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what? no hustle, no muscle! adult adam: gym class in the '80s... the shorts were super-short, the exercises dumb, and the games were barbaric. i know you're aimingfor down there, ryan,but it's not cool! teams weren't assigned, but handpicked with brutal honesty and no consideration of a fragile adolescent's feelings.
oh, god. this isnot gonna be easy. i'm gonna have to gowith small wonderover there. you're going down,goldnerd. sorry. after years of thinking i had suffered through every indignity gym class had to offer, turns out the worst was yet to come. the presidentialfitness test... our great president,ronald reagan,
along withthe predator himself,arnold schwarzenegger, care enough about youto demand physical excellence. technically, arnoldwasn't the predator.he was the prey. nobody cares, goldfarb. it's goldberg. it's literallywritten on my shirt. good for you.now, why is thistest important? america needs warriorsto fight the evilsof communism. tomorrow,that battle begins withthe seven basic exercises,
which includethe sit-and-reach, the mile run,and the pull-up. what if you can'tdo a pull-up? i'm asking hypotheticallyfor a friend that couldn't make ittoday. name's josh.you don't know him. well, if you arethe kind of boy who is weak ofwill and spirit, you don't have to do it.
(sighs) instead,you will join the girlsin the flexed arm hang. josh is not gonna like that. the news was bleak. i was definitely screwed. i mean, josh was screwed. honey, it's so late.why are you sitting alonein the dark? oh, no.what's the matter? nothing.
poopie,something's wrong. there's a storminside you, and i'm not leavingtill i see a little sunshine. why do you always saysuper-weird stuff like that? looks like someoneneeds a sugar shower. (smooching) all right. all right! (grunts) stop! (laughs)
if you must know, the presidential fitness testis tomorrow, and i'm gonna be the only guydoing the flexed arm hangwith the girls. say no more. mama will never, everlet anything remotely uncomfortablehappen to you. i'll just write you a noteand get you out of it. for real? absolutely.
absolutely not. every kid in americahas to take that test. well, what does thathave to do withmy adam? (chuckles) it's a rite of passage. you can't get out ofa rite of passage with a notefrom your mom. fine! we get it.i won't write a note. i'll write you a note. seriously?i'm gonna hug youso hard right now,
i might break every bonein your body. oh. (laughs) oh, come on, adam.don't be scared. you can hug meharder than that. okay.how does this feel? (grunting) mama will write youa note. (chuckles) ♪ i'm twisted up inside ♪ but nonetheless i feel the need to say
♪ i don't know the future ♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪ it was april 8, 1980-something. before e-mail and facetime, the way to keep in touch with somebody was by sending them an actual piece of paper with writing on it! are you kidding me?where are your pants? my pen pal will be hereany minute. doesn't having a pen palcome to your house
defeat the whole purposeof having a pen pal? fanny's just gonna be herefor a few days. you can suffer throughby wearing bottoms. and for the loveof all that is holy,be nice to the girl. why wouldn't ibe nice to her? we speakthe same language. (imitating speaking french) mom, if he doesn't notwear his pants and stop speakingfrench gibberish,
i will leave this houseforever. (angrily imitating french) come on, ambassador.let's get you some pants. that means nothing!(sighs) whoa! what is this? why do you look likea bigger knob than usual? 'cause i saw that picof your sexually chargedfrench friend, and i am not letting thisamazing opportunity goto waste. oh, no.
just because she's frenchdoesn't meanshe'll make out with you. (scoffs) pops: i beg to differ,actually. in my experience, the french demoiselleis very adventurous. what's her name again? fanny. oh, that's a lay-up. score!
pops! what? she's namedafter a butt. that's a green lightif i ever saw one. erica, i'm gonnaneed your help. here's a bunch of phrasesi need translatedinto her native tongue so i can get a littleof that native tongue. "girl, our countrieshave been at war too long. "let's make peace and lovetogether." mmm-hmm.
you know what?i will help you. nice. i can tell by that smilewe're on the same page. you're gonna messwith him, aren't you? (scoffs) big time. i don't know howhe doesn't see that kind of thing comingby now. it's very upsetting. while erica was scheming against barry,
my mom's scheme to get me out of gym class was in motion. you have osgood-schladderdisease? actually,it's pronounced "schlodder," and there'san article attached. my hamstrings and ligamentsaren't keeping upwith my bones. i'm growing too fast. you're growing too fast?where? it's all in the note. you reallyexpect me to believe
your mother wrotethis note? yes, 'cause she actually did. son, did you ever seethe movie red dawn? (scoffs)a million times. do you love movies?'cause i love movies. let me ask youa question. what are you gonna dowhen the russki invaders storm the suburbsof philly? actually, i thinkthey'd be more interested
in coastal citiesand financial centers. you're gonnahave to fight and use the skillsyou learned right here! even the pull-up? especially the pull-up. you'll need your upper-armstrength to bash skulls. i don't want tobash skulls. the kids in red dawndidn't want to, either, but they had toin order to survive.
so, where are wewith that note? i just receivedan authentic,bona fide note from mr. goldfarb heresaying that he isphysically unable to completethe presidential fitness test. so, i've decidedto push the test one weekuntil he gets better. until then,we'll be running laps. (students groan) mr. goldfarb willstand here and watch. feel free to wish hima speedy recoveryin your own way.
all right! let's go! hoof it! knees high! (whistle blows) you're so dead,goldnerd. totally get it. hey, ow. oh, real nice, lisa.real nice. meanwhile, erica's pen pal, fanny, had arrived and was getting the grand tour of the goldberg home.
(speaking french) fantastique. (both laugh) (crunch) 'sup, fanny? mi casa es su casa. hunk ofyour native bread? oh. barree. bonjour. hi.
oh, here.use these cardsi translated for you. start with this one.it says,"welcome to our home. "it's really niceto have you here." (speaking french haltingly) mmm-hmm. mmm-hmm. good stuff. great start. um, i know you want to dothis next one. it's "how you doing, girl?" she likes it.
yeah, it's working.don't stop now. okay... it sounded likei said "gary coleman." weird. beautiful language. good night.or should i say... let me tell you something,mr. and mrs. goldfarb. there are three thingsi hate in life... my ex-wife,carrots, and lies.
okay, why didi close my storeand rush down here? because president reaganasked me personally through a xeroxed letterto oversee a fitness testof his design. and your son tried toget out of itwith an absurd note... that no parentwould ever write. um... i wrote the note. oh (bleep) me. it was a ridiculous test,murray.
since whenis strength measured by how many pull-upsa person can do? you knowwhat takes real strength? tackling the roleof levi in joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat. and adam was scrumptious. there's nothing wrongwith my test, ma'am. if adam suffersfrom anything, it is froma far more serious
and permanent conditioncalled the wuss-bags. hey. my sonmay be unathleticand afraid of birds... he's not afraidof all birds. i know, not all birds. not all birds. but he's not a wuss. look, i am administeringa test at the direct order of the presidentof the united states. if you want adam out of it,get a note from him.
then it's settled. i'll see you back hereon monday. what just happened? she's gonna go get a notefrom the president. look out, mr. reagan. beverly goldberg's coming for you. my mom's mission to track down the president had begun. first stop... harrisburg, the state capital. hello.i'm pennsylvania citizenbeverly goldberg,
and i'm hereto speak to the governor. um...this isthe comptroller's office. great. then i'll speak tothe comptroller. uh, and what does thispertain to? the presidentialfitness test. and the comptrollercan help how? he can put me in touchwith the governor, who can put me in touchwith the president so i can get my sonout of gym class.
ah. question... do you have any ideawhat a comptroller does? of course. he comptrolsthe great stateof pennsylvania, and i need himto get me to the manwho comptrols america. here's a thing...uh, "comptrol," the way you're using it,isn't a word. yes, it is. no. no, it's not. it is.
not really. yeah, it is. definitely not a word... straight-up not a word.uh, but i get the senseyou're not gonna leave, so here'swhat i'm gonna do. there's a guy inthe state assembly's office who screwed overmy sister. i thinkhe should meet you. sound good?
sounds great. now, i'm just gonnawrite down these directions, and when you see him,just tell him, "jill's brothersays hi." thank you for taking comptrolof the situation. not a word. meanwhile, my brother was working on his french connection. good morning, mon cherie. hello, barree.
getting into thisright away, huh, barry? what? i'm just showing hera traditional americanbreakfast. (over-enunciating) fanny,this is called a pop-tart. in america, we eat our fruitinside bread... for you. merci. you know what elsegoes down easyin the morning? rap music. erica, you translatedmy masterpiece, right?
every word. it's called "mon lit." it means "my bed." (cassette deck clicks) (mid-tempo beat plays) (rapping in french) enough. i'm sorry.i have to stop this. it's too far. you speak french?
how many timesdo i have totell you this? i was in the war.i helped liberate france. that was real? i'm confused.what's happening? the song...it's about peeingin your bed. that wasn'tyour intention, right? no! no. it had the word "pee-pee"in it, like, a lot. what the hell, erica?
i asked you for your help,and you made a fool of me? i told younot to hit on my friend. i mean,did you actually thinkyou had a chance with her? i don't know!i mean, the girls heredon't get me at all, so i thought someonefrom another country might. now you ruined that, too. while barry had lost faith in romance, i still had faith in my mom. has mom come backfrom the president'shouse yet?
are you kidding? no. have you checkedthe answering machine? maybe mr. reaganleft a message or something. you know, the president'sa very busy man. he might not have timeto help one little boyget out of gym class. he likes jelly beans. no, no,he's got a fun side, but i think you mightwant to consider that your mom's not gonnacome through on this.
i knowit's a bit of a long shot, but she's neverlet me down before. and then something happened more surprising than my mom getting a note from the president. come here, buddy.i want to talk to you. my dad decided to open up to me. you know why i reallywant you to take this test? you need an outletfor your hostility? no!stop aggravating me!
i'm tryingto help you here, man. okay, i'm gonnatell you something your brother and sisterdon't know. i played a lot of sportsin high school, but there was one thingi could never do... swim. yeah. i grew up in the city.where would i learn? well, you couldtake the busto the beach, or there's summer camps.
the ymcahas a very nice program. how about i talk,you listen? i tried everythingin my power to get out ofthat swim class 'cause i knewif i got in the pool, i'd humiliate myselfin front of everybody. so, what did you do? i got inthat damn pool! at first,i was embarrassed,
but by the endof the semester, i... i developedquite a mean backstroke. really? yeah! you don't have to bethe best. you just got to try. well, since youwere an athleteback in the day, maybe you could help mewith my pull-ups. let's get to work.come on!
(eye of the tiger plays) (drill whirs) (coughs) let's do this. (eye of the tiger stops) i did it. i got a notefrom the president of the united statesof america. huh?
actually, it's fromthe secretary to the undersecretaryto the president, who's the best friend ofthe lieutenant governor'scousin who just wanted toget me out of the office, but it's gotthe presidential seal,so it's official. wow. but no. adam and ijust had a talk, and he understandsthe importanceof just trying. i'll take the note!i'll take the note.
(sighs)mom, you're the best. i'll see youaround the tv sometime. and, just like that, i had a presidential pardon from fitness. fanny just leftfor the airport. you didn'twant to say goodbye? what's the point? she thinksi'm a bed-wetting loser,thanks to you. actually,i don't think she does.
look,she left you this note. oh, no!i don't read french! right. but i do. "barry, sorry i wasso weird around you. "american boysintimidate me, "especially the oneswho are so good at sports, "nun chucking, and frisbee." she knows aboutmy frisbee skills? did she writeabout the sketch i gave herof us riding a dolphin?
no. but she did sayif you're ever in paris,look her up. does it really say that? yes. it does.it really does. looks like she wasinto you, kiddo. i'm not surprised.i'm irresistible. hey. this is a thank-you noteto your parents. well, i felt sorryfor the big dope.
no, you care about him. maybe a little. well, it wasa nice thing to do. it was, but unfortunately, it led to this. (seatbelt clicks) (engine turns over) i've got to stopthat plane! (tires squeal) i'm coming, fanny!
i'm coming for you! thanks to my mom, i was free. and even so, i could hear my dad's voice ringing in my head. murray: adam, i really think you should take this test. turns out it actually was my dad. dad, what areyou doing here? i came hereto tell you something. (sighs) i can't swim. but you said you...
i know what i said. but i lied. i cut that class,and i... i never learned how. it's the biggest regretof my life, and i don'twant you growing up having the same regretsi do. goldfarb,get your ass in here! i may neverbe able to swim, but i knowyou can do one pull-up.
all right, goldfarb.ready for the flexed arm hang? no. today,i'm doing pull-ups. hey.you can't park there. it's okay. i'm hereto see a girl.i'm in love. you got it, chief.that's how the world works. we need a tow truckat terminal 3. (woman speaking indistinctlyon p.a. system) ♪ rising up ♪ back on the street
♪ did my time ♪ took my chances ♪ went the distance whoa! it's... it's okay.it's okay. ♪ now i'm back on my feet i just havea pocket knife. all right, go ahead.you're good. let's go, goldfarb.the president is waiting.
♪ you trade your passion for glory ♪ it's the eye of the tiger ♪ it's the thrill of the fight ♪ rising up to the challenge of our rival ♪ and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night ♪ and he's watching us all with the eye (panting) ♪ of the tiger ♪ attaboy!
yes! whoo! my lord, that wasthe ugliest pull-upi've ever seen. you'll still get killedin the first waveof attacks, but maybe, just maybe, you'll take a couple ofthose commie bastardswith you. well done, goldberg. ♪ the eye of the tiger ♪ man on p.a. system: last call for flight 612 to paris, france. barry: wait...hold the plane!
fanny! shh. stop telling meyou love me. it's not meant to be. i have to stay hereand become an americansports and music icon. but we'll always havepop-tarts, fanny. we'll alwayshave pop-tarts. she kissed me. twice. two french kisses.
whoo! ♪ eye of the tiger it's the thrill of the fight (grunts) okay, that's enough.no more. i like his littlebaby arms. i'm gonnachew on those arms! oh! tickle, tickle! will you stop it?what do you do that for?
i love him so much. okay, i tackled my fear.now it's your turn. kick. kick.use your legs. i'm kicking. see, you're doing it. i'm doing it! keep on going. all right.(grunts) come on,give it all you got.
come on. a little bit. has anyone seen my car? i know the sign saysyou can't park there, but it's okay'cause i'm in love. hasta la vista, baby. (thud)
