watch now! detail...
clarkson: tonight, we completely save the countryside. james and i completely ruin london. and there be dragons in the reasonably priced car. (cheering and applause) how you doing, everybody?thank you. hello! hello and welcome! and we start tonight wherewe finished off last week, with the incrediblenissan gt-r. really.
we know that this caris faster 'roundthe nuerburgring than a porsche 911 turbo,which costs twice as much. we know it'sfaster across japanthan the bullet train. but what we don't know, 'cause last week i wason the public roads and it was fitted withan electronic speed muzzle, is what it's like when youreally put your foot down. so when the race was over, i stayed in japanfor an extra day
to see if i could find out. clarkson: this is the fuji race circuit. there's no speed limit here. no traffic either. and best of all, no need to be worried by the nissan speed governor. on normal roads, all japanese cars are limited to 112 miles an hour. but the gt-r satnav system knows when it gets to a racetrack,
and simply turns the limiter off. first of all, i must apologisefor the sunglasses. this is becauseyesterday i pickedup a hideous eye infection. and i really don't thinkyou want to see it. this though i thinkyou do want to see. flap your paddle gearboxinto manual. then we put the gearbox itselfinto race mode, the suspension into race mode, we put that button downto engage the launch control.
left foot on the brake.build up the revs. (ca here we go!ving) (tyres screeching) my god! it's hard to say how much power the gt-r develops, because each engine, as i said last week, is hand built. and each one is, therefore, a little bit different. but i think they puta millionhorsepower in this one,
because the acceleration isjust blistering. it's just savage! god! face-ripping! with the launch control engaged, i did 0-60 in three and a half seconds. and flat out, it's even more impressive. partly that's down to the million horsepower 3.8 litre twin turbo v6. and partly, it's down to the shape of the body. it looks like a discordant mess, like stravinsky designed it.
but every crease and every angle, even on the door mirrors, is there to channel air to that big rear spoiler. the result is absolute stability and a top speed of... well, since this track has the longest straight of any grand prix circuit, let's find out. 160kph there. ninety! two-twenty...come on! two-forty!
into sixth gear at 250kph. two-sixty, 275... i'm on the brakes. it will eventually do 193 miles an hour, and that's impressive for a car that's quiet and comfortable, a car with four seats and a boot. and it's especially impressive when you thinkit wasn't really builtfor straight line speed. mostly it was built to mashyour mind in the corners.
the axles are assembled on hydraulic rigs that replicate the weight of the car, so the geometry is bang on before the suspension is bolted to the body. it uses its yaw sensor and g-sensor to measure actual yaw rate, and can then adjust the damptronic shock absorbers and the four-wheel drive system every hundredth of a second, to bring the car into line with a pre-ordained target. i don'tunderstand any of that. but i do understand this.
the gt-r can cornerso fast and so violently, each wheel hasa special knurling on the rim to stop the tyres coming off. it is extremely hardto explain how this feels. agony isprobably the best word. the onboard readout is telling me that in that last corner, i generated one and a fifth more sideways gravity. i wish my collarhad a knurled rim. it would stop myhead coming off!
when you really get goingat this kind of speed, you expect to feel detachedfrom the action, like you'replaying a video game,just pressing buttons. but incredibly,it feels mechanical. it feels analogue,it feels human. it feels fan-bleeding-tastic! i thought, when i drovethe mitsubishievo-10 the other day, that there was no way the gt-rcould be worthtwice as much money. i just thought there's no wayit could be twice as good.
but it is. and some! they haven't built a new car here, they've build a new yardstick. now, at this point i was going to tell you about the incredible brakes and the turbo whistle, and how lotus secretly developed the spine of this car. but before i had a chance, i had a bit of a problem. (ty
(grunts)hing) my neck's just gone. (ambulance sirens blaring) (indistinct) what i need is painkillers. honestly, i hate to causethe fuss because... (applause) you hopeless old fart!a datsun broke your neck! it was already weakened,
from endlessly craning downto listen to you. (audience laughing) say, um,amazing rescue servicethey've got there, isn't it? i was very pleased to seethat someone hadbrought a lawnmower. yeah, and a bin lorry. no, the dustbin lorry did putthe fear of god into me. much like i didwith them actually. when they tookmy sunglasses off, "oh, look at his eye,it's disgusting!"
i'll tell you the problem,okay, um... it's that, you know a lot ofmodern cars have thoseheadlamps that swivel -when youturn the steering-wheel.-yes. do you know why the gt-rdoesn't have that? save weight? no, it's because the motorsin that sort of headlampcan't keep up with the speed that thingchanges direction. honestly,it's just unbelievable. it corners fasterthan electricity.
wouldn't it be greatto know how fastit would go 'round our track? yeah, problem is,you think it's in japan. but it isn't.we've flown it 9,000 miles so it can be here todayin the handsof our tame racing driver. now, some saythat he isn't allowed by law within 100 yardsof lorraine kelly. and that he's never seenan episode of top gear, because he's a huge fanof midsomer murders. all we know ishe's called bergerac.
and he's off! now remember, this â£53,000 car has monstered a 300g mclaren 'round the nuerburgring. but i doubt it will do that here, because this is a power circuit. very tidy through the first corner. stig's neck, of course, made of weapons grade titanium. (pop song playing) and he's still all over elton john. let's hope he showers afterwards.
that is planted around chicago. a little wiggle on the way out. hammerhead... will the big v6 upfront drag it wide? not a chance. look at that... the stig, four-wheel drifting for japan even though he thinks it's a fictional place. okay, the follow through. bang up the double clutch gearbox. sounds like a fighter jet through the tyres!
second to last corner, digital car and analogue animal in perfect harmony, gambon... super tidy, and across the line! (audience clapping) mmm. now... now, i was expecting itto be around here. the ferrari 430,the murcielago,1.22, 1.23. it did it, 1.19.7.
that's a â£53,000four-seater saloon car. and it's quicker thancarrera gt, mclaren slr... genuinely staggering. crikey! small wonder that beatthe bullet train. anyway, this week renaulthave sent us somethingthey think we'd like to see. and here it is,it's a mobile telephone. now, your mobiletelephone may comewith something like a camera. this one comes with a car. and here it is,it's the megane coupe concept.
and the amazingthing about it is, it's all operatedusing this telephone. i have,for example, just openedthe 1970s doors with it. i can also switchon the headlightslike that. on the inside, i can even turnon the funky disco lighting. you can do pretty mucheverything on this carusing the telephone. you can even start the engine. the only problemis they're never going toput it into production. i have betternews from france,
because this isthe peugeot 308 rcz, and they are going to put thisinto production. and, well, look at it!it's fabulous. it's got the same 1.6 litreturbo-charged engine you get in a 207 gtiand a mini cooper s. but it's been tweakedto give 218 horsepower. may: up here, thisdouble bubblecarbon fibre roof also produces down force, so this car doesn'thave to have an ugly spoileron the boot lid.
yeah.not all brilliant though. peugeot say it'sgot four seats, but i mean, come on, well,even i'd struggleto get in there! you're probably better foldingthem flat, which you can,and if you do that, peugeot say there's roomin the boot fora mountain bike. now, we've heard this car willbe coming to britain in 2010 at pricesstarting from â£20,000. how about that. and i think actually, hammond,that on that basis,
the scirocco that we had ina couple of weeks ago, possibly a bit dull? yeah. it also meansi want to askpeugeot a question. if you could makethis car all along, why did you waste our timewith all that otherdreary rubbish, you pillocks? okay, time to do the news. and we're starting with... well, you know mercedesnow has the amg division? -and then the amg division nowhas the black ops division?-yes.
they're like skunk works wereto lockheed martin. we tested the clk blackrecently, okay? -there's a new one.sl black.-hammond: really? no, trust me,you want to see this.look at this. ooh! just unbelievable. it's got six litre v12,twin turbo... enzo produces 650 horsepower. that's 670! 1,200 torques,which they've hadto limit to 1,000.
well, yeah, they would,'cause if you unleashedall of that in a fast start, you'd spinthe planet the other way. suddenly gravitywould be upside down. it's going to cost â£250,000. ouch! but look at it this way. who's going to say, "i know what,i'll spend â£100,000 moreon a mclaren slr mercedes, "which is a little bitless powerful"?
gooit is.t. that's mercedes saying,"i've got two feet,i'll shoot myself in that one! "that's better." right, um, yes,moving on. hey. i've got a theory. oh, god, don't you startwith theories, we have enoughwith his every week! no, it's a good one. i think citroen isthe only manufacturer that has a whole rangeof good-looking cars.
oh, the... what? -well, think about it.-i am thinking about it.the cross dresser. that's not a good-looking car. the cross dresser'sthe weak one, but apart from thatthey're all good-looking. thi picasso.her one. ah, the picasso,you say that,but there's a new one. here it is.anybody think that's not funkyand good-looking?
hammond: it's not bad-looking. all right, c4. c4's good, c5's good, c6... pluriel? yes! ha-ha! cock, i forgot about that. you forgot about that! it's a good point though,that. can anybody here think whichcarmaker doesn'tmake an ugly car?
across their whole range?not an ugly carin their range? alfa? no. no, 8c, brera, 159... all good-looking cars. i'm very sorry. but they'vejust announced the mito,here it is. and that is a minger! all: that is a minger. has anybodyelse got any ideas? aston martin?
db9 convertibles. it looks like it's bent. hummer. who said hummer? like your thinking! they're consistently uglyacross their range of one car. and they'redesigned by americans, who have the aesthetic abilityof giraffes. i know the answer to this.
there's a surprise. va eh?ll. that's it?what, are you sure? no, he might have a point. the vectra is going to bereplaced with the insignia, which isa fantastic looking car. uh... they've got the astra. -that actually isa good-looking car.-that's good-looking.
corsa's really good-looking.have you see the agila? we've got a pictureof the agila somewherein our... there. sweet! don't say sweet! wee little car. vauxhall is now the onlycarmaker in the worldthat doesn't make an ugly car. -there's no realminger in the range.-no, there isn't a minger. (audience member mumbles) what did you say, baldy?
i can't hear a word you'resaying, i'm very old. what? it's a small one they'vejust brought out,the gilo or something? the gila?? -were youwatching the television?-(audience laughing) that!see that. my favourite... come here. look at that!it's sweet! that's notthe one in the showroom. you've seen onein a vauxhall showroom?
yeah, over at fareham. it's ugly. it's probably old,that's the problem. (grunts)camera got in the way. it's unbelievable, nobodyis listening to a word we say. i was doing itin a high-pitched squeak. that's really pretty. anyone who buys one of those,i'll sleep with them. hilary benn,the environment secretary,
has been on the televisionthis week and said he thinks the risein fuel cost is a good thing, because it willencourage peopleto use their cars less. oh, brilliant!thank you very much! let's not worry they've closedall the post offices,the schools, the pharmacies, the doctors,everything in my area,because i can always drive to the nearest town... clarkson: this... i tell you what this is.i tell you what this is.
this is from chapter one inleft-wing dictatorshiphandbook. oh, god. think. no, it is.stalin, okay? first thing he did,limit movement.second thing, id cards. know what i'm saying? third thing is curfews. redruth,this week in cornwall, curfew, if you're notat home by 9:00pmyou're down the lubyanka, gordon brown will pullyour fingernails out.
you mark my words.okay, we've all gotmotoring heroes, yeah? -we've all gotmotoring heroes.-yeah. few of you, i know, aregoing to worship at the altarthat is lewis hamilton. stirling moss. stirling moss, colin chapman. well, this week, britain gota new motoring hero. here he is,ladies and gentlemen, councillor peter greenhalghfrom swindon borough council. he's in charge of transport
and what this manhas said this weekis that every year, swindon councilis givingthe government â£400,000 in exchange for thespeed cameras that they put upall around the town. and he says it's ablatant tax on the motorist, and he is getting ridof every speedcamera in swindon. standing ovation!peter greenhalgh! ladies and gentlemen,we had to honour him. we can't just letthis moment pass. no. in the official registerof interest,
it says he hasn't acceptedany gifts or hospitality. well, that's going tochange right now,because we have this for him. it is the top geartrophy of excellence for services to common sense. and it is yours,mr greenhalgh. services of common sensein the face of blatantgovernment stupidity. you want to pop up hereand get that. we've even provided youa chair, it is the top gearthrone of gratitude. yeah...
it's for you. it's for you. peter, you come hereand that is your chair. permanently here. can i just say though, if you do live in or aregoing to drive through swindonover the next few weeks, they're all going to bewatching to see if it works,so please be careful. if you do happen to haveany sort of accidentin swindon, -wait until it's dark and pushthe wreckage into devizes.-yeah. -and then claimthat you hit a speed camera.-that's what did it.
now, chrysler,they're about to announce that all their cars acrosstheir range will comewith wi-fi connectivity. yeah. you geta device in the boot that allows you to hook upto the internet on the move. it's very clever. -what, you'd be able to checkyour e-mails?-yeah. would you be able to look atabi titmuss's ladygarden? they do say it's forpassengers only.
it really will be a case of"i went on the m40 this weekand i found this!" you had to. now,if you want a comfortable,well-equipped four-seater for around â£25,000, there are currently30 different modelson the market. but these two,being old and odd, decided none of themwere good enough and instead wanted to buy carsfrom the pages of history. now, i should stress thatwhat we've got coming up now
isn't the usual top gearcheap car challenge, because these really aretheir cars. the stupid... this is what i've bought. it's a 1972rolls royce cornichefixed head with coachwork byh.j. mulliner park ward. and it's everything i look forin a classic luxury car. it's quiet, it's supremelycomfortable and it'squintessentially british. frankly, if you have â£25,000to spend on classic luxury
and you don'tbuy one of these, you're an imbecile. see what i mean. reichsmarschallgoering has arrived. morgen! this,james, as i'm sure you know,is a mercedes 600 grosse, which was, in 1963,the most expensivecar in the world. overpriced then,like most mercedes. what? no! does your carhave a hydraulicallyoperated sunshine roof?
hydraulic windows? hydraulic seats? hydraulic doors? hydraulic boot lid? well, there you are. that's that then, is it? you've just got a fordzephyr with a chrome nose.that's all... this is a coach built,hand-built car. clarkson: hand-built is justanother way of sayingthe door will fall off.
what's this called,rolls-roycemulliner park ward? h.j. mulliner park ward. it just sounds likea plumbers convention. -can i just show yousomething? may i?-mmm. you see theselittle windows, here?do you know what they are for? so thatwhen you're in the backand the window is down, this stops the draughtmessing your hair up. you've seen this as well?has your car got these? curtains.
no, they go in caravans. are you yes. for this? okay, ready? that's brilliant, actually.i have to concede that because what i always foundreally difficult is this. may: plainly, this had to be settled in the only way top gear knows. so, we headed for the test track.
clarkson: what the grossedid was cementmercedes's reputation for engineering integrity. i think the only reasonthey didn't make it out ofdiamonds is because they're too weak and brittle. and then there's the ride. just completelyirons out the bumps. and james will be sayingthe same thing in thatford zephyr of his, i know he will. absolutely nothingis allowed to compromise
the quality of the ride. in fact, i liketo believe that if you workedat rolls royce in the 1970s and you ever useda word likehandling or sporty, you'd have been fired. this was a carfor heads of state,dictators if i'm honest. people who had a 600 almostalways had accessto an air force. that's whynobody carves it up. partly 'cause it's gotthe loudest horn in the world, and also becausei can call in air strike.
may: at the track our producers had laid on a series of tests. the first inevitably involved lord stig. clarkson: okay, surprise me. as you can see,the stig is currently driving a 1.1 litre hyundai ieodown a slalom. it's an i10. some say that's his own car.(laughing) you will attemptto beat his time in your muchmore elaborate andsophisticated cars.
here he comes.it's a proud and noble car,that is. (buzzer sounds) may: with the stig's marker laid down, the rolls went first. hit it! may: if this car hada monocle,it would fall out now. i can't hold it, captain. ah! it's alla dignified spectacle, that. (clarkson laughing) cock.
he's reversing! may: this was ridiculous. i'm going to be sick. okay, so the hyundaidid it in 24.46 secondsand james... that's not good, mate. clarkson: i had good reason to imagine the green grosse would do better. this is my secret weapon. mmm-hmm.
pull it down and it increasesthe pressure inthe shock absorbers to 3,000 poundsper square inch. cor! it is cor! it will be likean f1 racer going down there. may: it wasn't. no, it's not quiteas straight and levelas i might have hoped. clarkson: but unlike the rolls it's turning circle was less than the width of the runway. well,that's quite good, actually. you've got to bear in mind,if you got a dictator in theback and terrorists come,
you've got toget away quickly. ooh! it's a lotfaster than captain slow. may: so with the first blood to mercedes, it was time for our next challenge. "there will now be aquarter mile drag racebetween the two of you." but it says the only thing isyou aren't allowed touse your engines. -what?-it says, "old cars break downa lot "and you should getused to pushing themout of harm's way." a quarter milepushing race?
i've put my back outjust thinkingabout doing this. you're tryingto get out of it.just say go. are we ready? (both groaning) i'm not.g. and i was already ahead... i've got notracks on these shoes. how much doesyours actually weigh? 2.2 tonnes.
mine's 2.8. hang on, you're getting ahead. clarkson: god,this is painful. clarkson:i can't go another inch. i've had a heart attack. i've won that. yes, you have, you've won. -i was still going.-i don't care,i'm not going any more. wh
(mumbling)... i bet i've got ebola. clarkson: mercifully the next test did involve our engines. which car could achieve the highest top speed? i've reached five. buffeting. i've got 80. clarkson: the radar track was set. ninety. good god,the trim's coming off. may: but with a six and three-quarter litre v8,
the final result should be impressive. it wasn't. (laughing) children come outof the womb faster than that! oh, my god! before james had stopped, i fired up the 6.3 litre big. top speed of this carin 1969 was 128. 120kph. 130.
160. there it is,100 miles an hour. 170. stop! my brakes are on fire.we can see the smoke. it didn't stop andnow it's on fire. it still stopped betterthan me, i have to say. yeah, your stoppingdistance is rubbish. may: with the score at 2-1 to the grosse, we were given the easiest challenge in the history of top gear.
go to the centre of london and park. on the way we stopped for a cup of tea and an argument about running costs. my last service bill,â£212 and nine pence. there it is. â£212 for a hosepipe! yes. what was yours? read it and weep.that's the last service bill. eh?
50... (laughing) i misread that at first! â£15,950.59. yes. â£15,900 for the service. there was quite a lotneeded doing, if i'm honest. what did it do,buy you a golf? clarkson: in london our cars were plainly so much better than anyone else's. look at you, look at youin the back of your beemer.
you just look likea businessman, not a dictator. look at him living out hischairman margaretclarkson fantasy. (honking) don't blow your horn, james,or i'll blow mine backand then your ears will bleed. gone. clarkson: sure, our â£25,000 cars were a bit enormous, but then, you need a lot of space when you're talking about this level of luxury. this is mycocktail cabinet here.
air-conditioned, of course,with mounting pointsfor your shot glasses. here is an interestingearly safety feature. window goes down.window goes up, but stopsa couple of inches short. then you pressa little button and it closes. that's soyou don't cut your finger off. look at this bus.why does he have to do that? you wouldn't do thatto most 600 drivers, mate. you'd be in the bootwithout your head.
clarkson: soon, though, without executing anyone, we were in the west end. and all we had to do was park. how hard could that be? no...double yellow lines. single yellow line,double yellow line. turned out to be a nightmare because when we did come across a space it always had a smugmobile in it. look at them! two g-wizes taking upone space,that's just selfish.
in may's britain, that wouldbe punishable bysix months in prison. clarkson: happily though, electric car drivers have no style. so we headed for the one place we knew would be g-wiz free. savile row. there's alwaysa parking space on savile row. james, that's a parking space.i'm going to have it. now we could put this challenge to bed. i'm good at parallel parking.i lived in londonfor 18 years. how badly.oing? well, i am going to parkif it kills me.come on!
(horns blare) (horns continue) no. what exactly would you likeme to do? (hollers) god, this is embarrassing. (jingle plays on radio) woman: (on radio) and that's affecting traffic going into harrogate. finally we're getting a lot of calls about severe congestion
on the lanes around regent street in central london. don't know what's, uh, going on there, but callers are saying it's a nightmare. so avoid it for the time being. that's it for now. more traffic news in around half an hour. it's not going to fit, is it? clarkson: so, bravely, i gave up. i'm really sorry about that. sorry. sorry. sorry. (bleep)
clarkson: i do not know how long a standard london parking bay is, but i suspectit's about a foot shorterthan the mercedes big. eventually, we did find two end on spaces. however... where do you put the money? "cards only." annoyingly, the instructions were tiny, very tiny. because of all the different languages spoken in london,it's all just signs.
what does that flag minus plus it's 0... what time...its 0400. there you go. no, no, no.that's where you putyour pin number, i'm sure. right. put your card back in. (speaking french) ah, no... that must... both: "pagamento." where's that from? hit everything.
no, you've just cancelled it. what was the matterwith money? "remove card." we haven't paid. we've been thwarted. at the next place we found, you didn't need credit cards. female voice: by phone, customers are required to set up an account. you will need a valid credit or debit card. you are responsible for entering the correct location.
(voice continues indistinctly) (hold music plays) how long have we been now? all my life. may: bravely, we gave up again and headed for a traditional multi-storey. look at that,a ticket to park a car. day: this was great. they take your money however it comes and and in return you get spaces. yes!
i am in, i'm parked. ah. oh, no! i... i can't get out. clarkson: and james couldn't get in. (car horns blare) which was making everyone very cross. shut up! okay, fine.you want to have a horn race?
ready, steady... (horn blares) now, that's a horn! day: and it got us thrown out. it was becoming apparent that the large car driver cannot stop in london any more . and because there are now so few petrol stations, it is also extremely difficult to keep going. may: oh, bloody hell! jezza, i've run out.
hang on, i'll comeand give you a hand.hang on. clarkson: in a normal car, this is not embarrassing. (workmen cheer sarcastically) jezza, help, help, help! just push it. i'm goingto get... i'm going to getraped or something. come on, man, turn the wheel. put your foot down! hang on! come on, pump it, james,pump it.
two miles an hour! that's the fastesthe's ever been. anybody not doing anything? clarkson: london, it is a fantastic city. but unfortunately, if you have a car like james's, you can't go there any more . -oh, has it gonein your mouth?-yes, it has. just admit thatmine's the superior car. -it's got more petrol in it.i would admit that.-(laughing)
it is the colourof an afterbirth. afterbirth car. there is only one waywe can settle this. so, what i've got hereis a list of famous people who in the pasthave owned a ford zephyrwith a chrome nose. -(audience laughs)-elton john, liberace,dick emery, remember? "ooh, you are awful,but i like you." and james may. what do they allhave in common? um...
what you're tryingto say is that because i've got a corniche, i must, by association,have a wardrobe fullof spangly jumpsuits. that's it, yes! fine, okay. fair enough. spangly jumpsuit man. fair enough. let's have a lookat the big's formerfamous owners. -they are...-hammond: is max mosleyon that list? (all laugh)
it's worse. it's worse. look, amin, brezhnev,ceausescu, tito, hoxha, hussein, castro, klerk,hirohito, pot, tungand elvis presley. it is an impressive list. but, if your theoryis correct, that means you're eithergoing to murder millionsof people or you're going todie on the bog trying to get500 cheeseburgersout of your poo chute. so, really, it comes downto a simple choice.
camp. or camp commandant. (laughs) exactly! uh, anyway, now, it is timeto put some stars in ourreasonably-priced car. now, my guests tonightare both judges on the immenselypopular show dragon's den. only problem i've gotis that one of them has a namethat's very hard to pronounce. so, here we go.ladies and gentlemen,please welcome theodoros paphitisand peter... oh, damn it! (stammering) jones...
the taller one! yeah. how are you? have a seat. now, what i want to talkabout first of all is this. -since we started havingtwo guests a week, okay...-yeah. ...we thought it would bea competition on the sofaevery week. but every week everyonecomes in very polite. it's all, "oh, no, i'm sureyou'll be faster than me.
"oh, no, i'm sureyou will be." i'm getting the impressionyou too won't be like that. absolutely not. and we've got some questionsto ask you. what? -what are they?-why is itthat you can't drive fast after all the experienceyou've had on that track? (la yeah.)
weak, feeble, blind,hopeless and terrified. -(laughing)-shall we find outyour times later on? oh, now, please. no, later on.i've just added10 seconds to yours. oh! yes! you see, they've alreadystarted with the competition. listen, in business, is winning kind of everything? no, it's not everything.
what else is there? it is e (laughing)isn't it? it is everything. he's lying. yeah he's lying.ything. and you judge it reallyon how much cash you make. -it's a by-product.-i mean, it's justa scorecard.
the cashis a scorecard.it's a by-product. and it just says,"yeah, you've had a good yearor, you've had a bad year." yours is what?you do stapling machines. -yeah, i'm a shopkeeper.knickers, bras...-oh, good, no... -...stationary.-i thought you got ridof them knickers. i kept a bitjust to get my hand in. so, do you look atthe sunday times rich list? and you have to lookat him and think,"he's ahead of me." nah, '
oh, you do.ubbish. you do. you do. you only don't because...you do. seriously, every sunday,jeremy, when it comes out,i get that little text and it normally says...(bleep) 'cause you even competeon height. -no, we don't.-no, theo's given upon that one, i think. he is tall. because you mock himfor his smallness.
well, no.the only thing i mockhim about is the fact that when we hadthese beautiful cars,these maybachs, he bought a slightly longerone that mine. and he also blacked outhis windows. that's the biti really don't get with theo. why would you buy a carthe size of a maybach, and then black outyour windows when you'refour-foot-nothing? -(laughing)-nobody is ever going tosee you looking in anyway! but i just think you've takenthe idea of tallness,which is good,
and sort of ruined it'cause you've goneover the top. -you have really.woman: look at his feet! clarkson: look at his socks! (laughs) -what possessed youto put those...-size 14. woman: no! -you could go skiingwithout renting any skis!-(laughs) there's no point beingthat tall. you can't.it's ridiculous.
um, i just want to get onto this business 'cause youbrought it up. the maybachs.there it is, look. unwise, gentlemen,very, very unwise. best car ever. no, it isn't, not even close. i tell you what.i had a phantom on trial. i tell you what.my boat is more stablethan that phantom. i used to havea morris marina. -that was more stablethan the phantom.-(laughing)
you had a morris marina.that explains why yo exactly. maybach. honestly, i once drove in oneof those, sitting in the back, past some eastern europeanbuilders at a bus stop. it redefined for mewhat hate is. it's just a 600 geneva taxiwith a bit of chintzin the back. -have you seenthe colour of his?-oh...
i have. do you know.i was walking down -bond streetthe other day in london.-it's beige, mate. no, that's jewish racing gold. and, uh, there's one thingi am really interested in. is... you've all got kids. -yeah.-if you make a reallya lot of money, you've got quite a good ideafor your kids, haven't you? yeah, well, i thought,because... well, i thought what doyou do when you are makinga lot of money
and you really want your kidsto be as grounded as possible? now, you know that that's notreally going to happeninsofar as they are going to havethe fruits of your labourat some point. so i decided, actually, i'll set up a trust fund. when they get to workand to start to earn money, for every amount of moneythey earn in one year, the trust fundpays them double. -so...-so rather thangetting â£10 million
or â£1 million or â£100,000, one lump sum that they canjust blow to the wind... ...the trust fund doubles. -yeah.-and the other bitin the trust fund is to encourage them to do thingsthat are good. become a nurse,which isn't well paid. all those sort of things,then it triples or quadruples. see, i really thinkthat's quite a good idea. if you're very wealthyand you don't knowwhat to do when you die.
that is very clever. now, i want to talkabout cars, if i may. okay? you are both big petrol heads, despite the maybachs. you both started outwith alphasuds -which we only foundout today.-today. they just told us. i couldn't believe it.i had three! you had three alphasuds?
i know, then i got wise. oh, i loved my alphasuds.my alphasud was bright orange. and every single dayi used to have to get in and out of itlike this. like a ladydismounts a horse. i had to go like that.and the reason for that is that i used to havepapier-mache sills. and if i put my foot down,i'd go straight through them. -so, anyway,the alphasuds went.-yeah. 'cause you did... i'm just...you did the golf...
-gti with wonky rabbitsat the back.-yes! he is a man of great taste! have you gota personal registration plate? not one, no. how many personal registrationplates have you got? (laughing)w. yeah, i'm starting to...have you -got a personalregistration plate?-i wouldn't buy a personal... that is so wrong,because i bought him one.
what was it? yeah. w411ker. so golf gti. good. yeah. good. and then you moved intothe sensible worldof the mercedes. uh, no! no. i got my firstand last porsche. 944. yeah. 944?
you did the porsche. i did the 911 sc targa. colour? and what happened to that? i had a bitof a problem becauseone of the guys i employ... their company cars at the timewere ford orions. and we decidedto have a little bitof a race. which i didn't thinkit was any competitionwith my nice 911. you raced your 911...
against a ford orion. -mmm.-and my car spun 360and ended up in a ditch. you lost the race. and you think he went fasterthan you around our track. definitely did.the way i was driving. anyway, look. it is time, gentlemen, to see how you didout on the track. get off.)
peter jones,let's see your lap. -(car screeches)-clarkson: right, we're happy with the start? how on earth is a 6' 7",17 stone lump like me going to beata five-foot whippetlike paphitis? clarkson: excuses, excuses. that's good, actually. ooh, that's very good. that's very neat through the first corner. driving ahead.driving on all wheels.. don't you be rude about our lacetti.
that's too wide. -just...-if all else failsin my business, i've got to beat the stig. well, they don't make overalls that ridiculously big. that was a bit wonky coming in there, but he's nicely held on the way out. flipping hell. what a placeto keep put a cameraman. it's all right, we've got millions of cameramen. here we go. did you lift off through there?
-jones: no, flat.-clarkson: flat out through there. that was quick. this is the first globally warm day we've had this season. oh, my god! that's fantastic! second to last corner's brilliant. gamble... it's a wild one, and across the line. yeah! are we read no! see theo's? crowd: yes.-let's have a look at theo's.
(tyres screech) that's called killing the wheels. there'll be no clutchin this car by the timewe're finished. we'll see. it's a tough old bird, this. d paphitis: no. clarkson: it's better than your maybach. oh, brake! brake! not there.you can't brake there!
you'll be off in the field! oh, gearbox, gearbox! -clarkson: what's the matter with the gearbox?-paphitis: it wouldn't go in. clarkson: yes, it would. in there while we're moving! -where are you going now? it's all over the place.-paphitis: god knows. dirty old bomber! clarkson: first... you're the first two we've had who haven't sworn. even the newsreaders last week were swearing. that's very good.
that's better than the tall one. wait for it! and turn flat out. clarkson: you've gotta turn sooner than that. you've missed, -what you've done there.-too much.keep your foot down! -clarkson: did you actually lift off?-paphitis: nope. clarkson: that was quite brave, 'cause you got that entry all wrong. that one, how are we doing? i can't really see. that's looking pretty neat. coming up to gambon...
audience: oh! lordy, lord! the stig did actually saythat he never met anyone with a less concept of speedthan you. you know, he said it's the first time he's evershouted at anybody. and i... he was scared. he actually wanted to get out. i noticed there was abrownness to the back of thosenormally pristine overalls.
he also saidthat you're quite heavy. you really 17 stone? 17.10, yeah. fat bastard! (laughing) i know. right. theo... where do you think you came? er, if i got under 1.50,i'll be happy. smile away!
one, i'm afraid i have calledyou theo pamphlet, 'cause... i've been called a lot worse. yeah, right. under 1.50is what you want.you've did it in 1.40... wow.5. -and that's reallynot bad at all.-(applause) here you go. and there. simon pegg. -you're fasterthan doctor who.-(laughing) now, we go on to peter jones.
well, to be honest,i don't really careas long as i beat theo. oh, get to the point! all right, here we go. 1... ...40... i can'toh! oh!er... ...6.9. oh! give him a roundof applause, everybody.
that is a great time! the stig... the stig, who hasan internal barometer, tells me that cal came hereon a cold day, when engines run better, and he said that if youwere able to lose couple of stone.get down to cal's weight, you would have beenthe fastest we've ever hadaround here. he was that impressed.
thought you were (bleep). anyway, ladies and gentlemen,it's been a huge pleasure. theo and peter, everybody. thank you. it's time now to talkabout green laning. basically it's a countrysidesport for people who haveland rovers, land cruisers, tough stuff like that. it's not reallya sport though, is it?
it's just a collectionof people with one eye,who go into the countryside, dress up as murderersand then go in a fieldand see who gets the muddiest. no, it isn't. it's a group of people who seewho can do the most murdering. no, look, it's about manand machinetogether against nature. yes, you do get muddy.you get stuck in hugestinking pools of the stuff. but you wade through it.comes up to your chest. you throw a winchline 'round a tree. you pull the car 'round.it's tough.
it's technical.and, well, it's brilliant. it (laughing)tly. it is.but the thing is, okay... green laning is... i don't know. it's like golf.it's fairly harmless. however, there are a groupof very bitter-faced ramblers, uh, who wantto have it banned. they actually are callingfor it to be illegalto drive a vehicle
-into the countrysidefor the purpose of having fun.-(laughing) seriously! now, this gave these twoidiots a bit of an idea. you see, hunting has alreadybeen banned. and they were wonderingif there was a wayof combining green laning and hunting intoa great and perfectly legal day out in the countrysidefor the sort of halfwitswho live there. -(laughing)-yeah, because you can't huntfoxy-woxy any more, we decided to seeif you can hunt a smalljapanese off-road car.
hammond: this is a countryside. (dog barking) and this is the ledbury hunt. now, normally when they meetthese days, they have to turnup with a bird of prey, which can kill the foxonce the houndshave rooted it out. or someone with a gun can shoot itonce they've got it cornered. but today they won't haveto use any of that subterfuge because whatthe lads are going to behunting is him.
yeah. now, as you can see,i have everything i needfor a day's off-roading. including a car, obviously. it's a â£13,500 daihatsu terios and i know what you're thinking. it doesn't look like a fox. so, why will the hounds chase it? ah, but look at this one! -(dogs howling) -of course, despite my best efforts, this doesn't look like a fox either.
but the hunt master says he can at least make it smell like one. it's called redneck juice.it's, um, fox pee and glands. -(dogs barking)-we put thatdown there. clarkson:so, they look at it and go,"that looks like a car "and it sounds like a car.but because it smellsof fox pee, "i'm going to chase it." well, they hopefully won'tget a chance to look at ituntil they catch you. if they catch me. hammond: harry...-clarkson: meanwhile, hammond met his car.
(stammering)i'm not usedto this sort of thing. -you said you could ride.-(stammering) well, yeah,but i ride around the country lanes on a little pony and -this isn't quitethe same sort of deal.-it's only a pony horse. it's not.he's a hunter called harry. richard, the factof the matter is, okay,you passed your driving test. that qualified you to driveevery car. yes? you don't get into a bentleyand go like, "oh, i'll neverbe able to control it." so, just get on it.
-it's different.he's a hunter.-can you ride a horse? is that a horse? get on it, then.. -do you want meto give you a leg up?-yes. thank you, i got to haveone of these on. right. on three... (grunts) oh,sorry.d! can you do ita bit less ferociously?
(both grunt) i'm slightly out of balance. get it into it. it's there. oh, that's brilliant. -that's how they arein the national...-why, don't i adjust the horse and you get your car readyand we'll have a hunt and you'll get killedand eaten? clarkson: as the rest of the hunt knocked back a refreshing breakfast, i scoped out the route of the chase.
okay, i've got to getfrom here, where i am now, to here on top of this hill. uh, it's about nine miles. and as far as i can see,the only real problemis crossing this stream, which i shall ford. honestly, mr darcy on histrusty steed, evo-stik, doesn't stand a chance. i've just noticed somethingabout my horse. he's had a brazilian.
clarkson: the hounds were ready. the horses were ready. and under the rules of top gear small japanese car hunting, i was given a two-minute start. here we go! 0-60 in 12 seconds. that's not fast, i admit. but it's faster thancolin firth's going to be ableto manage on his horse. trying to think like a wily fox, i made straight for the nearest wood.
come on! proper green laningoff-roading enthusiastsmight mock. but unlike their beloved land rovers and humvees, the small and agile terios doesn't lumber. it boings like a spring lamb. (groans) -(horn blowing)-hammond: brer clarkson's two minutes were up. if anybody has an objectionto what we're doing here, do please feel freeto keep that objectionto yourself.
keen to mask my scent, i made for a patch of hyacinths. you see. if i'd hada humvee there,i'd have just got wedged and i'd now bein a dog's tummy. whoa! (dogs barking) the hyacinth plan was working well. the hounds were completely stumped. we're hunting a 6' 5" fox, he can't be hard to find. actually, i couldn't even find myself. i'd got lost. through the woods.which woods?
then i learnt something interesting. fox pee is more pungent than flowers. they're right on my track.they are now on my track. (dogs whining) come on,little foxy terios thingy. oops... (horn blowing) we're through. i'm out. all the hunters were now chasing me at full speed.
well, when i say all... right, what we've done is lost the hunt. i can see tracks.there's car tracks. i'm using my tracking skills.i'm not even using the hounds.ow, a tree! clarkson: the main pack was now out of the woods. but, in open ground, the terios pulled out a big lead. oh, lord! i've got a bitof a tank slapper here. hello, people, would you likeme to murder you?i'm an off-road enthusiast.
i was now ahead by two full miles. a gate! i've got to get outand shut it. that's not gone well! hammond: so, jeremy had caught up with his car, and i'd caught up with the hunt, which, worryingly, wasn't stopping for the gate. i've never jumped.i've never done that. perilously closeto wales now,perilously close. (horse neighs)
go on! oh, god! i'm still on! clarkson: i had 84 horse power. they had 12. but theirs were like terminators and so i decided to give up with the gates as well. okay, can we jump the hedge?let's jump it! jump it! or through, that will do. i think there can be no doubtwatching this that top gearhas saved the countryside.
no rambler, no matter howbitter and twisted they may becould possibly object to this, because the teriosis so light, it's not evenbreaking the buttercups. no, no, no, no, no! come on, terios fox! check it out! plainly, reckless speed wasn't working. so, i went back to animal cunning. nobody can track methrough water. oh, that's a bit deeperthan i thought.
oh, please don't do that. please, come on!please, i beg of you,i beg of you! i think we found him again. why won't you work? why haven't i got low range? animal cunning had let me down, so i tried ringing for help. operator: good afternoon. emergency breakdown services. you're speaking to carlene. how can i help you? yes, i'm goingto be eaten by dogs.
and i'm a pregnant womanand i'm all on my own. happily, i managed to get myself out. but now the hunt was on my tail. there was nothing for it. i had to go back to reckless speed. ah! (bleep) this is one of the issueswith the terios. the ride is a bit bumpy. with just three miles to go, finally i made it to the stream. that's not a stream!
that is not a stream! oh, my god,that's the river severn! (dogs bark) oh, christ almighty! i had to find a bridge. hounds! and there,yes, it's richard hammond bringing up the rearon soon to be yoo-hoo. come on, car!
forty-five. forty-five. come on! oh, no, the route's blocked! things were desperate. "pub... there be witches..." no, my god! no, no! oh, my god! no! this is it. this is it.goodbye. goodbye, children.
take care of your mother. bye! sadly, in the courseof making that film, -jeremy clarksonwas eaten by dogs.-(laughing) anyway, we'll be backnext week. thank youvery much for watching. see you then, and goodnight!
