean? all right, listen. don't let itcreep you out, ok?
i mean, the first timei saw her little defect... woof! i'll admitit gave me the willies. but it might notbother you. who knows? all right? and even if it does,just try to be cool, you know, and you'll get used to it,all right? good luck. no, no, no, no,wait, wait, wait, wait. please, this is...this is very important. uh... - birth defect? what is it?- i can't tell you that, man. somethin' you're gonnahave to figure out for yourself.
i'm out. interesting. [door unlocking] - ok, your turn.- yeah. oh, shit. i haven't really beenhittin' the gym as muchas i should lately. it's ok. holy moses. [molly] oh!
- interesting.- what, what? what? nothing. nothing. what's wrong? it's been a while and i'm notvery experienced, uh, sex-wise. - kirk, please.your balls are shaved.- oh, i know. i know. it's a new thing i'm trying out.it's a bad idea. it's... i feel like i'm eleven. what if i show you somethingi'm self-conscious about? - oh, that would be amazing.- ok.
- promise me you won't laugh.- no, i, i... i promise. what am i looking at? that's it? - that's your big defect?- webbed toes is not a defect! yeah, no shitwebbed toes is not a defect! i was expecting somekind of pulsating growth or a cluster of lumps... ...or like a little dick that,i don't know, talked. this is what...
all you got is it's inconvenientfor you to wear flip-flops? who told youi have a defect? cam? well, yeah.and as far as i can tell that's the only thingseparating you from perfect. you think i'm too perfect? so you were hoping there wassomething wrong with me - so you could be with me.- look at the evidence, molly. it's... i'm unattractive,i'm out of shape,i'm uncoordinated,
i've never been to europe, i'm not a college graduate,i drive a neon... [chuckles]i like your neon. oh, god, come on,molly, look at me. i'm a five.this is a five. hard five. you can't jump morethan two points. it's the tao of love.everybody knows that. even if you were a nine,and i was in a band, - but no, you're a hard ten.- what are you talking about?
[stammers] do you even knowhow hot you are? no, you probably think thateverybody gets free shiteverywhere they go, and everybody's happyand nice to each otherin shiny, happy hot town, with you and all your hotfriends and ex-boyfriends, but i hate tobreak it to you, it's not the samefor the rest of us. ok, kirk. you clearly havesome major self-esteem issues. you lied about me to yourparents right in front of me!
- no, i didn't!- "kirk's in aviation?" that's like saying the guy who shovels elephant shitat the circus is in show business. no,he's just the elephant shit guy. that's me. i'm that guy. i'm never gonna be a pilot.and i am happy with that. and i'm fine with that, too. and i was fine with you up untilabout three minutes ago. that's... i'm so gladthat you were "fine" with me.
you know what? maybe you'reright. maybe you are a five. you know why?no self-esteem, deduct a point. every time someonewalks into a room you compare yourself to them,deduct a point. you're a smart and talented guywho's afraid to doanything with it, deduct a point.how are we doing? oh, yeah. hoping that i have a defectthat you can work with? deduct whatever's left.
i'm outta here.webbed fucking feet.are you kidding me? - kirk!- hey, do me a favor. - tell foot long i said hi.- he's my ex-boyfriend,kirk. ex! - know why we broke up?- because you guyscouldn't decide - which one of you was hotter?- no. because he behaved exactly like you'rebehaving right now.he couldn't handle it. he thought i was perfect,he had me on a pedestal that i couldn't possiblylive up to! oh, and one other little thing?he cheated on me.
after that i said to myself, "i'm not gonna date guyslike that anymore." wait... "guys like that?"so, what, you're just... - you were gonnadate guys like me?- that what you wanna hear? that i asked you out'cause you're safe? yeah, keep goin'. that i thought that a guywho looks like youwouldn't hurt me? is that what you want to hear,kirk? are you happy now? [♪ newton faulkner: dream catch me]
yeah, i'm ecstatic. ♪ every time ♪ - [door opens]- kirk! - [sighs]- ♪ it's you ♪ ♪ and i know now ♪ ♪ who i am ♪ ♪ there's a place i go when i'm alone ♪ fuck. ♪ hold it close won't let this go ♪
♪ dream, catch me, yeah ♪ ♪ dream, catch me when i fall ♪ ♪ or, else, i won't come back at all ♪ [man] six-delta-bravo, flight cleared to land, runway two-two. ♪ your kiss is on my lips because... ♪ - "list." it's "list."- no, it's not. it's "lips." - [stainer] it's "list."- "your kiss is on my lips." why'd it be "list?" "it's on my listof the best things in life."
- hey.- oh, hey, kirk. where have you been?here. tune it. oh, shit. so you're all"branson bound," huh? yeah. they weremarnie's idea. ok, kirky, let's go. - ok, i'll see you guys later.- [stainer] relax. the branson flight'snot for another 45 minutes. i could just meet youdown at the gate. [mrs. kettner] everybodytogether? got everything?
- [mr. kettner] yeah.- [dylan] i'm comin'. wow, so you'rereally back with marnie. hey, fellas. hand it over. no liquidsover three-point-four ounces. good call. hey, pirate,can you spot me a 20? i want to get one of thosescented neck pillows. [kirk] yeah.yeah, yeah, of course. - here you go.- thanks, bro. yeah, you got it.
are you kidding me? this might seem crazy,but he and i actually have - a lot in common,so... oh, fuck!- sorry. you don't have anythingin common with those people. look at me. you ok? do you think i reallywant to be branson bound? i don't. the whole time you told mei wasn't good enough,you were right. so this is my life. i gotta go.
marnie's waiting for me. - see ya, guys.- yeah. - see you later, kirky.- see you. hmm. goddamn it. tina jordan. here. [woman] that's a large coke,a fry and some ketchup... - mary j. blige!- hey, wendell. i need to know, right now,why it didn't work out with us.
- i have customers.- this is important, ok? this is important.i was good to you, right? i mean, i was sensitive. remember when you got the flu?i didn't party that weekend. remember?remember the leg massages? remember when i used to run myhand down your back? like that? remember when i nursedthat baby bird to health? little timothy? huh? he died. christ on a corndog.tammy, can you cover for me?
- yeah, sure.- thanks, tammy. [tammy] whatever, wendell.can i help the next personin line, please? i really liked you,but all that stuff about i'm a ten and you're only a six? - seven.- fine. but you were all upin my beeswax checking to seeif i was gonna dump you. but you did dump me! why don't you just admit i wasnever good enough for you?
wendell, you wereplenty good enough for me. you were just nevergood enough for you. i'm gonna need somegravy fries when i get back. would you put yourseat forward, please? - tom fuckin' wopat, bro.told you.- tray table. - kirky, look atdavid archuleta.- [woman] can i help you? [stainer]tsa. excuse me. - [woman] you have no authority.- you better believe i do. all right, everybody, listen up!tsa! i apologize.
this guy's drunk as fuck. he shit his pants.it's very embarrassing. we have to get him off. i'llhave to have you come with me. jesus christ.what are you doin'? i was wrong aboutyou and molly. we gotta fix it. just act drunk.thank you. tsa. come on. believe it or not,this has nothin' to do with you. - [man] sir!- it's not about me. i'm gonna have to ask youto exit the aircraft.
i'm gonna have to ask youto exit my personal space. - [kirk] stainer!- fuck off! sorry, that's yours. you're gonna get arrested by thedepartment of homeland security. they're gonna send youto guantanamo bay. yeah. i like cuba.i like mojitos. you don't wanna goto branson with a-holes! - he call us a-holes?- look at them.that one's pregnant. - that guy's got hairin the front.- dude... sweetheart,remember the baby.
- i'm doin' this for the baby.- don't be a hero! - how's this work?seat belt person!- stop. we have a... they are my family.and i'm with marnie now. marnie is an evil bitch.all due respect. kirk! hit him! - at least say something.- [man] let's go. ok. i was right about molly.she's a ten, ok? a hard ten. - my god.- i was wrong about you.you're a ten. - you can't settle for a three.- two.
- arguably a two.- come on, let's go. you're the best guy i know.i won't let you end upwith her. you're a ten! - [man] come on.- listen! you're a ten! you're a ten!kirk, don't do it! i'm not going!i'm not going! - ok, this is not good.- all right, i'm going. whatever. [woman] last call for flight four-four-three. - damn it!- last call for flight four-four-three.
[cell phone ringing] - hello?- [stainer] hey, patty. - who is this?- stainer. don't hang up. how the fuckdid you get my number? - tsa. moving on...- no, no, no. let's not move on. this better not be whereyou ask me out because youconfused my hatred for you for some kind of flirtation.i thought i made myself clear. no, no, no, you were clear.we're good. - 'cause i genuinelyhate you also.- oh, cool.
cool. and we're back to talking. all right. so, kirk is leavingon a plane with another girl. now, i tried to get him off,but they threw me off the plane! stainer, your screw-upis not my problem. no, we both screwed up.we told them thatit wasn't gonna work. they believed us. so now,unfortunately, i need your help. hello? patty? goddamn it, you fucking hung up on me! - ok, i'll see what i can do.- thank you. [screams]sorry.
[man] i have a ground x-ray one radio check. taxi to one-two. [man #2] eastwest four-three, you're cleared for taxi to runway two-seven. so, we are seeing thedave coulier tomorrow night, and on saturday we're gonna seeboth of the elvis tributes, - and then on s...- no. - excuse me?- no, no, no. stainer was right. [man] flight attendants, prepare for departure. - stainer was right.- what are you doing? kirk! yeah, i'm not goingto branson with you people.
you are my familyand i love you, but really, with the exception of mom, you're all a bunchof bloodsucking vampires who never support anything i do. i'm going to go find molly andshow her that i am good enough. so fuck you, debbie. fuck you, dylan.fuck you, dad. fuck you... businessman.i'm sorry. and, most of all,fuck you, marnie.
you never deserved mein the first place, you evil little dwarf. so fuck you all! yep. sir. you need to take your seat.we're pushing back. don't know if youjust heard my speech, but i need toget off this plane. if i reopenthat cabin door, that's a 25,000 dollarfine for you. twenty-five...?
what do you want to do? is there another seati could take? we're full. now,take your seat and buckle up. yep. ok. gonna be a long flight,eh, pirate? what's going on?what's the emergency? - molly, how are you doing?- fine. no, i'm actually asking you.how are you doing? - you have photo id, right?- well, yeah.
- where are we going?- just buckle up! [man] we should be on our way shortly, so just sit back, relax and... [woman] the white zone is for immediate loading and unloading... you're gonna tell mewhat's going on? in ten minutes, kirkis leaving on a planefor branson with a horrible, - horrible girl.- marnie? - yes. let's go.- if kirk'sgetting back together with marnie, i'm not going!
in fourth grade,i peed in my pants. on several occasions. everybodystarted calling me stainer. know how i made it throughthose dark days? - plastic underwear?- in part. but also kirk. you see,he told me to own that name. call myself stainer,so that nobody could hurt me. - what's your point?- kirk's the best guy i know. but he's like...he's like a spider. you know? he's more afraidof you than you are of him.
and he also,he has long legs and... look. if you want him,you gotta go get him. - we're moving.where is the package?- it's here. ok, we couldn'tget him off the plane, - so we've gotta get you on.- oh, thank you, stainer! this is so exciting. yes! oh, shit. follow me. - excuse me!- hey! - come on!- boarding passes and ids out.
- let's keep it moving!- one second. whoa, whoa!what the hell are you doing? putting her on a plane,that's what. well, unless she has a firstclass ticket, back of the line. fuller,you have a choice. you can step asideor you can fight me. if that's how you want to go,i warn you, i will go dark side. ok? i will rip out your hair,i'll bite your chin off, and i will stab you in the eyeswith confiscated scissors.
'cause i am aninsane motherfucker! you know that from the breakroom! what's it gonna be?! [molly] yes! [man] please check your seat belts. we're preparing for departure. branson! they've gone. we missed it. no, no, no.no. no, this is not... this is supposed to happen.this isn't how this works.
- yeah? talk to jack.- stop the plane. dude, done and done. yeah,that's how we roll. oh, come here, beautiful.time to go to work. [man] ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. we got some kinda light on up here. some kind of mechanical problem. anyway, we're gonna have to deplane. - [passengers groan]- man! what's "deplane" mean? come on, jack.come on.
come on, jack! - [molly shrieks]- that's it! yeah.let's go, let's go. look, kirk, i do not knowwhat's gotten into you, but i just want to sayi forgive you and we are going to go to branson,and we are going to enjoy it! ok, you got something offyour chest, and that is fine. and it's over now. we are gonnapretend that it never happened. why are youwalking so fast? kirk! we're solid, baby!
we're... oh, that is it. - that is it! motherfucker!- excuse me. sorry. - sorry. excuse me. i'm sorry.- i will catch you, kirk! - no...- i will catch you! - excuse me.- i'm faster than you! sorry. i will catch you if it'sthe last thing that i do... [♪ jet: cold hard bitch] ♪ gotta leave town got another appointment ♪
- ♪ spent all my rent ♪- [cell phone ringing] - who is it?- it's kirk.kirk, where are you? stainer, you were right, buddy. i just got off the plane.i'm gonna go find molly. that's great, except we'reright here. i'm with molly. - what?!- we came to find you. we're at the gate! turn around, we're here. all right, i'm comin' to you.comin' to you! excuse me! sorry, sorry!oh, my god. oh, my god.
- [screaming]- oh, god. ♪ cold hard bitch just a kiss on the lips ♪ - [groans]- [horn honks] hey, wait! cart, wait! ♪ cold hard bitch ♪ - ♪ she was shakin' her hips ♪ - [man] what the hell? ♪ that's all that i need ♪ - oh, my god!- go! - [shouting]- hey!
would you stop it?! i think we should seeother people! oh, jesus,mary and joseph. - you ok?- yeah. - what are you doin' here?- it was pattyand stainer's idea. i, i, i just, uh... i just knew thati had to come find you. - i nearly...- kirk, shut up. let me speak. that's a good idea.
you are out of shape. - it's true.- yeah, i know. not what i thoughtyou were gonna say. you're uncoordinated. you're not a college graduate,you've never been to europe, and your carreally is a shitbox. - that's good.- you were right. i did ask you out because i thought you'd besafe and i wouldn't get hurt.
and, yes,i lied to my parents because i was worriedwhat they'd think. i'm sorry. but i'm here to tell youthat i don't careif you want to be a pilot, a tsa agent or shovelelephant shit at the circus. because i missed you. and i just want usto be together. - jesus...- you really havingto think about this? - shut up, patty.- you shut up!
i don't remember what thespecific question was, but,uh... - i do.- you do? - i will.- you will? i missed you. guys, this is... it's a tale as old as time,you know? song as old as rhyme. [whispering] think she'sstill not wearin' underwear? - just stop it.- i heard you. [♪ james morrison: undiscovered]
[molly] seriously, tell me where we're going! - [kirk] nope.- why won't you tell me? you won't show me the tickets.i'm gonna find out. - just trust me, ok?- oh, you're so annoying! ah, thar she blows! ♪ you bite your tongue you don't know why ♪ ok, that is notnearly big enough. ♪ but in my head i'm close to you ♪ ♪ we're in the rain still searching for the sun ♪
- what the hell are you doing?- [chuckling] i've been takinga few lessons lately. - that's what you've been up to?- yep. oh, i should ask you, did youpack your bags yourself? - yes, i did.- all right, good. everything seems to be in order.you ever been to san francisco? - yes.- good, 'causewe're going to cleveland. [kirk] pittsburgh tower, november-five-four -five-charlie-papa, requesting takeoff clearance on runway two-niner.
[man] five-charlie-papa, you are cleared for takeoff. ♪ i'm not lost i'm not lost ♪ ♪ just undiscovered ♪ ♪ and when we're alone we are all the same as each other ♪ ♪ you see the look that's on my face ♪ ♪ you might think that i'm out of place ♪ ♪ i'm not lost, no, no ♪ ♪ i'm not running ♪ ♪ i'm not hiding ♪
♪ if you dig a little deeper you will find me ♪ ♪ i'm not lost not lost ♪ ♪ undiscovered ♪ ♪ and when we're alone we're all the same as each other ♪ ♪ no, we're the same ♪ ♪ not lost not lost ♪ ♪ don't you know that's what we all are ♪ ♪ we're the same as each other ♪ ♪ we all we're the same ♪
♪ i'm not lost, no ♪
