watch now! detail...
♪♪ (will)neil was about to turn 18, and to celebratethis landmark, his mum was buying himan early grave. what do you think? best present ever. mate, you're going tohoover up the snatch on that. i know. i can't wait to get thiscast off and go for a burn.
does your mum always buy yougifts this extravagant? not really,but it's for me 18th, innit? and she did run off. why are you getting a bikewhen you've already got a car? motorbikes are cooler. until you hit a busand kill yourself. don't listen tocaptain sensible here. it's the ultimateclunge magnet. it's a well-known fact,
if you can get a bird onthe back of one of these, they just cream their knickers'cause of the vibration. (will)is it?yeah. that's why there are nofemale superbike champions. they all get too horny and have to stop and fudthemselves off all the time. neil, how on earth is jayallowed to ride your bike back without a licenseor insurance? don't shit your pants,health and safety.
neil can't do it'cause of his arm, and the dealer's happyfor me to take it, 'cause i used tobe a stunt rider. it rhymes with stunt.well, we knowthat's bollocks. is it? 'cause i can show youa dvd of me leaping over five lorrieson blue peter, if you like. oh, wow, did youmake it into the guinness bookof fictional records?
fuck off. i don't think tara'd be happyif i got one of these. she thinksthey're death traps. beep, beep, beep,beep, beep, beep... oh, time for anothertara update! what's thatsupposed to mean?nothing. just because no one careswhat tara says or does, don't let that stop you frommentioning her every 40 seconds. don't be a dick.
i don't mention herthat much.you do, mate. oh, pardon mefor having a girlfriend. beep, beep, beep... (laughing) who's taking itback, then?i am. and you sayyou're used to motorbikes? course. my dad used todrink with lance armstrong. what, the cyclist?
yeah. right. hop on, i'll just show youthe basics in case it's different fromwhat you've ridden before. can do. these are the gears,these are the brakes. and they're forstopping, right? yeah, i presume youwant to stop. maybe.
do you need me toshow you that again? nah, nah,it's all right. you never forget. it's like ridinga bike, innit? (motor revving) i think he's used toleft-hand drive. if jay's bike-riding skills weren't quite as goodas he'd claimed, his ability to brazen it outwas unparalleled.
i should fuckingsue him. those tires had no grip. they don't tend to grip so wellwhen they're up in the air. oh, my god,that was amazing, you looked such a knob. what about yourbike, neil? i know, the wayhe said he could ride it and then he fell off and put his headstraight through that door.
it's got to be the funniestthing i've ever seen! no, i meant, what are yougoing to do about your bike? it's not only still ingillingham, it's now fucked. oh, no! so that's your mum'sgift destroyed. what's your dad getting you? i'm getting a partyon friday, aren't i? you mean you'rehaving a party? no, i'm getting a party,for my 18th.
the party,that's my present. ha! you've got to befucking joking. that's it?why is that funny? i'm just saying,and no offense, mate, but a party around your house is the pikiest 18th presenti've ever heard of. leave it out, he's not gotthat much money at the moment. spent it all onbutt plugs, has he?
no. 'cause he already owns everysingle one in the world. yeah, brilliant, well done. so who's coming,then, neil?it's mostly family, but i'm allowed toinvite ten friends. ten? oh, that's generous, consideringyou haven't got ten friends. all right, then,who you going to ask? well, i...
oh, shit. how am i going to getten people to come along? we'll just tell 'em yoursister's gonna be naked, and your dad's promisednot to bum 'em. behave. i could ask taraand see what she's up to. beep, beep, beep...yeah, nice one. has she gotany fit mates?i think so. i'm going to meet onethem after school tomorrow.
i thought we were going towaterside tomorrow, to the cinema?yeah, we are. but tara and kerryare coming too. (jay)i'm well up for that. yeah, i need togo waterside anyway. i'm nearly out of pants.you two aren't invited. it's like a double date.whoa! what? i didn't agree to this.oh, come on, will.
apparently, kerry's been havinga bit of a tough time recently. and tara thinks you two would get on...beep, beep, beep... ... so i saidyou'd be cool. yes, but a date's quitea big thing. i mean, do you evenknow what she looks like? i've not seen her, but tara saysshe's amazing and gorgeous. i bet she's a right dog. just 'causeyou're not invited?
nah, it's just that girls always think theirmates are really fit, and then when you meet 'em theylook like a pork scratching. to be fair, tara's prettyspot-on about most things. this conversation isspecifically about tara! at best, i reckon this kerryis a mid-level munter. i'm sure she's not. honestly, will,tara says she's fit. plus, and i probably shouldn'teven tell you this,
but apparentlykerry has given her last three boyfriendsblow jobs. seriously?yep. well, why didn't you say? what time are wemeeting, then? because i didn't owna tracksuit, i'd never seen the appeal of hanging out ina shopping center. but while simon and tara explored the deepest recessesof each other's mouths
i was on a date with a girlwho gave out blow jobs. so things were looking up. and by "things,"i mean me. this is fun. a fun double date. we're just shopping. yeah, but after that,we're going to watch the new "saw" film. that's like a date.oh, yeah.
i might notmake that actually. you're not scared,are you? no, i'm just notvery good with blood. it's not real, will. yes, simon, thank you,i am aware of how cinema works. any blood makes mefeel queasy. i'm the same,i don't like blood. once i saw someand i didn't like it. you two are so alike.
are we? most peopledon't like blood. yeah, you are. anyway, i saw the bestoutfit for simey in here. we won't be long. why don't you twohang out? wait, i'll comewith you and... oh, right. i like your glasses.
thanks. do you need them tosee better? yes. so, as i herded kerry off, simon was discovering that hewasn't just tara's boyfriend, he was also her project. are we gonna belooking around much longer? it's just my feet arereally hurting. oh, my god!
there it is. you would lookso cute in that. yeah, the shirt'ssort of nice. not just the shirt,the whole thing. really, do you think? were you looking at this? i think it's great.it's so great, isn't it? i was just saying he'd lookreally good in it. he would,he'd look really good in it.
not the cardigan, though.especially the cardigan! and the bow tie.the bow tieis amazing. he should try it on. how are you suddenlyso involved? oh, yes, please,just try it on! we don't have to buy it. but i'm going to look exactlylike the dummy. please, for me? do you not thinkit'll look weird?
please! god, all right. for you,but not for him. she's a bit precious,isn't she? it was a mark of howdesperate simon was to lose his virginity thathe was willing to let tara dress him up like aneccentric, posh child. oh, my god!it's shit, isn't it? you look adorable!he looks fantastic.
my creationhas come to life. i have totell everyone. all staff to dressing. all staff to dressing.no, mate, come on. you look amazing. i reallyfancy you in that. do you?yeah. put the glasses on. oh!
i'm going totake it off now. not yet. you're likemy wet dream. i need to get a photo. come on,simey, smile. hands off, everyone,he's mine! simon, can i havea word about kerry? now... who has donethis to you?
out of the picture,you. geek chicwas last year. in a way,it was a compliment. i'd never been called"chic" before. what is itwith fucking girls? they think shop assistantsare their friends. they're not,you just met them, and they're trying tosell you stuff. look, i think beforethis goes any further,
you need to tell tara thatkerry isn't my type. what does that mean? you've onlykissed three girls. your type is anyonewho'll let you. all right, fine. look, i don't want to seemreally shallow, but... she's a bit big. is she? oh, did it escape yournotice she's a giant?
so she's tall. come on, you're always sayinghow desperate you are. do you honestlythink you'll get better? yes, i'd have thought so! really? may i remind you ofcharlotte hinchcliffe? she went out with me and shewas not only fit and popular but also normal sized. okay, so kerry might not bethe fittest girl ever,
but she'll almostcertainly give you a blow job if you stick with it. god, i know. my head's telling me one thingand my cock another. it's a genuine dilemma. i mean, is using her for sextotally unethical? she's offering toput your penis in her mouth, not pay you to ask questionsin parliament. you'd likea blow job, wouldn't you?
yes, obviously. oh, god, this isa fucking nightmare. and having neil and jayfollow us around isn't helping. are you going tocome out, then? i can see you,you're not even hiding. your new girlfriend'sbig, isn't she? she's not my girlfriend. no, she's fuckingcanary wharf! you can bring your girlfriend tomy birthday, if you like, will.
is that a joke? no, it'll helppush the numbers up. it'll help pushthe height up!thanks, simon. so has she given youa blowie yet, then? here in waterside? oh, yeah, neil,i've had two. one on the escalatorand one in nando's. really?no, neil, not really. are you gonnago for it, then?
i mean, she's a freak, but there's nothinglike a blow job. and you'd know because you'vehad so many blow jobs. when was your first,then, jay? long time back. many suck jobs ago now,years. years ago? bollocks! i got one off the cleanerwhen i was 12.
who was your cleaner,gary glitter? was it good?it was brilliant, mate. i pissedright in her mouth. why would you do that? is that even possible? yes, that's how youfinish blow jobs. and she said i wasthe best she'd ever had. through mouthfuls of piss. before she had toget on with the hoovering.
hi, guys.all right? come on, simey,we'd better get going, we don't want tomiss the film. yeah, we're off too,actually. oh, no. yeah, off to geta zinger tower meal. it was clear that tonightwasn't about me at all, and if he thoughtit would make tara happy, simon would have set me upon a blind date
with a plastic bagfull of his own shit. (neil)i don't think she's that bad,just a bit big. oh, that one'smeant to be awesome. completed it. only came out last week.completed it. what about this?championship manager? completed it, mate.you can't complete it. yeah, i know. but i got so good at it thatthe fa offered me a role
in the england setup.did they? i took wokingfrom the conference to the champions leaguein six seasons. stuff like thatdoesn't go unnoticed, neil. oi, jay, look at this. "nice people swallow." it means spunk! yeah! what about this one?
"honk if youwant a blow job." we should stick it on kerry,she loves giving blow jobs. we'd have toget a bigger one. yeah, good one. actually, i know wherethis should go. after becoming possiblythe first people ever to actually laughat a bumper sticker, jay and neil's day goteven better when they saw something rare andexotic in the shopping center.
jay, look. fucking hell,what's he doing here? don't know, shopping? gilbert. gilbert! a few years ago, i'd seen"king kong" at the cinema. now i was on a datewith her. this is very violent. do you feel all right,with the blood?
yes, shush. are you okay?fine, thanks, yeah. bit hot. remember...it's not real. kerry's attempt to comfortme with her massive hand did exactly the opposite. there was no way out. the horror, the hand,the horror, the hand! it was all too much.
i'd told simoni didn't like blood! sorry, i think i need toget some air. (saw buzzing) (man)oh, jesus, no! i feel really faint. fuck off,he's scared of blood! oh, dear. i'll say this for kerry, she made a greathuman popcorn shield.
meanwhile, by the timehe'd driven tara home, simon was gettingwithdrawal symptoms 'cause he'd gone morethan five minutes without stickinghis tongue down her throat. i think that wentreally well. i could tellkerry likes him. she's amazing, isn't she? so beautiful.yeah, sort of. she's quite tall.what do you mean?
oh, no,what are they doing? they know about me,right? totally,hence the welcome party. simon, this is my mum and dad,who happen to be stepping outside the front door for no reasonjust as we arrived. hello, simon,i'm tara's mum. she's told meall about you.hello. whereas, becausei'm tara's father,
she's told me virtuallynothing about you. oh, she doesn't reallyknow very much about me. not that there's anythingbad to know. this is your car,is it? at least you're notdriving my daughter around in some souped-updeath trap. no, it's justa stopgap really, 'til i get enough money togetherto buy something less crap. mum and dad don'tlike swearing, simon.
oh, sorry. what did i say? oh, "crap"? is "crap"a swear word? "crap"? let's just err on the side ofcaution on that one, shall we? yeah, yeah, sorry. it's okay. look, someone's gota funny bumper sticker.
what's this one say? "honk if youwant a..." oh.what? that's not mine. well, it's on your car. dad, can you justgo inside, please? mum, tell him. it's all right, simon, i cansee it's meant to be a joke. i literally haveno idea how that got there.
it's just not veryfunny, though, is it? i mean, why wouldyou want to drive around with that on the backof your car? it just makesyou look dirty. i'm not. it's not like i'm obsessedwith blow jobs or cocks. honestly, i'm not. say good nightto simon, tara. so, while simon struggled toget rid of something
impossibly clingy, so did i. i don't think theyshould have thrown stuff. what kind of a person throwsstuff at another person when that personisn't feeling very well? anyway, thanks, kerry, but i think i'm meant towalk you home. i want to make sureyou get home safely. yup, well, here i am. so thank you.
you can kiss me good nightif you want to. oh. okay. right, well, i'd better go. good night, then,get home safely. nah, that'senough for tonight. kiss me one more time.no, night, kerry. okay, i ran away. but she's stillgoing on my kiss list.
number four: big kerry. considering it hadthe combined brainpower of jay and neil behind it, the blow-job-sticker jokehad worked amazingly well. it is impossible to get off. tara's dad wasreally angry.beep, beep, beep... i'm gonna have to getthe car resprayed, i reckon. try and pick a lessshit color. brilliant.
how's your girlfriend,will?if you mean kerry, she's not my girlfriend. how come she's changed herfacebook status to "in a relationship,"then?has she? how did youfind her on facebook? it's easy when you knowwhere to look. which is in a groupfor lanky munters. (laughing)mate, i reckonit's all good. tara told me something
very interestingabout kerry.beep, beep, beep, beep... she bangs her headwherever she goes? she told meyou kissed her last night. did you use a fuckingstepladder? no.why did you do it? i thought you weren'tinterested. oh, i don't know,i can't decide. and at that moment,it was easier to kiss her than to not kiss her.
were you scared?a bit. it sounds to me like you'reclosing in on that bj. maybe it'll evenhappen at neil's party. no, no,i think it's all wrong. i'm going to de-invite herfrom the party. no way, she's got to come,i need to get the numbers up. with you three and tara,i'm stuck on five. four. but if kerry comes as well,that'll make it six.
five. taking her to the party is a bitlike admitting we're going out, when all i reallywant from her is a blow job. it would be morally wrong. look, why not just getthe blow job and thensee how you feel? i've got an idea. why not get the blowie,ask for a fuck, if she says no,then dump her?brilliant.
well, i'd like tothank everyone for their fuckinguseless advice. thank you. i don't knowwhat your problem is. i've never been out with a girli liked anyway. what, apart from the lastone who made you cry? will!oh, that isbang out of order. after everythinghe's said? yeah, but some thingsjust aren't okay.
you all right, jay?yeah, i'm fine. apologize.for that? yes, for that. well, i have literally no ideawhat the rules are, then. oi, jay, jay. waterside.waterside. what did you say? nothing. right, a week's after-schooldetention for both of you.
oh, what?two weeks. nah, come on, sir. three weeks?but, sir-- four weeks' detention? starting tonight. see you later. oh, fucking hell! now i'm going tobe late to my party! right, okay, i've made upmy mind.
you're right. maybe a blow jobis worth it. i'm going to playthe long game with kerry. just make sure you don'tplay the tall game. she'd win every time.because she's tall. yes, i get it. that evening,as we stared at neil's impossibly attractive sister,two thoughts crossed my mind: surely she must be adopted,
and could thisparty get any worse? turns out it could. ooh, i say! what mustyou think of me, racing around the housein my briefs like we're atsome sort of roman orgy? neil will be back in a minute. he's just finishing upafter chess club. you know it's notfancy dress, simon?
i'm not in fancy dress. it's a new lookfor simon. i chose it. you should get your girlfriendto dress you too, will. you look like shit. she's reallyrude to you. did you twohave a thing?what, with katie? he wishes. i don't understand.
come on, kezza, let's go andget our men some more drinks. lager for william?uh... maybe the cheap french beerwill numb the shame of being seenin public with her. oh, come on, it's fine,she's nice. is the definition of "nice" someone who's a bit boringand embarrassing and much taller than you? aye, aye, si.
you didn't tell meyou'd joined jls. and you've comeas a nerd.yes, very droll. is bigfoot here? you know, your girlfriend. oh, god, i can'tgo through with it. i don't fancy kerry and i can'tkeep stringing her along. it's not right, is it? or is it? that's nice.
fucking donovan did it,he pinned me down in detention. oh, neil, what is thatmonstrosity? it was an accident. you remember,i fell off the garage. no, not the cast,what's on it. cover it up, your granny'sgoing to be here in a minute. neil! i thoughthe would have liked it. why?well, it'scovered in cocks.
behave.how was detention? it was all right,apart from that. i even managed to give outa couple of invites. did you? yeah, whilst youwere getting changed. i told them to be here early,so that should be them now.(doorbell ringing) please be fit,please be fit. hello! brilliant,it's a bring-a-freak party.
say what you like,but with these two, us four and yourgirlfriends, that's got me upto the magic ten. eight. oh, shit! neil, is it okayif i brush my teeth? no, it is not. well, big john and davidmade it official. neil's was the worst18th birthday party ever...
... unless you were simon. oh, get a room.sorry, mate. actually,can we use your room? depends, what for?what do you think? you've lost me. i want to spendsome time alone, and not in your kitchen,with tara. oh, right,time together, yeah? what for?neil!
oh, right, that. go on, then.cheers, mate! oh, try not to spunk onthe sheets. do you wantany more crisps, gran? and i was left with kerry,who might give me a blow job, but might alsoswallow the rest of me. there you are! whoa ! sorry, am i a lump?no.
why don't you comeand sit on my lap instead? there's plenty of roomto both sit down. okay, mr. grump grumps. kerry, we need to talk. we are talking. no, not here,in private. oh, good. more kissing. you're a reallygood kisser.
am i a bad kisser? i bet i'm a rubbish kisser,aren't i? do you thinki'm a good kisser, then? okay, kerry,i'm really sorry to do this. what?we're not going out. yes, we are.no, we aren't. i don't want to beyour boyfriend, and if anyone asks,i never was, all right? that didn't come out perfectly,but you know what i mean.
i'll give you a blow job. i'm sure that you will, kerry,but i just can't accept. is it becausei'm a bit taller than you? (crying) calm down. you can't be that upset. we were neverreally going out. we only met the other day. she's just hadsome bad news.
i hope will and kerryare getting on okay. she's such a sweetheart and she's hadsuch a rough time. i'd love it if she metsomeone really nice. yeah, definitely. does willreally like her? whatever you want. i said, "does willreally like her?" can we not talk aboutwill right now?
it's putting me off. (kerry wailing) oh, god,that sounded like kerry. i'd better go and checkshe's okay. i'm sure she's fine. simon, you knowwhat she's been through. oh, for fuck's sake! well, don't fucking botherstarting me off if you're notgoing to finish it!
sorry, did yousay something? (kerry crying) he dumped me!oh, dear. he led me on. that's not strictly true,is it, kerry? he tried to have sexwith me and then he dumped me. is that correct, kerry? you should beashamed of yourself. for what?
i've actuallybeen really nice. you took advantageof her.no, i didn't. i think that'spretty low. do you really? what have you done? you okay, kezza? he dumped me! no, i couldn't have,because we were never going out. he used me and then hedumped me because i'm so big!
will, i don't knowhow you can do this, especially after everythingkerry's been through. it hasn't beenan easy ride for me either, trying to stay out ofher clutches. her dad died last month. well, that's awful...obviously. but not...what? well, it's not... it's not relevant,is it?
you disgust me. will, i thinkyou should leave. but i've done nothing wrong! the dad timing is unfortunate,but it's not my fault. if you'reinterested in the truth, kerry hands out blow jobs likethey're going out of fashion, and, by all accounts,i'm one of the only people to have turned her down. i hate you!
will, i want you to leave. what, for turning down oral sexfrom the empire state building? for trying tolet her down gently rather than placing my glandsinto her stupid, boring mouth? will, i want you to leave myhouse and never come back. yeah, yeah, yeah. what's going on? i've been told to leavefor dumping a girl i wasn'tgoing out with.oh, fuck.
and by the way, did you notthink it important to mention at any stagethat kerry's dad had died? yeah, i forgot. didn't forget aboutthe blow jobs, though, did you? oh, no, you were all aboutthe blow jobs. couldn't stopgoing on about the blow jobs, but the dead dad, that justslipped your mind. well, thanks very much,simon. see you at school, mate.
to be fair to simon, i'd have probably forgotten myown mother's name if tara hadbeen wanking me off. life is so unfair. yes, and? neil's dad phoned my mum and i've been groundedfor three weeks. i did nothing wrong. not nothing.yes, nothing.
if anything,i did the right thing by not letting her give mea blow job. you didn't handle itbrilliantly, though, did you? okay, so right and wrongdon't matter, it's all aboutpresentation, is it? it's like with meand gilbert. i did nothing and i geta month's detentions. you did say,"waterside."yes, nothing. it's not offensive,it's not a swear word.
yeah, but...yeah, but what, what? do i have to draw youa fucking picture? i said "waterside"and i got a month's detentions. how is that fair? anyway, sorry forruining your birthday, neil. no, not at all. it was awesome.was it? yeah, after you guys leftand me dad went to bed, kerry gave mea blowie upstairs.
what?did she? because tara said--beep, beep,beep, beep... fuck off! tara said she was still reallyupset about it the next day. well, yeah,that was the only downside. she was still crying a littlebit on the first one. oh, god! it may not have beenextravagant, but neil willalways remember his 18th,
mainly because jay drove hismum's gift into a wall, simon ejaculated on his duvet, and i ruined the evening bycomparing the grieving girl i was supposedly seeing to an immense, cock-suckingamerican landmark.
