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♪ ♪ - ♪ i'm goin'down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folkswithout temptation ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night,people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park,gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪
- ♪ come on down to south parkand meet some friends of mine ♪ [rooster crows] [laughter,metallic clanging on radio] - that's funny.i like that! big harry and mikein the morning talking about the newhit movie [flatulence]. it's a great comedy.it's starring [flatulence]and [flatulence]. - i saw the movie last night,big harry,
and it made me laughso hard! this movie isabout a [flatulence] who's suddenly all like[flatulence]. - oh, that's funny.that's real funny. big harry and mikein the morning. we'll talk more about it,but let's get to some music. the new tween wave band[flatulence] with their song [flatulence]. [hip-hop music]
[electronic flatulence] [music stops] [grease sizzling,utensils clanking] - coming this fallto fox/cbs/fx, jurassic park and lost in same tv show! [flatulence]dinosaurs. [flatulence]lost humans. future, yeah,[flatulence]. - stanley, eat your waffles.
- oh, shut up, cartman. you don't knowwhat you're talking about. - oh, yeah?i saw it on the news, kyle. the school is going tomake us all get shots again, but this time it's so that wedon't get warts in our vaginas. - [mumbling] are you serious?- yep. - that's only a vaccinationfor girls, stupid. - then why are they saying thatgetting vaccinated at school is gonna make usall retarded?
- because some people thinkvaccinations can give you autism or asperger's.- wait. what? - that's what they'retalking about on the news. - wait, there's a diseasecalled ass burgers? - yes!- you are so lying! there is no diseasecalled fucking ass burgers. - you want to bet?let's go ask my dad right now. - okay, you're on, jew! [bus approaching]
[children chattering] - and so, children,at noon today, all the girls will goto the gymnasium for their vaccinations and boys will head on outto recess. - do the girls get their shotsright in the vagina? - no, butters,that's not how it works. - mr. garrison,these three boys were caught playing hooky.
- did you guys know there's actually a diseasecalled ass burgers? - sit down, boys.we'll talk about this later. right now we're talking aboutvaginal warts. - this isn't fair! how can the school make usget vaccinated? - you mean little hamburgersgrow in your butthole? - that's right.it's a butt fungus. - i don't want burgerscoming out of my butt.
- god, shut up! everyone,just shut the fuck up! - okay, stan,you gotta try and pull yourselfout of this, mkay? i know that your parentsrecently got divorced, mkay. that's gotta be hard. i know that--that's bad. but when you walk aroundall mopey, mkay, and sayingeverything is just shitty,
well that's called beinga debby downer, stan. and nobody likesa debby downer, mkay? i mean, you gotta-- you gotta snapout of it, debby. come on, deb, you're evenbumming me out now, mkay? your attitude just--just sucks. - i just want everythingto go back to the way it was. - okay, well, that'snot gonna to happen, debby. okay, you know lifehas to change, mkay?
- how? when all the things that madeyou laugh just make you sick, how do you go on when nothingmakes you happy? - huh. excuse me a minute,stan, mkay? uh, hi, miss bronski? did we vaccinate stan marshfor the flu last year? we did? uh-oh. [whispering]i think he's got asperger's.
- this is breaking newsfrom cnn. or fox. or whatever.fuck you. - the first documentedcase of a child developingasperger's syndrome from school vaccinations has put the governmentin a tight spot. as press conference today,the media heard from the young boy's father,steamy ray vaughn. - it's pretty shitty
when you work so hardto be a great parent, and then the governmentcomes along and with one shotturns your child into a mentallyincapacitated freak! i mean, look at him! he's disinterested,depressed, self loathing. it's most likely the reason his mother and igot divorced. - in responseto the embarrassment,
the presidentof the united states has passed stan's bill, putting an end to mandatedschool vaccinations. - mr. president,the bill ready. - [quacks] - just sign right here,mr. president. - [quacking] - and if you could justsign this one as well, mr. president.
[camera shutter clicks] - it is yet unknownif any other children have contracted asperger'sfrom the vaccinations, but if so,multimillion dollar lawsuits are probablynot far behind. - ♪ turn onyour heart light ♪ ♪ let it shinewherever you go ♪ ♪ let it make a happy-- ♪ ahem.
ugh! ah! ohhh! - eric,what is it this time? - fever, light--light headedness. i don't knowwhat's wrong with me. - you don't feel warm. - oh, that's a relief. i thought maybe i had a feverbut i--oh, oh, my buns! there's a sharp painin my buns! - can you layon your stomach?
- i'll try, i'll try. - what the-- what is this?a hamburger? - a what? - why are their hamburgersin your underwear? - are you serious?how could there be-- oh, my god! you're sayingi have ass burgers? - this doesn't make sense. are you trying to sneak foodinto the school or something?
- what are you talking about? i got vaccinatedfrom the school, and now clearlyi have ass burgers. - very funny. - well, i'm glad you thinkass burgers is funny. just note my conditionon your records there. - get out of my office. - hey, kyle, have you heardanything at all from stan? - i've tried, wendy.
i've called him.i've been to his house. but since his diagnosis, all he's doneis gotten worse. - i don't know what to do. it's like he'scompletely turned off. - those two should just screwand get it over with. - yeah. - i can't keep doing it,wendy. i know he hasan illness, but goddamn.
it's like being arounda black hole that just sucks the lifeout of everything. - look,maybe what we should do is all go overto his house together. that way we could--- no, i can't, wendy. all his negativity is startingto make me depressed. i have to let him go. and whatever happens next,i'm going to embrace with a totally positiveattitude.
- goddamn stupid school nurse!heartless bitch! - what's the matter, dude? - i spent all morning makinghamburgers for nothing! that's what's the matter! - you made hamburgers?that's awesome. i'd love one. - mmm! wow! this is really good,cartman. - really?- yeah.
hey, riley,try this hamburger, cartman made them himself. - wow!what is that? - seriously, cartman, you couldmake money with these. - gee, thanks, kyle. - the truth iswe still know very little about asperger's syndrome,mrs. marsh. all the patients hereshow the same social awkwardnessthat your son exhibits.
good morning,mr. mathers. - good-bye...doctor.[farts] - [exhales] it's as ifthey all have an inability to distinguish fromwhat is socially acceptable and what is not. we've got a new patient,martin. i want to you meet stan. - nice to meet you. - here at the treatment center,our focus is on awareness.
asperger's is serious, but unfortunately,because of its name, people think it's a diseaseto be made fun of. [patients laughing] all right, everyone,let's have a seat. oh, we'll be done atabout 5:00 p.m., mrs. marsh. i'll callif it's any earlier. - oh, right. good-bye, stan.i love you.
- all right, are we clear? - we're clear. [guns cocking] - watch that window, puck. everyone make surethis room isn't bugged. all right, stan, listen up.we don't have a lot of time. you've been toldasperger's is real. it isn't. it's just a frontthat we use to stay hidden.
- wait, it's nota real illness? - of course not! if there was a socialdevelopment disease you wouldn'tcall it "ass burgers". that's just--that's just mean. there's a big wargoing on out there, stan, and we want to youjoin our fight to bring it all down. - oh, no, no, no.
we're not doing this. - you have broken throughtheir reality and they don't like it. others deserve to knowthe truth. you see everything as shit,don't you? where other people see funmovies and hear cool music, all you see and hearis shit. am i right? - so do we.all of us here.
we know the truth, too. - we found wayto make it stop, stan. now are you interestedor not? - next order, please. get your cartman burgershere, fresh and flavorful. - i just can't believehow yummy these are. - there you go, molly.and a bag of chips. - thanks. - how we doingon those patties, jew?
- about three minutes, fat ass.- nice. - jeez, we're out offinished burgers again, eric. we need more.- it's all right. i think another batchis just finishing off in our top secretflavor enhancer. - dude, come on, cartman. as employees, don't you thinkwe should get to see what the final secretflavor enhancer is? - i'm sorry, kyle,but if we compromise
our final cooking process, then our patented flavorwill be everywhere, and we'll have to go backto school. now let me getthose hamburgers. - all right,these are good to go. [children clamoring] [machines beeping] - all right, is he readyto be sent in? - he's ready.
beta levels are normal. - who are you people? - we're the secret societyof cynics. [exhales] everything lookslike shit to you, right? what if i were to tell you that you are seeing the worldthe way it actually is? - huh? - the world around us hasall completely turned to shit, but aliens are putting outa brain wave
that keeps most people seeinga false reality. - aliens? - or robots from the future.whatever. the point is,they need to keep everyone in a blissful state ofignorance. - yeah, everything used to beawesome and cool, but now everything'sgone to shit, and nobody knows except us. - because of aliens?
- or genetically alteredhumans. whatever, fuck you. all that matters is thatyou are the key to bringingthis whole thing down. they know who we are,but they won't be expecting you. are you ready to go back intothe illusionary world you once lived in? - yeah, i'm ready.- let's send him in. drink this.
[harp music] - ahh! oh, cool! - jill, you got a datewith al pacino? - i think al pacino wants toplay twister with your sister. - [laughing]adam sandler's funny! [children shouting] - hey, kyle,you have a visitor. - stan?
- kyle!- hey, stan. - dude, i'm sorry. i've been a shitty friend.i miss my buddy. you were right. adam sandler isfucking hysterical. - stan, are you all right? - yeah, dude,i totally get it now. i can see how lame i was saying everything was--was shit.
- really?stan, that's great. - but, kyle,it's all shit. for reals! everything's shitbecause of aliens with a.i. and you and me are gonnafuck it all up. come on! - dude,have with you drinking? - you're not listeningto me, kyle. dude, we have to go dothis one thing and then everythingcan go back to normal. - it's too late for that.
things just can'tgo back, stan. i'm with cartman burger now. - dude, cartman burger?seriously? how shitty is thatfucking concept? - see, there you go again.look at you, dude. look at what you've become. - everythingall right here, kyle? - yeah, it's fine. - we're gonna need moresome more patties pretty soon.
- yeah, yeah.i'll be right there. - come on, kyle, this is aboutyou and me, remember? - look, dude, things aroundhere have changed. sometimesthe only way to keep going is to make a left turn. - fuck you, kyle!you're a piece of shit. - [sighs] - kyle, i love you. you're a piece of shit, though.fuck you!
i love you. [laughter and metal clanging] - big harry and mikein the morning, and in case you didn't catchlast night's episode of [flatulence],we're breaking it down. - oh, big harry,when the [flatulence] ran into the [flatulence]. - oh, no, no, how aboutwhen [flatulence]-- - oh. ugh.
- he's back. did you seethe illusionary world again? - how did it feel to be backin the matrix? - i feel like total shit.- it's okay. that's just your brain levels adjusting back tothe real world. - try and focus, stan.we've found them. we know wherethe rock creatures are now. - the rock creatures?
- or aliens or a.i. things. - dude, i can't--i can't do any-- - he's gonna pop! - come on, kid, wake up.there's not a lot of time left. - you're pushing himtoo hard! - oh, god. - stan, you have toconvince people they're livingin a world of illusion. we're sending you back in.
[device whirring] - we all knowwhy we are here. there is a rebellionin our midst, and it must be squashed out. we have to put an endto cartman burgers. all: yes! - at kfc, we've seena 50% drop in sales. - it's worse at pizza hut. cartman burgerschoked out the market.
- what makes them so good? for whatever reason,these cartman burgers satisfy the taste cravingsfor all of our restaurants. - there lies the secret. - it's the chemical compoundsof all our flavors. pizza hut, burger king,kfc, all somehow infused into one burger. - it's as ifhe's somehow taking all the ingredientsof our food,
breaking them downinto some kind of gas, and then somehow infusingthat gas in to his hamburger. what kind of instrumentcould he be using to do this? - it would have to be some kindof super dutch oven. - but a dutch ovenwith greater technology than we've ever seen. - ah! ugh! yeah! blargh!
- hey! wake up!come on, wake up! use the smelling salts. - [sniffing] enchirito? - you know the secret? - what?you guys are aliens? - stop playing with us! what's the secret behindcartman burger's amazing taste?
- dude, i don't know. - he's lying. you see this kidin the picture? this guy's his best friend.- ah-ha! - i'm not friends with him. - they have been througheverything together. inseparable. - no, no,we don't hang out anymore. like someonewould just walk away
from a friendship like that. - dude, i didn't walk away! i turned ten, and everythinghe wanted to do seemed shitty to me,so i-- - oh, sure! anyone wouldditch out on their best friend because they weren'tfeeling good. now stop playing games and tell us why cartman burgersare so delicious! - i don't know.
- all right. i guess we're gonna have todo this the hard way. - there's ten mediumsand five medium rares. - all right, i'll take theseto the flavor enhancer. - next, please.oh, hey. - kyle, you gotta tell methe secret to cartman burger. - what are you doing? - how do you guys make themso yummy? - you better get himto tell you
or you're getting shotin the back of the head. [through earpiece]you got that? - dude, just tell methe secret to cartman burger. - why? so that we can loseour business and everything can go backto old times? - no, because there's alienswith a sniper chicken on me. look, i know you gotasperger's from the school, and i'm sorry, but your negativityis poison to me.
- oh, right! like a friendwould walk out on somebody who was diagnosedwith a serious illness. - dude, i'm sorry thati've been bumming you out, but it's not my fault. - you said "fuck you"to my face, stan. - dude, i didn't realizewhat i was saying. - oh, yeah, right. like any friend would saysomething that severe then try to take it back.
- all right, look, i honestly don't knowthe secret, dude. only cartman does, and that'show it's gonna work for us. - goddamn it,this is getting us nowhere! everyone get back! you want to play hardball?that's fine. [children scream]all right. let's see this mighty machineonce and for all. [gunfire]
- you vampiresons of bitches! - aah! - ha ha!unh! - all right,nice work, stan. now comes the final step. you have to take outduck president. - just stop it! you peopleare so full of shit! - uh-oh. looks like the serumis wearing off.
here, you better takesome more. - no, i'm done with that! - but, stan, you have totake down the bad guys and go througha personal transformation so that everything can go backto the way it was. - i don't want everythingto go back to the way it was! i--i don't. you were right, kyle. sometimes the only wayto go forward
is to takea big left turn. i've been resisting it,but i'm ready now. i want you to staywith cartman burger, dude. it's okay. you're gonna do this,and i'm gonna do my thing, and...my mom and dad aren'tgetting back together. but you know what?it's okay. in fact, it's better. this change is gonna bringnew things for all of us.
where will cartman burgergo from here? that'll be cool to see. and it opens me up towhole new adventures, exploring new relationships with all new peoplein town. maybe this kid will becomemy new best friend. or maybe this kid will.- wow. - maybe it won't belike before, but at leastit'll all be new.
and that's what'sgonna make it so that i can keep going. for the first timein a long time, i'm really excited. [horn honking] - stan! stan! get in the car, stan. your mom and i aremoving back in together. - what?
- we worked it out, pal.surprise! - no, dad.no, no, please. - we talked a lot and we knowit's what's best for you kids. and, i don't know. - no, mom, sometimesyou gotta--left turn. - people get older,stanley. and as you get olderyou realize the best thing to do is juststick with what you know. [landslide playing]
- ♪ i took my love ♪ ♪ took it down ♪ ♪ i climbed a mountainand i turned around ♪ ♪ and i saw my reflection ♪ ♪ in the snow-covered hills ♪ ♪ till the landslide... ♪ - you were sticking thesein your ass, cartman? all: ugh! - ♪ and if you seemy reflection ♪
♪ well, the landslidewill bring it down ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ the landslidewill bring it down ♪ [laughter and metal clanging]- oh, that's good. i like that![slide whistle ascending] talking about two and a half men. i think ashton kutcher makes itthe show to be seen, mike. - yeah, but what aboutthat movie dolphin tale? i am psyched for that!- dolphin tale!
let's hear from the bandsledgejammer and their song-- [knock on door] - dude, we're gonna go seethe new zookeeper movie. - zookeeper 2: zookeepier! - 'kay. coming. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com - big harry and mikein the morning oh, man, it's great.
