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(silence) >> announcer: ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your hometown girl, anjelah johnson. (applause) (applause continues) >> johnson: san jose, what's up? whoo! look at us.
we're really doing it. san jose, that's right. my hometown. mm-hmm. that's right. we got more than the sharks. (laughter) we got a little mexican girl. mm-hmm. let's see, what alumni do we
have here tonight? lincoln high? any lincoln high? whoo-whoo! yeah, i went there. how about, uh, gunderson high? any gunderson high? all right, i went there, too. how about, uh, liberty
independent studies? liber... no? just me? and my mom? all right, that's cool. my dad's here tonight. give it up for my dad. he's in the house. my daddy-o.
my dad's so cool. i'm gonna tell you a little bit about my dad. my dad is like mr. cool guy, like life of the party, you know what i mean? like, super athletic, like, really into sports. like, my dad's the kind of guy
who watches a boxing match on tv as if he is in the boxing match on tv. you know what i mean? like, he'll watch it like this. (blowing) say, "whoa, dad, are you winning?" he got us involved in sports
when we were younger, but not like the legit way. only if it was free to sign up and you got a free t-shirt to play. 'cause if you had to pay for a uniform, forget it. you can't be on that team. for instance, i ran track and
field growing up, but i wasn't on a track team. my dad would just take me to the track meets on saturday morning and sign me up. i was the only one with my number on binder paper. it would look like this. lane one, lincoln high school,
blue and gold. lane two, gunderson high school, brown and gold. lane three, anjelah... in some jeans, a t-shirt and a pair of flip-flops. i didn't know what i was doing. i wasn't trained properly. everybody else is lined up in
their professional, like, "i'm a runner; this is how you start" position, except for me 'cause i was up there like this. everybody on the side is telling me, like, "get down. get down in the position." i'm like, "why? why am i gonna get down?
i got to get back up to start running." sure enough, the race starts, the gun goes off. everybody takes off running except for me. i'm hiding. i thought it was a drive-by. i don't know what's happening. i was really into wrestling
growing up. w.w.f. right? before it was w.w.e. you know, i mean like some old- school wrestling. like some hacksaw jim duggan, ultimate warrior, rowdy roddy piper, million dollar man, tugboat, earthquake, demolition,
bushwacker. (cheering) i was seven years old, into wrestling, right? you know when a kid does something good in school, you give them, like, a toy or a prize or something, right? well, i'm seven.
i got good grades one time. and my dad surprised me with tickets to go see w.w.f. at the arena. it was the best day in all the seven years i had lived up to that point. it was so cool. me and my sister and my dad went
to the arena. my mom painted our faces like legion of doom. we walked into that arena like we were legion of doom. like they're gonna tag team us in accidentally. you know, the wrestlers come out, right, and they run to the
ring, and everybody's trying to get a high five from the wrestler. well, i'm the littlest one trying to get a high five, talking about, "hacksaw jim duggan! hacksaw jim duggan! right here, right here! right here!"
but he didn't see me. then a wrestler came out that i didn't like, so i yelled at him. i said, "you suck!" which is fine but not when you're seven. you can't say "suck." that's a cussword, right? like-like, that's like when
you're a kid, there are some songs on the radio that you're not allowed to sing that song, right? like, when i was young, i used to sing this song. ♪ oh, me so hungry. oh, oh, me so hungry. ♪ ♪ me hungry long time. ♪
there's just some things you can't say when you're seven. now, my little brother, he's starting to get into that, like, m.m.a. fighting, right? but, see, i'm not a big fan of that. well, i'm not a fan of my brother doing that, right?
and he's like mr. macho guy. like, muscles, tattoos everywhere. like, all he does is train to fight, work out at the gym, and take pictures of himself for facebook. right, like mr. macho guy. but, really, if you knew my
brother, he's the most sensitive guy you will ever meet. he is. like, he's the first to cry at an allstate commercial. he cannot take constructive criticism. and he still sleeps with a teddy bear.
yeah, and not even like a little one that you can hide somewhere. like, a full-on "i won this at the county fair and now i'm gonna sleep with it." and he's had it for years, since he was a kid, right? so it's filthy. like, it's disgusting, and one
day my mom washed it. she put it in the washing machine, and my brother came home, and he's like, "mom, where's my bear?" "where is my bear?" "i washed it." "you what? in the machine?
well, does he still have his nose?" "uh, no, i think your bear tapped out. sorry. you're an adult. stop sleeping with bears. and move out." i got a lot of good childhood
memories growing up, but now i'm moving on to that next phase in my life. i just got married recently. thank you. yeah. i know, i didn't mean to blind y'all. sorry. i know it's real sparkly.
huh. don't be fooled by the rocks that i got. i'm still angie from the block. kick it. when i first started telling people that i got married, like, a lot of people were surprised. they were like, "what?
oh, my god. i didn't even... i thought you were a lesbian." surprise! ponytail's 'cause i'm lazy, not a lesbian. but thank you for coming. thank you for coming. one time this girl tried to hit on me, right?
and it started becoming like a regular thing, so i asked her. i was like, "uh, let me ask you a question. what is it about me that makes you think that i'm a lesbian?" and her honest-to-god answer was, "well, in your youtube video, you say that you like
your nails short, you don't have a boyfriend, and i noticed that you always wear your hair in a ponytail." so i guess that's all it takes to make the team. just that and drive a subaru. you want to be on our team, you got to roll in an outback.
or a vespa. or as i like to call them, "les-pas." everything about my wedding day was perfect, except for the fact that i got sick. (crowd groans) i know. it was my own fault, too,
'cause, uh, what had happened was... uh, i took too many supplements that day, and by supplements, i mean i took this multi-pack vitamin. it's like six different vitamins. i was on antibiotics from the
week before 'cause i was fighting something. then i got congested, so i took a decongestant pill, but then i got a headache, so i took, like, three advil. and, like, you can't put that much poison in your body and your body not try to get rid of
it, right? but, see, i wasn't thinking about that on my wedding day. i was just all excited. i started feeling a little sick so i took the whole aisle three at the pharmacy. and we decided to take pictures before the actual ceremony.
so i'm there, like, posing for my pictures, and then all of a sudden, it just hit me like... (exhales) (heavy breathing) "uh, i think i have to use the restroom." "no, wait a minute, never mind. false alarm."
but you know how it comes and goes? like, your body will give you that natural first warning, and it's up to you if you want to be obedient or not. like, you supposed to get the warning, and be like, "ooh, better start making my way
over." (audience laughing) like, that's what it's for. but, see, i tried to man up, i was like, no, no, no, i got this, go, go. take the picture, take the picture. so i'm posing for my picture
again, and then... i don't know if anybody here ever seen that movie bridesmaids? (audience laughs, applauds) you know that part where she go boo-boo in her dress? (audience laughs) well, i'm standing there posing
for my picture, and all of a sudden it hit me again. i was like, "ooh, that's not a warning!" and i had to recollect all my track and field training. (laughing) i had to run back to my hotel room.
my photographer had to help me jump out of my dress real fast. like, that's not in their job description. by the time i walked down the aisle, everybody just thought i was nervous 'cause my face is pale. i'm walking down the aisle like
this... "do you take this man to be your husband?" "yes, i do." "do you, really?" "what? yes, i do. he does, we all do, we all do." "you don't need me for the rest
of this, do you? i'll be in the back." oh, no, it was a beautiful day. you know, we had a great time. friends, family, it was a lot of fun. just take a couple imodium and you're all good. but if you take imodium, be
careful. 'cause you're good for, like, three days. you'll be like, okay, i'm ready. oh, that's too real? my bad. i thought we were a family. we went on our honeymoon in st. lucia.
and, uh, i had never even heard of st. lucia before i booked the trip; it just sounded real fancy. i was like, "ooh, st. lucia. book it." like, i thought it was gonna be these luxurious white sandy beaches and, like, beautiful
clear water. and we landed and it was actually kind of a little third world-y. felt more like a missions trip. thought we were gonna build a well before we left. but it was nice. and people ask me, like,
"who's your husband? who is this guy? tell us about him," right? well, it's actually kind of funny, 'cause i used to do a joke-- on my first dvd-- where i talked about christian rap music and christian rappers. how, like, it's so cheesy.
like, what you gonna do, bust a cap in the devil? like, what? right, like, what's your name? ludachrist? comin' to the stage, jay-zesus. what's...? right, like, so cheesy. so of course, the person who i'd
end up marrying is a christian rapper. (johnson chuckles nervously) yeah, joke's on me. oh, you're funny, jesus. when we first started dating, i was kind of embarrassed to tell my friends and my family, 'cause, like, i knew i had the
joke. i knew they knew i had the joke. so i was trying to avoid it. then my cousin joe, he's like, "who is this guy? what does he do?" i was like, "oh, um... he's in a band." "cool.
what does he play?" "uh... play, play, play, play, play... um, i don't really know if he's athletic or not, i..." "no, instrument." "oh, instru... pfft, you said 'play,' that can mean like 20 things."
"um, he plays the lyricist." "yeah, it's new. you probably never heard of that one." people say my husband looks like lenny kravitz. (women whooping, cheering) yeah. i'll take it. right?
well, white people will say he looks like lenny kravitz. black people say he looks like maxwell, so... (audience laughs loudly) (cheers) it just depends on what neighborhood you're from. any black guy with an afro-- he
look like him probably. but funny thing is, he's not even black. he's puerto rican. oh. there some puerto ricans in san jose? (audience cheering) shoot, since when?
(laughs) that was a long trek. people who are not latino sometimes think that all latinos are the same, right? but we're very different. and, uh, you don't realize how different mexicans are from puerto ricans until you sign up
to marry one. very different. very... even the little things, right? like, i'm mexican. i like spicy food. okay? i eat salsa with everything. (audience whoops)
know what i'm saying? like, if you don't got salsa for your food, probably don't even eat it. you know what i'm saying? just get a smoothie. seriously. like, you go to your friend's house for dinner.
you're like, "oh, you ain't got no salsa? i'll be back, i'm gonna go to jamba juice real quick." and my husband, he's puerto rican. he can't do spicy food. like, if you sprinkle a little bit of pepper in his food, he's
gonna flip out. "babe, is this spicy? you put spice in this? you put your mexican stuff in this?" i'm like, "it's pepper. you can't handle pepper?" (woman whoops) my family calls me mija.
his family calls me mamã. little differences. the spanish is so different. the way mexicans speak spanish, the way puerto ricans speak spanish is very different. and like, i live in l.a. now. so that's like northern mexico. so that's the only kind of
spanish that i hear, right? and then puerto ricans, y'all are from florida, i think... so when i first flew to florida to meet his mom, she started speaking to me in spanish. and i was like, "oh, sorry. i don't speak puerto rican." "yeah.
i don't know what that means." like, it just sounds different. like, to me, when i hear a puerto rican speak spanish, it sounds like they have water in their mouth. and they don't want it to spill. like... (gurgling): "â¿hola, como
estã¡s...?" (applauding) (speaking garbled spanish) it just sounds different. i mean, i'm not really one to be talking, 'cause i don't even speak spanish, so... my last name is johnson; what do you want me to do?
and my husband and i decided we don't want any kids, right? we're like, no, no kids. i know, it's very un-mexican of me. and i take it over the top, too. like, if i see a pregnant girl walking towards me, i'm like, "oh, no, no, no, no, no."
like i don't want her pregnant vibes to jump on me. if one sneaks past me and i missed her, i catch her at the last second, i'll hold my breath like... (gasps) whew! close one.
no, thank you. we got enough nieces, nephews, cousins, godkids... i got a lot of godkids. i don't know if it's a mexican thing to double up on your godkids? but i got a lot. i got goddogs...
(audience whoops, laughs) i got two goddogs. one's a maltese-poodle, one's maltese-shih tzu. i have, uh, two goddaughters. they're half italian, half filipino. i have a godson. he's half puerto rican,
so basically, if you want to be one of my godkids, you gotta be either maltese or filipino. (audience laughs, whoops) that's how you make my team. where the filipinos at? filipinos? (audience cheers) (anjelah cheers)
yeah, filipino, oh... i think i gravitate towards filipinos 'cause we're very similar. mexicans, filipinos are very like, we have big families, y'all have big families. we live at the same house, y'all live at the same house.
very similar. one of my good friends, she's filipino, right? and, uh, one day her grandma was driving, and she probably shouldn't have been, but... she was. and, uh, you may think you know where i'm going with the joke,
but you don't, so just wait for it. so her little filipino grandma, she's driving. and all of a sudden, she hit a dog. (audience exclaims) i know, it was really sad. but her response to that was,
"ai! sorry, dog." so at least she apologized. and now i just use that in everyday life. like, if i trip over something, i'm like, "ai. sorry, dog." "ai! ai-yah, ai!" i feel like all my filipino friends are real jumpy.
like, they get scared real easily. like my friend penny, she's filipino. she gets scared of everything. you don't have to do anything scary, just walk around the corner unannounced. (speaking filipino)
"you scare me, hah? ai! ai-yah, ai." filipinos go through like ten different scared facial expressions. "ai! ai-yah, ai. yah, ai-yah, ai, yah." (applause, cheering) one time i was at the mall
at, like, orange julius or something, and there was a little filipino lady working the register, right? and she went to hand me my receipt, but it drops, so she goes, "ai! ah-ha-ah-ha-ah!" "just a receipt. i got it." yeah, so we don't want no kids.
and my husband and i, we're still real new, right? like, we just got married last summer. we had just moved in together, so we're still, like, figuring each other out, right? like, our little things we do, our little "rules" we have,
like, for instance, like my toothbrush, right? i like to be the only one that uses my toothbrush! this guy, i don't know how he grew up. like, maybe they were on a budget or something. but, like, he come to me the
other day, he's like, "hey, babe, can i use your toothbrush real quick?" i said, "what? like, that's a option for you? like, you're thinking about it? sick!" he's like, "what? it's just like kissing.
we kiss. it the same thing." "hmm, i do not scrape off your tartar with my tongue." i mean, i know i'm pretty amazing, but i'm almost positive i cannot prevent cavities. my husband likes to leave his shoes right in the middle of a walkway.
like, as soon as you open the door-- boom-- shoes. like, you couldn't kick 'em off to the side? that was hard to do? so all throughout the house i just trip over shoes, like... "ai! ai-yah, ai, yah." and we're still real new, so,
like, i still try to look cute when i sleep. (chuckles) i'll probably grow out of that one real quick. but right now i still try to look cute, right? but it's kind of hard because i sleep with invisalign trays in my mouth.
so sometimes when i wake up, my lip will get stuck to the plastic tray. i wake up looking like fire marshal bill. like, full on, "let me show you shumthing!" my face will be all greasy. that's not cute.
so when i feel myself starting to wake up, like, i'll fix my lip real quick. i put my grease on my lip like it's gloss. make it work. and we're pretty good with decision making, right? like, he'll come to me
with stuff. i'll come to him with stuff. like teamwork, you know? but every now and then he'll try to go off and do his own thing. like recently we just bought some curtains for the house. and i told him, i said, "when you're at the store, take a
picture of 'em and send it to me before you buy it, right?" but he forgot that part. so i came home to these gaudy armenian curtains hanging in my house that are, like, two feet too short. i got high-water curtains. like, first thing, my brother
came over to the house, he's like, "uh, why you got capri pant curtains?" my husband and i travel a lot for work. he travels with music, i travel with jokes. and sometimes we'll go to, like, some small town, like, nobody
has ever heard of this town. like, these people haven't even heard of their own town. when you fly into a small town, you have to fly on a small plane. and i went to a town recently where the plane i was on, i don't even think it had
an engine. i'm pretty sure it was a paper plane. like, it just had two propellers out front. like, as you step onto the plane, you had to take turns spinning the propeller. like it's the price is right.
i checked my seat assignment. it said, "shotgun." they had one flight attendant. she was wearing regular clothes and a name tag. like real suspicious. and i fly a lot, so i'm used to the way things work on an airplane, right?
i'm used to the announcements they make, like, "flight attendants, prepare for landing." i'm used to hearing that kind of stuff, right? but on this plane, we got a different announcement. it sounded more like,
"stephanie, we're coming in." "stephanie? what's this, a family-owned plane?" "stephanie, if you have any more of that potato salad you made for the church picnic last week... you can bring it on up
to the cockpit. thank you." "potato salad?" "i don't feel safe." the thing that sucks about flying on a small plane is there's always gonna be turbulence, no matter what. like, if a bird is flying next to you and he sneeze...
you gonna dip. we landed at the smallest airport i've ever seen. they only had two doors: enter and a exit. so you're not gonna get lost at this airport. you're not gonna be like, "oh, no, what terminal am i in?!
oh, the only one." but every now and then they send us to some real cool places. like recently they sent me to honolulu, hawaii. yeah. yeah, that's what i said. i was, like, "whoo-hoo! yeah, i'll go. i'll go tell some jokes.
right here. right here. actually, i have a lot of family in hawaii. but i'm mexican, so i have family everywhere. except for arizona. (cheering, applause) one of my cousins in hawaii, he tried to teach me how
to surf, right? but, see, surfing and i do not go hand in hand, because when i get in the ocean, i only go up to about right here. so if we could catch a wave in this level, let's do this. right? 'cause this is how i'm thinking.
like, god forbid i need to be rescued for some reason. i want it to be as simple as one, two... gotcha. right? like, that's as deep as i go right here. like, i'll dunk, like, real quick, like, whoo! (makes whooshing sound)
i didn't even know there was multiple kinds of surfing. my cousin, he does kite surfing, regular surfing, all kind of surfing. i have come to realize there are two kind of people in hawaii: the kind that surf and japanese people.
i don't know if you ever been, but i got off the plane a little confused. i sure did. i was like... "uh, mr. pilot, i think we'd better round everybody up. went a little too far." and these are the kind of japanese people with money,
like, they wear all the name designer brands all at the same time. i saw this one girl wearing some gucci sandals, a prada shirt, a louis vuitton bag, and, like, a ed hardy blinged-out hat. all the name designers...
don't none of 'em match. really? how this girl get dressed in the morning? she must have walked in her closet, closed her eyes, and was like, "what to 'rare' today?" ta-da! or it's probably like, "ta-ra!"
after hawaii, we went to an island called guam. (light cheering) yeah, all right, chamorro in the building. hey! i see you. >> see you! >> johnson: yeah, i love that island.
it was beautiful. i had a great time on that island. my only complaint is, i got bit by a fish. didn't even know that was possible. 'cause, see, i was in the ocean, right?
right here. and my sister was like, "hey, look at that little fish." i took one step towards it... "where?" dish! it latched onto my foot and i was like... (gasps) "i just got bit by a fish. i just got bit by a fish."
and my sister's like, "ha-ha, no, you didn't." at this point no words are even coming out of my mouth now. it's just sounds. like... (screams) "ay-ay-ay-ee!" and she's just laughing, but then the whole left side of
my face started swelling up. not really, but in my mind. in my mind, bad things were were happening. when i'm not traveling around, telling jokes, i do live in los angeles doing some acting stuff. if any of you have kids, you
might have seen the movie alvin and the chipmunks: the squeakquel. yes. uh, for those of you that have not seen the movie, i'm actually in that one. that's why i brought it up. i don't just give random chipmunk shout-outs.
i'm really popular with three- year-olds. they're kind of my demographic. wish they could buy tickets to my shows. i met the most adorable fan recently. she was four years old at the mall with her mom, and, uh,
she was really brave. she walked right up to me and she goes, "i saw you in the chipmunks." i said, "you did?" and she goes, "do you see me sitting on my bed?" yeah, it was the cutest thing i had ever heard.
but i didn't know how to respond to that. i was like, "oh, shoot, what do i do-- tell her the truth and crush her dreams?" so, i was looking to her mom like, "what do i do-- tell her the truth or tell her a lie? what do i say?"
and her mom's like, "well, did you?" anybody here see the movie our family wedding? (applause, whooping) uh, for those of you that did not see the movie, i'm in that one, too. yeah, okay, i'll tell you the
preview, okay? and then you'll think about it, you'll go, "oh, yeah, i remember seeing that preview. i just didn't take it a step further." our family wedding is basically the story of the mexican family and the black family marry into
each other and all the crazy things that happen when the two cultures collide. we had a really great cast. we had america ferrera-- i play her sister. carlos mencia played our dad. uh, we had forest whitaker, regina king, lance gross, lupe
ontiveros-- the woman that kills selena in the movie selena. yeah, she played my grandma. i didn't know how i felt about it at first either. i had to remind myself it's just acting. she didn't really do it. don't look her in the eye.
don't turn your back. she's actually a really nice lady, but, uh, i had them move my trailer away from hers just in case. we had a half latino cast and a half black cast, right? we did what's called a press junket.
they set up one day where all these different tv shows come and they interview you to promote the movie that you're in, right? so they're like, "okay, latino cast, you guys can do all the spanish interviews." i was like, "ah, okay,
that's cool. um, i don't speak spanish. my last name is johnson-- might as well put me in the black interview." "oh, no, no, no, it's okay, it's fine. it's fine. we'll just do it like this.
we'll have the interviewer ask the question in spanish to the camera, then he'll ask it in english to you and we'll just cut that part out and put, like, a spanish voice over you." that was their solution. to do interviews all day like a kung fu movie.
every now and then, they would give me something in spanish to say to the camera like, "hola, soy anjelah johnson..." (speaking spanish) "...our family wedding." and, like, i would sound good, right, like i knew what i was talking about.
so, at one point, this interview guy was like, "you can do the interview in spanish." "uh, no. no, i can't. (laughs) i mean, i can say that because you just told me how to say it, but i'm not gonna understand you, so this will go nowhere."
"let's just try." let's just try? i've been trying since i was 12. the first question he asked me-- this is what it sounded like to me. (rolling tongue rapidly) "uh, carlos mencia..." and this is my response to him.
"okay, let's do english, let's do english." "yeah, boo, english, that's what i said. i'm only on level two of my rosetta stone. despacio." but i felt bad after, i was like, "okay, sir, fine.
let's just find a happy medium, all right? how about i will do the interview in broken english? that way people think that i speak spanish. right? let's, let's just do that. what-what's the next question?
what was it like working with america ferrera? okay, all right. here? okay." (clears throat) "when i finding out..." "...that i gonna working with... america ferrera, i is so excited."
(loud applause, whooping) "i is so excited porque i love ugly betties. i loving betty la fea y ugly betty. all the betties. and when they calling me-- this a good story, you gonna like this one. mira, i don't telling this
one to everybody usually, but i like you. mira, mira, mira." "este..." "when they calling me and they say you gonna work with america ferrera, (clicks tongue) i say,
'oh, my god! oh, my god, are you kidding me? you are not kidding me? ay-ay-ay.' i can't believing they picking me." i don't think they liked that one very much. pretty sure it got cut out.
we, uh, filmed the movie in los angeles, and then they flew us out to new york for the world premiere, and that was real nice, real fancy pants. they put us up in this, like, swanky hotel suite and i roll ghetto fabulous-- i brought my brothers with me, my cousins,
you know what i'm saying? i'm like, "hey, they putting us up, y'all. but get your own flight." they kept us out there for about a week, and the day we're flying back to l.a., a huge storm hit new york. and then we checked out of the
swanky hotel suite. i'm at the airport, i have my boarding pass in my hand. they're like, "sorry, you guys, we're not gonna be able to take off-- this storm is really bad. as a matter of fact, every single flight out of new york is canceled.
you're gonna have to get a hotel and stay the night." and i was like, "oh, uh, yeah, i don't think that's gonna work." 'cause i already checked out of the swanky hotel suite. and now i'm on my own budget. and when i'm on my own budget, i live life a little differently.
yeah, i didn't go back to that i went to la quinta inn in queens. keep it real, hold it down, remember where you came from. i have no shame. i had my brother with me, and not my muscle mma brother, but my other brother that does my
hair. now, he real cute. but don't get it twisted, he'll still fight. he just fights a little differently. like, my mma brother, if he's gonna fight you, you know you're about to fight 'cause he's gonna
come at you straight on like, yeah, we're about to do this. boom, boom, boom and, like, take you down, right? and then, like, my other brother that does my hair, if he's gonna fight you, he's gonna come at you, like, out of nowhere. just like, "pat!"
and he's gonna cock it all the way back. just, out of nowhere, like, "pat!" "let's go." and when i was in new york, i met this guy that i'm pretty sure hates women. or he's just mad at us right
now. 'cause, like, he came up to me out of the blue and was like, "uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. no offense, but i don't think female comedians are funny." i was like, "oh, (laughs) pat!" i was like, "oh, um, okay. that's cool.
you do you, homie." and i think he got mad that i didn't get mad, 'cause then he went on to say, "yeah, 'cause, like, even when i'm playing video games, i don't pick none of the girl characters 'cause they just not as good." (audience groans)
i'm pretty sure we're not even talking about stand-up comedy any more. and, like, i'm not a big gamer, you know? like, i don't own any of the consoles. like, i had the old original nintendo back in the day, right?
(whooping) when all you needed was up, down, left, right, a, b, start, select. you know what i'm saying, like, i learned how to duck hunt. and i would cheat, too. walk right up to the screen, like, boom.
boom, boom. boom-- well, who gonna stop me? if that little dog would laugh at me, i'd shoot him, too. boom. i was running track on that little mat thing that came with it-- remember that little mat? doing hurdles.
that's where i got my training. if something was broke, all you had to do to fix it was blow on boom, fix. (clicks tongue) ladies, you ever wake up in the morning and, uh, you do your hair and your makeup, and then you look in the mirror and
you're like, "hmm. that's not what i meant to do"? like, your hair came out wrong, you did your makeup all weird for some reason. you're like, "since when do i wear pink eye shadow and glitter at 10:00 a.m.?" you try to fix it by putting
more and more makeup on your face, so by the end, you just look like a drag queen. or one of the girls that works at mac makeup. and you're running late to work, so you can't take it all off and start over. you're like, "oh, well, i guess
i'm going to work as lady gaga today." you're like, "whatever, i was born this way." you get to work, you're like, "hey, guys, hi, how's it going? i was just practicing..." "...my nighttime look... in the daytime.
so i could see it better." i don't even know how i learned how to do my own makeup because my mom trained me to be a chola. she did. 'cause, ladies, you know how, when you're first allowed to wear makeup, your mom would give you, like, your first lipstick
or your first blush? my mom gave me a brown lip liner and some chapstick. and one can of aqua net. that is a chola starter kit. and this is how you know if you're talking to a chola or not. like, if you're not quite sure.
like, she kind of has the sharpie eyebrows, but you're in los gatos, so that doesn't make no sense. like, if you're talking to a girl and she sounds like this, like, (scoffs) "you don't even know. (scoffs) you don't even know."
like, no matter what you're "hey, is it cold outside?" (scoffs) "you don't even know." it's like the more uneducated you sound, the more chola you are. that's why there's always some chola on the radio, trying to get you to go back to community
college. "yeah, what's up? are you like me and dropped out of high school and got your g.e.d.?" (laughter, applause) "well, come to san jose city community junior evergreen college, where we have nighttime
classes and weekend classes if you don't got no babysitter." "all you got to do is call 1-800-123-456-78910." right, 'cause nobody educated talks like that. you don't go to your doctor, and your doctor's like, "yeah, i think it's like a rash maybe.
(scoffs) but i don't even know." "and you know how you had a stomachache you thought was, like, real bad cramps? girl, it is not what you think. pero it's a boy." this next story i want to share with you guys i like to refer to as "dinner with a random thug in
south central." yeah, um, for those of you who are not familiar with south central, south central's a place that you drive through, not drive to. maybe if it's the daytime and you're wearing neutral colors, then maybe,
but at 10:00 at night by yourself with a banana clip in your hair, probably not a good idea. my favorite taco spot is right in the middle of south central, and one night i was driving home, and i was like, "you know what, i want a taco.
i know it's late and it's dark, but i'm a grown adult, and i want a taco." so i start driving to this taco spot, well aware that this could be my last meal. but these tacos are good. and this isn't your normal, walk up to the window, order your
food kind of place. all of the windows are bulletproof. you have to push a button to buzz the door open to get inside. you order your food through a glass window. they put it on a tray and push
it out to you. it's like you're in prison, but you don't know if you're the guard or the prisoner. so i'm walking up, right? i see this one mean-looking thug sitting out front. like, he look mean. he had a scar from here to here.
he was wearing a wife beater, some sweats and some house shoes. you know those corduroy house shoes? this fool had his house shoes on in the outside the house. i see this guy. he looks at me.
then he looks at my car and then back to me and then back to my car. i'm like, "oh, no, he's gonna rob me. jesus, i just wanted a taco." so i get all scared, right? i'm like, "oh, shoot, what do i do? what do i do?
i can't just stop, run back to my car, and leave. that's racist." so i'm like, "shoot, just act tough, right? just act tough." so i put my shoulders back. i'm like, "yeah, what's up, homie?" put a little stank face on it.
he goes, "hey, hey. what's up, blue shirt?" "hey, you think you could hook it up with a chicken taco right quick?" "oh, he just wants a taco. thank you, jesus." so i'm like, "yeah, dude. i'll get you a taco.
that's no problem. that is no problem." so i push the button, buzz the door open to get inside. this dude comes walking in right behind me, like, breathing down my neck. i said, "oh, he tricked me. oh, he tricked me!
he said he just wants a taco. he gonna rob us. (crying): that's my bad. that's my bad." he's like, "hey, can you tell 'em to put some sour cream on it?" i said, "ooh, he just getting picky, that's all.
my bad." (nervous laughing) so this guy goes and finds himself a nice little table at the restaurant. i walk up to the window and i'm like, "okay, look. i don't know this fool, but he asked me to get him a taco, so i'm gonna get him a
taco 'cause i'm scared." "but if i give you the sign..." "...that means call the cops." "uh, let me get a chicken taco with sour cream, and i will have a chicken taco with sour cream. that's funny. we're ordering the same thing.
hey, it's funny. me and you, we like the same thing? we didn't even know it. besties, besties, me and you." at this point, i forget that i don't even know this guy, but it's like we're homies now.
i'm like, "yeah, i'm gonna get a horchata. hey, you want something to drink, homie? you want something to drink? you trying to get that orange fanta? yeah, that's the homie. he gonna get the orange fanta."
so i get our food. i go and i sit down with the guy. i don't know how it happened, but all the sudden, we are on our first date. i'm serious, you guys. he is asking all the right questions.
asked me about my dreams and goals in life. he's giving me advice. i'm telling him about jesus. by the end of the conversation, we're both crying. i'm like, "no, you are so right, glock nine." "i have to admit, when i first
pulled up and i saw you, i thought you were gonna rob me. i know, i was being totally judgmental. i apologize." and he was really cool about it, too, thank god. he's like, "girl, please, i was hungry; you gave me something to
eat. i was thirsty. you gave me something to drink, and now you're gonna give me that purse right there." "what?" boom, this fool grabs my purse and run out the door. i was like, "oh, hell, no!
hell, no." "uh-uh." everybody thought i was having a seizure. but there is a lesson to be learned in every situation. never fall in love on the first date. especially if he wearing house
shoes in the outside the house. san jose, thank you so much. god bless you guys. i love you. we'll see you soon.
