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captioning made possible bytrimark home video ♪ i can feel the heartbeatgettin' stronger ♪ ♪ i can hear the heartbeatgettin' louder ♪ ♪ i can't say thati'm some great magician ♪ ♪ or a famous priestor politician ♪ ♪ but i knowa bit about love ♪ ♪ and what it means to me ♪ ♪ and whati feel in my heart ♪ ♪ is my reality, yeah ♪
♪ i can see you cryin'though you're smilin' ♪ ♪ you were so alone,it felt like dyin' ♪ ♪ well, i'll love youwhen you're wakin' ♪ ♪ and hold youwhen you sleep ♪ ♪ i'll be there when you laugh ♪ ♪ hold you when you weep ♪ [tuba blows] if i had to pick a beginningto this bizarre story, i guess it wouldhave to be the dream.
yeah, definitely the dream.that's when it all started. that's me,jeremy capello, sitting inside the tuba. if i appear disoriented, it's because i don't knowhow to play a tuba or any othermusical instrument. i'm not in the band. that's candy andrews. she's a cheerleader.
i think she likes me. but for some unknown reason, i can't keep my eyesoff darla blake, musical prodigy,julliard candidate perhaps, but not what you would callcenterfold material. in fact, darla blakeisn't someone you would call... period. then comes the note. i can't believe it,but i'm fascinated.
it seemed like a good ideaat the time... so i went for it. suddenly, i'm inthe girls' locker room, no man's land,the forbidden zone. i'd heardthe horror stories. men caught in herewere castrated and made to pass out towelsfor eternity-- a living helli could do without. and then, i see her.
she's gorgeous. is thisthe same darla blake? without being too obvious, i check outher birthday suit. she asks meto take a shower with her. i tell her i'm clean,but she insists. "make love to me,"she says. i tell herwe're moving too fast. i offer to take herto lunch instead.
i--i--i... suddenly, there'sa new babe in my arms. i'm shocked. i excuse myselfand ask, "where's darla?" she tells me to kiss her. i say, "who's dreamis this, anyway?" i'm looking for darla. she tells meto kiss her again. i refuse.
then things get ugly. aah! ah! police radio:all units, 7885. code 6 on kirbyand westheimer. roger.repeat location. lewis, call your son.his eggs are ready. jeremy. good morning.
mom: good morning. good morning, dad. mm-hmm. mom, i've got a problem. what's your problem,jeremy? i cannot rememberwhat dad looks like. well...he's stilla very handsome man. dad... you're bald!
good morning, mrs. capello,mr. capello. good morning,ralph. i can't stayfor breakfast, but... we're running lateas usual. ralph's right. oh, ralph,there's a speed trap over at the montroseoff ramp. thanks,mrs. capello. drive carefully, boys.
we always do. the same dream,fourth night in a row. darla blake? how can youignore candy andrews, who, incidentally, ishot after your tailpipe, then haveperverted dreams about frigid and rigidblake? it's not perverted. you're right, it's not.it's bizarre.
ok. what does it mean? if you're crazy enough to waste a perfectly goodwet dream on darla blake, you needprofessional help. you don't understand. i see a side to this girlthat nobody knows exists. i have a theoryabout this dream of yours. when was the last timeyou got laid? what does that have to do with anything?
can't you remember? not that it's anyof your business, but peterson'sparty. jenny ciceroin the closet. remember? yeah. you bought hera dozen roses and invited her hometo meet your parents. she'sa nice girl. you're confusing true lovewith common household guilt.
you need an incrediblesexual encounter with no strings attached,no emotional involvements, just pure,unadulterated lust. that's not me. it could be. a carefree romp in the sackwith but a single purpose-- to use and to degradeanother human being to satisfy your ownselfish pleasures. sorry.not interested.
sex without guiltis the greatest. hi, pam. but pick a girl who doesn't goto this school. blondie:♪ one way or another ♪ ♪ i'm gonna find you ♪ ♪ i'm gonna get you, get you,get you, get you ♪ ♪ one way or another ♪ ♪ i'm gonna win you ♪
♪ i'm gonna see you ♪ ♪ i'm gonna meet you,meet you, meet you, meet you ♪ ♪ one day, maybe next week ♪ ♪ i'm gonna meet you ♪ ♪ i'm gonna meet you,i'll meet you ♪ ♪ i will ♪ ♪ drive past your house ♪ ♪ and if the lightsare all down ♪ ♪ i'll see who's around... ♪
hi, flo. hi, jeremy.he's in the back. thanks. hiya, george.how many today? oh, the usual.a dozen or so. george, what wouldall these old ladies do without me? probably dieof constipation. ha ha.
yeah. i wish i couldmake a delivery to someone who still hadall their teeth. got a new onefor you today. oh, yeah? highline drive? you sureabout this address? that's the addressshe gave. this isthe old gardner mansion.
it's been desertedfor years. it's a dump. wait a minute. no polygrip,no geritol, no deep-heating rub? george, we may beon to something here. this has got to be a joke. woman:come in. whoa!
hello. groceries! hello? hey, kitty, kitty,kitty, kitty! hi. where is everybody, huh? this comes to $13.49. i can take a check, but i'm gonnahave to see some i.d.
ow! are you hurt? i'm afraid nora's a bitnervous around strangers. is anything the matter? uh...no. um...i just thoughtyou were somebody else. have we met before? i'm not sure. you're bleeding.
i feel responsible. let me see. uh...it's reallyjust a scratch. when i was littleand scratched my finger, my motherwould always kiss it. my motherused band-aids. i--i--i've got one in the car. how's that?better?
much better. um... i have to go. jeremy, do youfind me attractive? very. i have to go.more deliveries. i like you, jeremy.can you come back later? y-you want meto come back? how about tonight?
i--i--i really really have to go. around midnight? i'm a night owl. uh...night owl. she sucked your what?! finger, you jerk. my finger! he lets herget away. there's something weirdhappening.
she's the womanin my dreams. great.then she's perfect. no, she's not the woman of my dreams. the woman in my dreams. she knew my name. so what? i didn't tell hermy name. this is likean omen from god. you like this woman,right?
there'san attraction? a sexual attraction? yeah. i guess so. perfect. could you imaginemarrying her? no. perfect.what's the problem? go for it, man. i promisenothing will go wrong.
i'll drive. it's a school night. do it, nerd! oh... i don't evenknow her name. she's still up, stud. you'reabsolutely certain this will make mea better person? if nothing else,you'll sleep better.
no more nightmaresabout darla blake. what if i misinterpretedthe entire situation? jeremy, a beautiful womansucked your finger and begged for more. this is a datewith destiny. now get in thereand enjoy it! all right. all right.
how do i look? like a vacuum cleanersalesman. ha ha! no, i'm kidding. relax. you look great. here goes nothing. professor,shouldn't we warn him? no. maybe he's one of them. but what if he isn't? [wolf howling]
professor, what ifhe isn't one of them? either way,it's too late now. it's me. [meow] don't even thinkabout it. up there? yeah? why am i talkingto a cat? hello, jeremy.
i, um...the door was open. i...i called out,but-- i've beenexpecting you. ohh, boy. go ahead,look at me, jeremy. don't be afraid. ohh... who said dreamsdon't come true? i'm glad you came.
um...i want youto know, um... that i'm usually notthis forward with women. shit. what do i do? [crash] hurry. you are the most intense,gorgeous woman i ever met. i don't even knowyour name.
call me nora. nora? i thought that wasyour cat's name. whatever. [creaks] did you hearsomething? you're not expectinganyone, are you? stop this obscenity! oh, god.oh!
get him! hey, you! hey! hey! stop! hey-- hey! i knew it! drive! ohh. where are your clothes? screw my clothes!let's get the hell out of here! ahhh!
milton high school,huh? well, we'll see. professor! professor! [woman shrieking] i knew it. i knew it! i'm having the most intensesexual experience of my life and some wild mankicks the door down.
who was he? husband, boyfriend. how the hellam i supposed to know? you didn't see anybody? i saw this white van,but what could i do? come on.this isn't funny. i could havebeen killed. maybe you shouldstick to your dreams. you're not readyfor real life yet.
ha ha ha. all right. all right. look, i'm sorry thingsdidn't work out, ok? we don't have to tellanybody about this. no. of course not. this wasn't oneof my prouder moments. hey, you're bleeding. what? oh, my god. wow! looks likebite marks.
hey,i am impressed. told you.she was intense. that's right. later, man. see you later. watch your sheet. ha ha ha! what now, professor? first,we finish here,
then we locatethe young man. what a night! go! [howling] [barking] hey! hey! [whimpering] jeremy, you haven't eventouched your breakfast. i'm not hungry.
lewis, jeremy won'teat his breakfast. eat. do you feel all right? you look a little pale. i'm fine. i'm just tired. what did you doto your neck? uh...i cut myselfshaving. good morning,mrs. capello,
mr. capello. i'm staying home today. you better go onwithout him. i thinkhe's caught something. i'm ok...sort of. i'm just not hungry. any speed traps today,mrs. capello? lumkin street and fountain. see you later,pal.
now, maybe if you'd eat something-- mom, please.i'm not hungry. all right, go ahead.starve yourself. see if i care. police radio:we have a call back. hey. you don't feel warm.i don't get it. but you're sick! damn!
well done, grimsdyke. you managed to hitthe wall. sorry, professor. do you thinkwe're playing games here? the fate of the human raceis hanging in the balance. if my calculationsare correct, and they always are, 20% of humans will beinfected by 1990. within the next decade,
we'll have lost the entirenorth american continent. by the year 2000... vampire armageddon. luckily for us,there's still time while the threatis still containable, localized. someday, we'll be reveredas heroes, you and i. meantime,
the teenager in the redconvertible must die. what about casey bolgin?would you do it with him? no way!i hate jocks. what about matt newbury? god, i get hotjust mentioning his name. he's toostatus conscious. darla, you wouldn't do itwith anybody. well... wait a minute.what about tom cruise?
you can put himdown as a maybe. are you just saying thatbecause he's not here. hi, jeremy.i heard you were sick. yeah, he hada bad night. excuse us please. ralph,we need to talk. that girl's crazy about you. i can't believeyou don't go for her. not now, ralph.
well, put in a good wordfor me. do you know anythingabout that guy? why? he keeps staringat me in algebra. ooh, that'sjeremy capello. don't tell meyou want him. very funny,gloria. we are in deep shit. what are youtalking about?
last night after we leftthe gardner place, somebody torched it. the police thinkit was arson. don't you see?we were there. yeah, but we didn'tdo anything. nobody even knowswe were there... except the guywho busted in on you. right. exactly.what if he sets us up? who's going to believea couple high school kids?
let's calm down, ok.let's not panic. ralph, i thinksomeone's following me. what are youtalking about? who? i don't know. some guy. maybe a cop. cops. our lives are over. we're talking prison. we're talkinghomosexual rape
by convicts named bruno. hey! listen...we didn't do anything. we got nothingto worry about. right? right. there it is, professor. that's the demon's car. remember? be patient, my fat friend.we'll get him. park over there.
[school bell rings] here, i can'tdrink this. i thought cherrywas your favorite. not today. that's him. follow them. don't let themget away! tell me that isn'tthe same white van from last night.
it's probably nothingto worry about, right? we're dead. see...nothing. i wasn't really worried,just after last night... well, after last night,you're paranoid as hell. damn right. shit! what? nora's husband.
where'd your mom saythat speed trap was today? um...lumkin streetand fountain. why? hang on, man.here we go. yeah! oww! [sirens] i am an animal! ugh! god! i'm sorry. you!
hi. um... are you ok? nothing's broken,if that's what you mean. i'm really sorry, ok? how come you staringat me in algebra? i wasn't staring. yes, you were! all right, i was staring. i didn't meanto make you uncomfortable.
come on! go, go! in here. you're very weird.do you know that? shh! just get down. there's someonefollowing me. who? i thinkhe's a cop. what did you do?
nothing.it's a long story. jeremy, are you ok? do me a favor. look in thatmirror up there. and tell mewho you see. no one. ok, good. look out that glass doorand tell me who you see. nobody.
nobody! [imitates eerie whirr] there was someone out there.there was this weird guy. ok, that's it. this has beenenlightening, but i'm neededback on earth. don't let him see youleave the cooler! oh, no problem. i'm carryinginvisible hair spray.
how are you feeling,jeremy? i'm ok.i'm just tired. drink plenty of liquids.that's the thing. yeah, i think it'sa protein deficiency. i'm making a protein shake. your mom said a girlnamed candy called. that's a great name. candy. it sounds yummy.
yeah, she's a cheerleader,blonde hair, all that stuff. big deal. women can really bea bother, can't they? calling youall the time. wanting to go out. it's missing something. well, it's been nice having this man to manchat with you, son. protein drink, huh?
[dog barking] wake up, jeremy. jeremy? we have to talk. i'm too youngto go to jail. permit meto introduce myself. i am modoc,at your service. you're not a cop? it has cometo my attention
that you've hada sordid sexual encounter with a strangeand beautiful woman. it wasn't sordid. you were bitten by this woman,were you not? that's noneof your damn business. jeremy,this woman was... how shall i say? infected. oh, god.
she looked so clean. all right,i'll cooperate, but please don'ttell my parents. i thinki'm missing something in the translation here. you're not fromthe health department? what is thisall about? have you experiencedanything strange or unusual during the past 24 hours?
just you. [dogs barking] how about them? a couple stupid dogs.big deal. they know, jeremy. when that womanbit you, she transferreda legacy onto you, the legacyof a secret society which has enduredfor centuries.
you're not likeother people. what the hell are you? you have new desires.you feel it, can't you? no! no longer will you treadwith ordinary men. get to the point! all right, all right. in a nutshell,you're alive, but you're not alive.
you're dead, but you're not dead. did you ever hearthe word "undead"? how about this one... "vampire"? i hope you've heard that one,because that's what you are. a v-vampire. i wanted to break itto you easy, but no...everythingwith you young people has to be fast, fast.
get out of here. i knowit's a shock. mom: jeremy? i'm not a vampire! [knocking]honey? get out of here! i thought i heard youtalking to somebody. no. that wasthe radio. it didn't soundlike the radio.
it sounded likea man's voice. well, good night. radio: ♪ way downwhere we would go... ♪ ♪ i went out on a ledgeto spend some time ♪ ♪ went out of my head, it's been some time ♪ [honk honk] you leave me alone.get out of here! i am not a vampire! what makes youso sure?
vampires drinkvirgin blood, right? i'm not a virgin. ask jenny cicero. lewis, come here. haven't you noticed yourcomplexion turning pale? what about it? how about that uncomfortableglare you feel from the sun? i can explain that. your loss of appetite?
protein deficiency. your craving for raw meat--more precisely, fresh blood? that's not true. you recognize this man? you are in grave danger,jeremy. wait. this guy'sbeen following me. we need to talk. who's that man? get in the car.
i don't know. he's not fromthe neighborhood. this man is professorleopold mccarthy, a noted historianby profession. a ruthless murdererby choice. together with hisfeeble-minded assistant, he's been waging a waragainst our kind. and he will not rest until he has wipedthe last of us
from the faceof the earth. us? vampires. stop the car, freako. i'm here to helpmake the transition from your old lifeto your new life as easy as possible. for the next few days,i'll be your tutor and, hopefully,your friend.
if you are a vampire, how can you be outin the daylight? undead vampiresmust remain in the dark, but you and iare living vampires. you'll find that andother useful information covered in this. "vampirism. a practical guide to an alternative lifestyle"? that is your bible.
read it, learn it,live it. that's it. at least take this. what? what is this? the name of a reliableall-night butcher. there's nogetting around it-- vampires drink blood. we suggest pig's blood--b negative. it's surprisinglyfull-bodied,
with a smooth flavor. just pull overand let me out, ok? believe me,i know how you feel. but read your handbook,get some sunglasses, and don't fret overdrinking a little blood. think of itas taking your vitamins. i am not a vampire. i'll pop upfrom time to time just to seehow you're doing.
i never want tosee you again, and i'm not readingthis book! and i'm not a vampire! i'm intriguedby her. there's moreto this girl than meets the eye. i hope so,for your sake. ralph, as muchas i hate it, it's your turn to drive.
you're next, capello. in the back. this time,try and stay with them. i will, professor. i warn you.any nonsense, and i'll make sureyour insurance skyrockets. [tires screech] constant, gentle pressureon the accelerator. yeah, yeah, yeah,
turn left here. you failed to checkyour mirrors. [chuckles] i beg your pardon. what the hellare you doing? look out! whoo! where are you going? oh, my god! watch it!
watch these people! endangering pedestrians. ralph, look out! easy, easy! watch that guy! hey, look out! you'll never drivein this town again. grimsdyke. that's it!
fine. let's bouncethis bozo. get back here,young man! hey! you got a problem? he's attacking! huh? oh, shit! uh...uh... uh-oh. uh, ralph?
your drivingfrightened that man into an accident! more points. hey, come back here! [saxophone playing] you're staringat me again. look, i'm really sorryabout yesterday. i really made a jerkof myself. you make mevery nervous.
i had a dream about youthe other night. are you going togross me out? no! it wasn'tlike that. um...would you go outwith me sometime? i don't know.maybe. you let me slipthrough your fingers, and you'll alwaysregret it. ok. really?
great! i'll pick you up at 7:00. wait. tonight? why not? what did he want? guess what. i've got a datefor tonight. not with that geek. darla,he's all wrong.
oh, shut up, gloria. he dreamed about me. craig morris: ♪ i hopeyou're gonna like me ♪ ♪ 'cause you'reall i'm thinkin' of ♪ ♪ your lips, your eyes,i'm hypnotized ♪ ♪ or maybe i'm in love ♪ huh. the mirror'snot working. ♪ i'm goin' throughsome changes ♪
great. ♪ sometimes i wonderwhat i can do ♪ ♪ one thing i know,i can't let go ♪ ♪ when it comesto me and you ♪ ♪ oh, when it comesto me and you ♪ doesn't anythingin this house work? [ding-dong] you must be jeremy. we're so happyto see you.
don't block the doorway,helen. let the boy in. i'm darla's father,buddy blake. you can call me buddy. oh. ok...buddy. this ismy wife helen. you'rea sharp-looking boy. isn't he, buddy? he certainly is.
well, let's seeif darla's ready. princess! your escortis here. darla: coming! would you likea drink, jeremy? no. i'm driving. of course. good answer. there she is.
isn't she lovely? come on, mom,cut it out. don't they makea cute couple, helen? just like us. ok, kids,up against the wall. mom! oh, come on, now. don't spoilyour father's fun. ready now? ok.
oh, wait, wait. helen,they're perfect. oh, this istotally humiliating! ok, big smiles, now. we'll do one more. one more for grandma. we're late.we've got to go. have a good time,princess. phew.
i'm really sorryabout that. look,i understand. don't worryabout it. i have parents,too. damn. what's wrong?didn't they turn out? piece of junk. jukebox: ♪ the first momentbetrayed her heart... ♪ ok, you ordered onegarbage-can pizza,
double on everythingbut anchovies. thank you. but ralphisn't really a jerk. he's a good guyat heart, but he thinks that i should onlydate gorgeous girls who have big... big boobsand long blonde hair and beautifullysun-tanned skin and...
ditzy. when it comes to girls, ralph's only interestedin one thing. you know. i know. ralph is, uh... can be a jerksometimes, but he'smy best friend. and, uh...
what can i say? that's ok.i understand. gloria doesn't thinkyou're hot stuff, either. i'm glad they don't pick our dates, i guess. i'm suddenly, uh... not hungry. you know, i heardyou've been sick lately. it's nothing.
maybe you havean allergy. excuse me.what's on this pizza? you ordered everything. that's pepperoni, sausage,tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, olives,peppers, and garlic. ♪ ...will make usone of a kind ♪ garlic. oingo boingo: ♪ i'm ♪ ♪ i'm ♪
♪ not the same mani was before ♪ that's his car.we've found him. ♪ i've changedmy perception ♪ ♪ i haven't lost my protection ♪ ♪ i haven't lost,ever lost ♪ ♪ but i have lostattention ♪ ♪ 2 by 2,coming to the shore ♪ ♪ boys and girls,voices joined in song ♪ ♪ firecrackersmaking so much noise ♪
♪ they all start yelling at me"everything you do is wrong!" [moaning] it's a beautiful night. yeah.i like the dark. i thinki'm a night person. jeremy, why didyou ask me out? you see someoneyou like, you want toknow them better, you ask them out.
and becausei want to prove i'm not the big jerkthat you think i am. oh, i don't thinkyou're a jerk. gloria does,but i don't. well, ralph thinksyou're a musical freak. well, gloria says you're a repulsive,sickly slime ball. ralph says--wait.that's his problem. i like youjust the way you are.
you're special. i am? yes, sir? i think i'll goand lie down for a bit. yes, professor. i'll takethe first watch. call me if you witnessanything unusual. [humming loudly] [stops humming]
out. now. pfft! jeremy... jeremy, what's wrong? you're wheezing. oh, no. jeremy, what's wrong?you're not sick, are you? stop!
wait. you can't do this! stop!please don't go. you can'tleave me here! come back! uh! wait!where are you going? darla. what happened? damn it!
jeremy capello,you blew it! [humming] find whatyou're looking for? no. the evil slimehasn't shown himself. oh, yes, he has. who are you?what do you want? why are you watching my house? stay back! you don't want me.
i'm old! my blood is pollutedwith cholesterol! get a gripon yourself. slow down, you maniac! you mad little bastard!what happened? it was horrible,professor. the monster snuck upbehind me. how? his eyes burnedlike coal...
fangs 3 inches long glisteningin the moonlight! that scum! he had me totallyunder his spell! thank god for this! p.a.: check approval on 4. can i get you anything? yes. ha ha! i'd like, um, a...
a... 2 of those. 3 t-bones. uh, and... 6 chickens,please. uh, what else? a-a quartof pig's blood. what was that last one? a quartof pig's blood.
a quart of pig's blood. a pint. a pint of pig's blood. how much for... just the blood? $2.59. first time, huh, kid? i thinki'm gonna puke. it's not bad.
it's not bad! i can't believe it. i'm a vampire! ♪ well, i'm heavenly blessedand worldly wise ♪ ♪ i'm a peeping-tom turkeywith x-ray eyes ♪ ♪ things are goin' great ♪ ♪ and they're onlygettin' better ♪ ♪ i'm doin' all right,gettin' good grades ♪ ♪ the future's so bright ♪
♪ i gotta wear shades ♪ ♪ i gotta wear shades ♪ ♪ i got a job waitin'for my graduation ♪ ♪ 50 thou a yearwill buy a lot of beer ♪ this blood'sfor you. i'm proud of you. you've got my vote for vampirerookie of the year. why is this happeningto me?
i've been good.no drugs, no alcohol. i do my homework. why me? look, try notto think of this as a handicap. there are worse thingsthan being a vampire. one of the pastpresidents of theseunited states was a vampire.
which one? that'snot the point. i'm tryingto illustrate that lifecan still be full, it can stillbe rewarding. that there arecertain advantages to being a vampire. yeah? name one. how olddo you think i am?
40? 50?so what? [ahem] this coming october, i shall celebratemy 265th birthday. for every decade, you shall agebut a single year. it's not a bad deal. you're sayingi'll be a teenager for another 20 years?
are you goingto sit around and sulkfor the next century? no... but i deservea few minutes. i happen tolike garlic. well,it's a minor loss. garlic just doesn't gowith blood. but thereare compensations. with a long life,
you're gonna havea chance to meet some of the mostfascinating people. over the years, i've known peoplelike pablo picasso, sigmund freud, isabel watson,madame curie. who's isabel watson? trust me,she was fascinating. what's more,with time on your side,
you'll havethe opportunity to pursue your intereststo their fullest. you sound likemy guidance counselor. whether you're a vampireor a regular person, you must set goals,make plans, live a full life. you can liveseveral of them. yeah, but you'reforgetting one thing-- i made a fool of myselfwith darla
because i'm a vampire. men have been makingfools of themselves for centuries where womenare concerned. luckily for us,they rather like it. she'll come around as soon as she thinksyou've suffered enough. no, no. you don'tknow darla blake. then again,there are the powers.
powers? i wish you'd readthat book. might find some pleasantsurprises in there, like how to emita certain... irresistible charm. what page? try the indexunder "trances." hey, can i turninto a bat? don't be silly.
[band playing] darla, hi. i want to explainabout last night. look,you don't have to. you came throughloud and clear. i've been goingthrough some changes. it's called puberty, jerk,and she's not interested. gloria,give it a rest. darla, he made a foolout of you.
gloria's right, you know?and you're doing it again. look, i'm sorry. give meone more chance. why should i? because i like you. i don't want ourrelationship to end before it begins. i have to get backto practice. come back.
raiseyour right hand. when i snapmy fingers, you will awaken. you will acceptmy apology. and you will go out with me on saturday night. do you understand? you've got to be kidding. ugh...
d.j.: our next selectionis from barry manilow, the man who writesthe songs... barry manilow.save it. argh! blondie: ♪ ...or another,i'm gonna lose ya ♪ ♪ i'm gonnagive you the slip... ♪ oh, no! ♪ one way or another,i'm gonna lose ya ♪ ♪ i'm gonna give youthe slip ♪
♪ one way ♪ hi, mrs. capello. oh, hi, ralph. ralph. jeremy's been actingpretty weird lately. do you have any ideawhat's wrong with him? not really.he's pretty complicated. what do you mean? he's havingsome girl problems.
that's probablyall it is. see if you can find outwhat's bothering him, ok? i will,mrs. capello. my son has a problem with girls? the goddamnwhite van is stillfollowing me. what? why is itfollowing you? is he gone? i don't get this!
ralph, i've got somethingto tell you. i'm... i'm a vampire. that's cool, man. that's all you're gonna say--"that's cool"? you want me to sayyou're crazy? remember that copthat was trailing me? he told me that womanwho bit me was a vampire. he told me i was a vampire.
a cop told you that. he wasn't a cop.he's a vampire, too. wow. you don't believe me,do you? tell you the truth,i'm kind of torn. i have this problemwith vampirism. let me showyou something. come on. let's go. go in.
watch this. well? it's a trick. a trick? yeah, david copperfielddoes this stuff. i once saw him make the statueof liberty disappear. but let meshow you something david copperfielddoesn't do.
yeah, it's redand it's liquid. is it blood? hey, ralph. what did he say? you don'twant to know. ralph,i'm his mother. i want to knowwhat's bothering him. no, you don't.trust me. some things...
are too personal. too personal? oh, my god! [wolf howls] [footsteps] just dropped into say good-bye. you're leaving? my workis finished here. terrific!
my life is ruined,and you're going on. what's gonna happen? ah, well, that'sentirely up to you. my purpose was merely to point youin the right direction. not to hold your hand forever. you will be a vampirefor a long, long time. i know. there's just...
still so much i don't know. what if i screw up? what if people find out? everybody screws up,dead or undead. people who love youwill always protect you. remember that. i just got usedto having you around. don't get sentimentalon me. oh, and by the way,
i'm going to needto park my car for the next centuryor so. you think you can lookafter it for me? you're kidding. this is great! wait till ralphsees this! the professor'safter ralph now. he thinkshe's one of us. well, it's a ratherunsavory trait of man,
that whenever he stumblesacross something different, often his first impulseis to destroy it. vampires are likeany other minority that's been persecuteddown through the ages. our reputations are a bitmore tarnished than that. i mean, people thinkwe're blood-sucking monsters. i'm afraid a few bad applesback in the dark ages spoiled itfor the rest of us. professor mccarthy is notone to forgive and forget.
what is it with this guy?what's his problem? he's quite mad,of course. but don't be misled. he posesa very real threat. you're a vampire,jeremy. use it. lewis, jeremy's behavior is justtoo peculiar to ignore. ralph says he hassome problem with girls.
yes, and i knowi heard a man's voice up in his roomthe other night. the man in the bmw. good night. jeremy!where are you going? your father and i are here to talk about anythingthat might be bothering you. that's great, mom. lewis.
do you have anythingyou want to tell us? just good night. where didhe get that car? it's that samearctic-blue bmw 735. [car engine starts] what does thatlicense plate mean? not gettingany of my blood. go away! come on, open up.i'm not going to hurt you.
that's far enough,count dracula. look, ralph,will you cut it out? i had to tell somebody. why did ithave to be me? 'cause you'remy best friend. i need you. so i can lureyoung virgins back to your lairfor a midnight snack? not me, pal.
don't be a jerk. this is too much, man. ralph, i'm stillthe same person. i'm not some monster. ok. let me think. ok, we're in this thingtogether, all right? my lips are sealed. just make sure yoursstay that way, too. i don't want to wake upa few pints low.
so nowwhat do we do? [loud punk music] what are we doing here? if vampires really havesecret powers over women, you can't hold outon your best friend. look at these girls. i haven't evenread this yet. you'll do fine. just wing it.look, i'm not choosy, ok? tall blonde,skinny brunette.
i'll take anything. almost anything. come on.let's go over here. that girl. like her? go to it,count capello. do your thing. what a hunk! him?
that face. that body. now he's a walking sex machine. missedby that much. my god, it's an entiresatanic cult! grimsdyke,you take the back. be careful. the blondeat the bar.
and nothingfancy, ok? a simple love slavewill do. love slave! jeremy:one love slave to go! hey, nice glasses. is it ok if we goto your place? my parentswouldn't understand all the screamingand moaning coming frommy bedroom.
satisfied? her. if i blow it,you're on your own. you understand? well, just nail her. make me your love slave! get the hell off me, man! grimsdyke! professor! no!
pull yourself together! who is that guy, man? let's get out of here! did you get him? ooh! uhh! here, hold this. i'll be right back. don't just sit there,grimsdyke.
they're getting away! ralph, there's somethingi forgot to tell you. there's some nutcaserunning around trying to wipe vampiresout of existence. he's the guy who torchedthe gardner place. don't worry. i won't let himget to you. he drives the white van-- the guy that's beenfollowing you?
what are you saying? they think i'm a vampire? they can't bethat stupid. if they kill me,i'm dust. if they kill you, it's murder, right? yeah. great.thanks a lot. we have to facethe facts, honey. our son is gay. how do you feelabout that? i really wantedgrandchildren.
linda moore: ♪ whoa, oh ♪ ♪ the look on your face,the silent finesse ♪ ♪ cuts throughthe magnetic bond ♪ ♪ clearing a pathfor the flow of your breath ♪ ♪ your speechis a gold, magic wand ♪ ♪ you call for the... ♪ oh, my god! there he is. she's here, stud. corner table.don't look.
don't look! don't look. ♪ ...splendor ♪ ♪ never lets you escape... ♪ this is dumb. ♪ from the ♪ ♪ the power ♪ ♪ the powerof your suggestion ♪ ♪ your hypnotic... ♪
hi, darla. you never give up,do you? darla? you're importantto me. i don't know, jeremy. i like you,but you're so weird. he'll freak out again. i won't freak out,i promise. look, i hadsome problems before, ok,
but i'm fine now. don't make me beg. make him beg. i'm begging. don't make any foolhardyattempt to run away. this revolver ispointing at your navel. it's loadedwith silver bullets. you will slowlyget up and walk to that vanparked in the street.
if you so muchas bat an eyelid, i won't hesitateto use this. is that clear? very. very. let's go. ok, i'll give youone more chance. yah-hoo! hoo-hoo! that wasn't too weird,was it?
you think i'm gonna gobananas any minute, but i'm not. where's ralph? he just leftwith a couple of freaks. that's themover there in that van. come on. ♪ power of your suggestion ♪ wait! don't go! hurry! get in!
are we stealingthis car? hey, look. you guys are makinga big mistake here. i'm not a vampire.i hate the taste of blood. i hate the sight of blood. professor, maybe he's tellingthe truth. lies! all lies!don't listen, grimsdyke. these bastardswill say anything
to protecttheir black hearts. you promisedyou wouldn't freak out. sorry. my best friend'sabout to be murdered. murdered? by whom? it's a long story. it's really methey should be after me. professor mccarthy.he's a maniac. thinks ralph'sa vampire. that's crazy.
of course it's crazy. ralph's not the vampire. i'm the vampire. oh, my god. there they are! somebody'sfollowing us. that's right, pal. the fbi, the cia,the national guard, and when all this is over,
my dad is goingto kick your ass. evasive action,grimsdyke. i'm not crazy, ok? please believe me.i need your help. modoc told me, "someone that really careswill never let you down." modoc? he's--he's myvampire adviser. you're gonna kill us!
remember what we saidabout being different? different, yes. like being talleror skinnier or wearing braces or maybe even beinga little bit weird. but not beinga vampire! cops! all right!hang on, ralph! police radio: bmw.license plate niteman. westboundon allen parkway.
32 x-rayrequest assist. all units in vicinityof allen parkway roll to assist 32 x-ray, pursuit of a bluebmw westbound-- oh! oh! you ok? ha ha ha! hang on, darla. good work,grimsdyke.
it looks likethe cavalry has been cut offat the pass. freeze! you kids all right? yeah.i think so. we have to stopthe white van! they're goingto kill ralph! take it easy, kid.you're in shock. they're goingto murder him.
relax. we'll get youan ambulance. listen to me. they're crazy.they're vampire hunters. they think my friend is a vampire. they've kidnapped him,and they will kill him. hey, wally,looks like we got another vampire hunton our hands. another one? see?
we better call in a code vand get after him. go on, kids. let's getto the car. let's go! you can't do this! yeah, right. sober up, kid. ralph's going to die,and it's all my fault. maybe not.
i don't believeyou're going to do this! you don't believe it? [engine starts] holy shit! come on!hurry up! that was great! i could befalling for you. don't pushyour luck. this is 1-adam-12.
put out an a.p.b.on a white ford van seen heading northon henderson way. oh, and mom, radio: this reallyisn't my fault. i had to stealthis police car in orderto save ralph. and, mom, i'd like youto meet darla blake. hello, mrs. capello. she's great, mom.you'll love her.
hurry up, lewis!run! our son's in trouble! where are you,buddy? i thinkthey went that way. where? that way. radio: stolen police unittraveling north on highway 41. proceed with caution. perpetrator is presumedarmed and dangerous.
repeat. perp presumed armed and dangerous. that's our baby! turn there! we'll releasethe creature's soul on sanctified ground. you piece of junk!haul ass! you heard him!haul ass! hang on, ralph. [organ playing bach's toccata & fugue]
will you stop that? come here. you do this one. me, professor? yes, you. right. now... you hit the stakein the center, hard enoughto drive the shaft through the rib cage,into the chest cavity,
piercing the heart. go on. [muffled cries] i can't do it. i've never hurta human being in my life. wait! there it is! you spineless creature,grimsdyke. now i've gotto do it myself. may god have mercyon your soul!
i know what thismust look like. how aboutattempted murder? no. you're mistaken. we're just performinga little exorcism. this is a vile, disgustingcreature of the night. a vampire. we're the good guys! you kill him, and you'll fryfor murder one, pal.
guaranteed. no way. there won'teven be a corpse. he'll crumble to dustbefore your very eyes. wait! wait! wait! if he is a vampire, that's one thing. if he isn't,an innocent guy is dead. that's a chancei'm prepared to take. forget it! let's see some proof.
what's in your littlevampire hunter's kit? you have a crucifix,right? maybe he'sa jewish vampire. what else have you got? a string of garlic. and you were goingto kill this guy? holy water, right? good idea. nothing worsethan a dirty vampire. if i kill him witha stake through the heart,
he's definitelya vampire. a stake through the heartwould kill anything. this evidence wouldn'tbe too persuasive at your murder trial. grimsdyke,you've made a mistake. let him go. a mistake? that's all? no apology?
no "i'm sorry, ralph"? "i beg your pardon, ralph." "sorry about that stakethrough your heart, ralph." you sly littleblood-sucker you. ralph! ralph! the car! wait! the car is over there. no problem. follow me.
you know silver bulletsserve the same purpose as a stakethrough the heart. you have me. let them go. they're onlyinnocent bystanders. your heroic pleahas been noted and rejected. do you really think i'll let you kill me,my friends?
i don't seehow can you prevent it? you forget,professor. that has certainadvantages. you've abandonedyour precious tools. you have no crucifix, no garlic,no holy water. grimsdyke!shoot him! i can't! luckily for you,
i don't kill people. aren't you gonnadrain my blood? you sound disappointed. no.just surprised. pleasantlysurprised. didn't you hear me? i'm letting you go. i'll never stopcoming after you. why? what do i haveto do, kill you?
rip your heart out? do it, jeremy. let's share a toast with his blood. nora! you've returnedfrom the grave. of course.i'm a vampire. who's she? join me, jeremy, in a tasteof immortality,
starting withthe professor's blood. surely, you wouldn't-- you were eager enoughto kill me. that was different. go, professor. you see, we're not allthe insidious creatures you'd like to believe. all we want is a chanceto live in peace without someone trying to rama stake through our hearts.
[applause] bravo, my boy, bravo. i've waited a long time to get you intomy sights, old man. my dear professor, why does it haveto be this way? when will you understandthat i'm not your enemy? [gunshots] grimsdyke, where didyou get these bullets?
now i'll have to rip himapart with my bare hands. but first, allow meto introduce some friends. [clap clap] [laughter] this is getting interesting. oh, no! not that! what are they gonnado to me? oh, my goodness. no, don't let themtake me away!
don't let themtake me away! grimsdyke, help me! grimsdyke! aah! what will happento him? what better wayto vanquish an enemy than to make himan ally. mccarthy: help me! hey, are those chickscoming back or what? wait a minute.you were shot...
with silver bullets! jeremy, once again, you're guilty of notreading your handbook. silver bulletsare an effective means of dispatching werewolves,not vampires. i don't even wantto get into werewolves. what have theydone to you? well, this is an ironicturn of events. isn't it, grimsdyke?
what's to becomeof you? maybe i'll runwith the pack for awhile, see what happens. i feel20 years younger. bye, grimsdyke. i'm afraidthat's our signal. you're welcometo join us, jeremy. you'd be among friends,with others like yourself. thanks, modoc,
but i have schooltomorrow. besides, i have a few friendsright here. good-bye, jeremy. good-bye, modoc. ok, listen,next time you're in town, give me a call. we'll go outfor a drink. bloody marys.
come, children.away! this has beenone hell of a night. i've gottaread that book. boo! aah! aah! oh, look, lewis! there they are,over there! look, honey!turn around! uh, hi, mom.hi, dad.
guess i've gotsome explaining to do. we know you've been goingthrough this change lately. you knew?you knew all along? we're not blind,jeremy. we know what'sgoing on in the world. we don't want to bepart of your problem. just be happywith who you are. incredible. oh! mom, dad.
this is darla blake. she's mynew girlfriend. ohh! we're very, very happyto meet you. unbelievable! timbuk 3:♪ i study nuclear science ♪ ♪ i love my classes ♪ ♪ i got a crazy teacher,he wears dark glasses ♪ ♪ things are going great ♪
♪ and they'reonly getting better ♪ ♪ the future's so bright,i gotta wear shades ♪ ♪ and they'reonly gettin' better ♪ ♪ ow! ow! ow! ♪ ♪ ow! ow! ♪ ♪ i study nuclear science,i love my classes ♪ captioning performed bythe national captioninginstitute, inc.
