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[ slow acoustic guitarmusic plays ] [ dart hits ] [ indistinct conversations,glasses clinking ] man: come on. good, lad. shh. shh. [ men cheering ] good, mate. come on, lads.
[ indistinct conversations ] mmm. [ clattering ] [ alarm clock ringing ] [ ringing stops ] sandra. [ sleepily ] mm. i'll -- i'll see youat 11:00. mm.
morning, bike. ahh. stay. stay. [ chuckles ] [ introduction toglen campbell's "everythinga man could need" plays ] ♪ looking back on the days ♪ ♪ when i was scuffling for a buck ♪ ♪ not overly concerned with life and love ♪ ♪ i was always feeling sorry for myself and my bad luck ♪
♪ i never stopped to think what life's made of ♪ ♪ with my nose to the grindstone ♪ ♪ and my shoulder to the wheel ♪ ♪ i fought for my daily dollar like a man ♪ ♪ then you came into my life and nothing else seemed real ♪ ♪ i found the answer right here in my hands ♪ ♪ now i've got everything a man could ever need ♪ ♪ i've got dreams to dream ♪ ♪ and songs to sing in the morning ♪
[ beeps ] ♪ i've got hands to hold my baby child ♪ ♪ and eyes to watch my woman smile ♪ ♪ i've got everything a man could ever need ♪ ♪ now my working days seem shorter ♪ ♪ than they ever did before ♪ ♪ and the evening breeze gets cooler day by day ♪ ♪ and the morning sun is always shining ♪ ♪ down on my back door ♪
♪ and your laughter washes all my tears away ♪ how are you, geoff? not bad, col.how's business? booming. [ indistinct chatteron police radio ] pretty good gamelast night, eh? play like that every week, and we'll be in the premiernext season. yeah.
zippy hada cracking game. treble 19, 10,and double 16. calm as a dead horse. you did all right. aye.not bad. so, sorted outthe travel plans? next couple of days. blackpool, eh? athletic arms on tour.heh.
deno was saying that, uh,bristow's got arthritis again. has he heck. that's what i said. it's 'cause his missusisn't lettin' him go, you know. "deno," i said, "it's'cause your missusisn't lettin' you go." right. uh, geoff. oh, i'll catch youlater, col. i-i'll be orderingyour darts after.
woman on radio: you never know what you'll find. discover a wide selection of top-quality sofas, beds, chairs, dining tables, and much, much more. grace's walls and tables offer massive savings on everything. grace's walls and tables -- you'll really like what you find. grace's walls and tables, where they just don't sell tables. [ telephone ringing ]
oh, hello. uh, yes, do you stockthe power point darts? that's not fair. have you got 26 grams? [ sniffs ] oh. 23? all right, sandra? not bad.
morning, sandra. colin:do they have the barrel release and flight safe as well? why aren't you at school? yeah. i'm sick. what about you? i'm sick, too. what about you? me?
i'm sick. well, get home, then. yeah, have they got the, uh, retractable in the barrel when you pull them out? [ door closes ] man on television: now, they say charity begins at home. our next guest... nice sleep, love? fine.
i had to order geoff a set of 23s. he don't use them.they're too light. they didn't havethe ones he wanted. you should have rung him first. he won't wantto pay for 'em. all right. well, i'll --i'll see you later. see you later. [ up-tempo music plays ]
man: six times world champion, the greatest player of all time. if you want to know about darts, listen to eric. game on! hi, i'm eric bristow,and i'll give you some of my top tipson how to play better darts. first we're gonna getyour grip right, then we're gonna getyour stance right, then we're gonna get you to use your body weight
in the right way to improve your game. [ darts hit ] it's all about feelingcomfortable. you must feel comfortableon the oche. man: the way it is structured and remolded man #2: yeah. are, for the voyeur, absolutely fantastic. mm. right. your go.
picasso says, "any act of creation is an act of destruction." as soon as you painted a picture -- it's a bit like painting your bathroom wall. is it? it becomes so much else. is it that easy? no, it just becomesa different color. no. a little bit furtherto your right.
where'd that go? no, furtherto your right, i said. hang on, shady. whoa. give me the dart. i'll show youhow to do it. thank you very much. you ready? double top. [ silence ]
where'd it go? i don't know. [ laughs ] got ya! man: nothing wrong with a little diversity. you learn a hell of a lot watching that. he's very interesting. right, right.it's the blackpool kitty. oh, here we go.
what about it? look, i'm gettingthe luxury coach. i'm gonna put the depositdown on it. all right. here, i'll give you a fiver now, and i'll get some change. i'm getting onewith a video in it as well. nice one. what about them,you see? can i get you one in,love? ah, go on, then.
man: well, now, that's "tuba-tellies," isn't it? do you want a drink, duck?geoff's buying. man: who is it? oh, i'll have, uh,a pint of -- tinky-winky. a pint of bitter, please. right, a pint of bitter. please, monty. man: i wish she'd just piss off.
you all right, bob? only halves for him. what does he mean by that, anyway? cheers, mate. hey, love. where'd you spring from? evening, lads. you in good nick tonight,colin? uh, need to be,with this lot.
play, do you? not much. i don't mind watching,though. my god,it's p.c. road tax. i'm not sittingin your seat, am i? yes, you are. oh, dear me. i am sorry. i better move on beforei get done for loitering. hey, settle down.
ready for a stuffingtonight, lads, eh? visitors over there. [ clicks tongue ] nik nik. [ chuckles ] [ clears throat ] i'd forgotten it wasthat little prick. we gotta beatthis lot, lads. right, colin,you're first up. let's get this game on.
[ introduction to "the moonwas yellow" plays ] ♪ the moon was yellow ♪ ♪ and the night was young ♪ ♪ a smile brought us together ♪ ♪ and i was wond'ring whether ♪ ♪ we'd meet again someday ♪ ♪ and a song was sung ♪ ♪ that vocal inspiration ♪ ♪ gave me the inclination ♪
♪ to give my heart away ♪ ♪ here we are ♪ ♪ is our romance to continue? ♪ ♪ will it be my luck to win you? ♪ ♪ may i look that far? ♪ hello, hello, hello. ♪ ah ♪ [ bed creaking, geoff grunting ] ♪ my love is mellow ♪
madam, i will ask you to come quietly. ♪ and my hopes are strung ♪ oh, no, i won'tcome quietly. madam! ♪ around that cupid fellow ♪ [ thud ] ♪ behold, the moon is yellow ♪ [ panting ] ♪ and the night is young ♪
oh! oh! oh, you bastard! "the male may betoo old to produce sperm." bollocks. "he may begenetically sterile. he may have become steriledue to damage of his gonads." oh. hmph. "none of these are fixable. the only solutionis to find another male." what do you reckon,geoff?
i want usto be together, sand. what are you talking about? i want us to be togetherwhen we're in blackpool. it could be our first triptogether as a couple. you want meto leave colin? colin doesn't have owti couldn't give you. i couldn't keep me handsoff you last night. i noticed. oh...
think about walking downthe golden mile together, lookingat the illuminations, seeing the tower. hey, we could go see"grumbleweeds," couldn't we? hmm. yeah, we could goand see the aquarium. anything --anything you want. i do like blackpool. there's a look of defeaton eric bristow's face
as colin the lightning lowsteps onto the oche. these three darts could decidethis year's world championships. 20. 2 darts. he needs 19, and then double 8. [ water dripping ] he's got the 19. the crowd's hushed up. bristow shakes his head.
it's too late for that, eric. double 8 for the match. [ clicks ] oh, bugger. [ sighs ] [ pats ] where does she keep the change? sandra: see you tomorrow, geoff. geoff: about 9:00ish.
geoff: hey, sandra... lights are out. give us a kiss. [ smooches ] oy!neighbors! good night. geoff: good night. [ breathing raggedly ] [ key rattles in lock ] sandra: colin?
you still up, duck? i didn't wake you,did i? uh, no, no.i were, uh -- i-i were up. you all right? what were all that about,sandra? what? i s-- i saw thee --i-i saw it. saw what?
geoff. yeah, geoff. you know what he's like. he were just soddingabout, colin. now, don't be daft. come on,let's go to bed. [ gasps ] colin! i left in the night,thinking he were outwith his mates. what's going on?
nothing's going on! i just got a lift back,didn't i?! what's wrong with you? i should have bloody known. the man has his hands on youall the bloody time. i-i-i thought you'd have brainsto know better than that, sand. one of me mates?! the bloody captain! colin, let me --
i just saw that, sandra! i saw it. oh! aah! i've left him. geoff and me got to thinking that we were wantingto get together. geoff? yeah, there's two sides to it, eh, lads?
me and her, yeah. we couldn't stop it,like, eh? but after what she's been through at home, well, that's not right for no lady. no, no, no, no.it needs saying, duck. hey, if you're sayingthat our colin has beena bad man at home, then i don't believe that. he's as calm as cow shiton the lawn. yeah?
well, it's the truth. show 'em your wrist, duck. come on, eh?look at this. eh?look at that. now, i couldn't stand byand let something like that happen to our sand,eh, could i? and not do somethingabout it, could i? hey. so as captain,i've made a tough decision.
colin's off the team. shady's in. now, we're gonna concentrate on tonight's game, are we? win this one. good warm-up for blackpool,isn't it? [ pounding on door ] [ children shoutingin distance ] [ footsteps ] [ rapping on glass ] young man: where is he?
young man #2: i don't know, man. i'm starving. [ sobs ] [ reel clicking ] who needs blackpool, eh? [ sniffs ] we'll have the crack, though,won't we, zip? colin... always be honest, eh?
you don't live long enoughto be kidding. you both love blackpool, colin. she's talked about nowt else for the last three months... blackpool thisand blackpool that. and now she's going. and you ain't even gonna bloody go. what ifshe don't come back? you'll look back in about 30 years, when you stayed home...
and didn't even put upa bloody fight. hey, up.anthony and cleopatra. all right, lads. hey up, lads. hey up, sand. all fit for blackpool,then? deno. [ vehicle approaches ] i got let downby the luxury coach, lads.
but at least we won'tget stopped for speeding. there you go. [ engine sputtering ] ...to the shirts,will you? come on, deno. blackpool, a week? haven't even got a video. trevor, you getin the back. don't be scheming.get in there.
i can't go in there. i've got claustrophobia. oh, shut up, trevor. you ride in stylewith me, love. there we go. ooh.blackpool, here we come. good luck. aw. [ keys rattle ] take good careof her, eh?
we will. [ engine turns over ] see you, then. see ya. ♪ a lady was walking on a midsummer's day ♪ ♪ the birds they were whistlingso merrily and gay ♪ ♪ along came a white steed in the finest array ♪ ♪ and it carried a young man ♪ [ barking ]
♪ these words he did say ♪ ♪ come live by the great moon ♪ ♪ that rules the strong tide ♪ ♪ climb up on me horse, love ♪ ♪ and be my sweet bride ♪ [ telephone rings ] colin: hello? hello. it's me.
where are you? i'm at -- i'm at cornerof wilcox road, and i'm just ringingto say i'm all right. how's it all back there? it's all right. speak up. [ louder ]it's all right. right. good. well...i'll see you soon.
bye. see ya. ♪ she's up in the saddle ♪ ♪ and away they did ride ♪ ♪ the horse skipped and danced ♪ ♪ over waves on the tide ♪ ♪ she's only remembered ♪ ♪ by this story i tell ♪ ♪ from an old man on horseback ♪
♪ who once knew her well ♪ ♪ that rules the strong tide ♪ ♪ climb up on me horse, love ♪ ♪ and be my sweet bride ♪ [ video games beeping ] are you ready to order? c-can i have sausage,beans, eggs, and chips? you want mushrooms? i'm on the road, love.
are ya? i'm offup to blackpool. las vegas of the north. are the -- are the portionsbigger than in these pictures? i'm in the service businesswith sand. nothing worse than someonebeing rude to you, is there? i hate it when they come inand -- and grunt and bend the corners backon the magazines without no intentionof buying them,
and -- and thenthey're off again without so muchas an "all right." don't it drive you mad? is that everything? ah. be about five minutes. well, thanks a lot.i'll see you again. computerized voice: 3...2...1... go!
[ engine revving ] ♪ if that's all you love now ♪ ♪ come riding with me ♪ ♪ you'll live in my castle ♪ ♪ deep under the sea ♪ ♪ you'll sleep in my gold bed ♪ ♪ my fine silken sheets ♪ ♪ and have gifts of great beauty ♪ ♪ from all that you meet ♪
[ crow cawing ] [ men laughing and shouting ] [ cheering ] [ indistinct shouting,laughter ] you had a word with them ladsabout tearin' up beermats? you've only hadtwo in the last hour. can you not help us outa bit, ron? work to live,not work to live. live to live or...work.
any, uh, any chanceof getting the legover tonight? [ indistinct jeering ] [ cracks ] nice old helmetyou got there. harley? honda. gold wing? 50. heading up to blackpool.
blackpool... [ sighs ] i've had some mucky timesover there. ooh, bloody hell, i have. nearly got meself intoa "mensch a la trois" once. las vegas of the north,is that. ah. wouldn't happen to havea nice local beer, would you? it's funnyyou should say that. got oneof me own concoctions here.
wicked weasel,mark iv. mark iv? it's from a good lineof prototypes. wouldn't botherif i were you. shut it, mandy. i've had no complaints yet. that's 'causeyou hadn't sold any. well, a new productneeds time to find its market. â£2.40.
[ laughter ] you're not supposed tosit on that swing. it's broken. not a-bloody-gain, ebony. why do you have to tamperwith the bloody swings?! i haven't done anything. i'm all right. it's not bloody on, this! you're gonna bankrupt me.some bugger'll sue us.
no, it just broke. things don'tjust bloody break willy-nilly. hands tamper withthe objects that feed.go on -- inside. i won't bloody tell you twice. you want me to getyour mum out here? could you do usa refill? [ camera whirs ] smell that. excuse me.
sorry, mate, i can't drink that. i don't know. it's off.i'll have a bottle. a bottle? he drank it.there's nowt wrong with me wicked weasel,is there, lad? no, no,i'll have a bottle. do you want a game, mate? if -- if you want to,yeah. yeah?
woman: go on, ian. my name's ian. uh, colin. me mates call me "col." cheers. i had eric bristowin here last year. played a gameon this very board. oh.on this one? me and eric.
eric bristow... beat him and all. no, he didn't. i nearly did. if you've gotnothing better to do, can you go and sort out that daughter of yours? she's causing bloody carnage in the car park. sarah:is he still alive? of coursehe's still alive.
six times world champion.bristow. six times world championat darts, though. sarah, you don't understandthe first thing about darts, so don't start now. how many ends you wantto play, mate? it's legs. it's ends. no, ian, it's legs. is it?!
don't laugh. all right.come on. ow! ow! aw, shit.you all right? i'm sorry.sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. it's all right.it's just a scratch. i didn't mean to do that. i didn't mean to do that. i know you didn't.
i was only playing. [ smooching ] [ sighs ] "one driver, kidding himself he was heading north, "covered hundredsof miles of the m25. "stopped to ask the police the directionsto turn off to durham." mm-hmm. "and discovered he was only 15miles from his home in kent."
"and another en route fromlancashire to middlesex "pulled into an m25 lay-by "in a stateof glassy-eyed confusion "almost two days later. "he'd been around once too often and was temporarily witless." all right, colin. s-sorry. she trying it on, col?
no, i-i-i was just erectingme tent. oh, look, ian,you've embarrassed him now. what are you talking about? you're the one flashing your tits at him. no, wasn't doing it. it was just me gettinga gaze in, is all, going for me pegs. col... mate, can i ask youa personal question? [ scissors snipping ]
when did youlast have it cut? i can't remember. i used to cutmy brother's hair. he was like you.he had loads of it. [ snipping continues ] did you know there's some folk music on tonight, colin? do you like, uh --do you like folk? me and sandra don't reallylisten to music. more into the telly,really.
that bobby davro'sme favorite. he's oh-so cheeky. a little bit of a tit,though, isn't he? [ blows hair ] your wife's gonna love that, mate. what's this? finishing touches. stick it on. ron: and for those of you feeling peckish,
there are hot pies available at the bar. and could -- could i just ask people to please stop pissing inthe car park? kindly use the urinals provided. ladies and gentlemen,kate rusby. [ applause ] i wouldn't clap yet.you've not heardthe songs, you know. [ scattered laughter ] anyway...
this first one is a songcalled "the fairestof all yarrow." [ slow music plays ] you look different. uh, it's the hair. how much? oh, you're all right.he's not looking. thanks very much. she with you, is she? hello!
♪ and billy promised to marry me ♪ ♪ if e'er he'd marry any ♪ ♪ she sought him east ♪ ♪ and she sought him west ♪ ♪ she sought him broad and narrow ♪ ♪ she sought him into another's arms ♪ ♪ the fairest of all yarrow ♪ how's it feel?you itch? it's a little bit itchy.yeah.
it looks good though,mate. ♪ all yarrow ♪ [ music ends ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very muchindeed. you're kind of quiet tonight,though. it's probably 'causeyou're in awe of mewith me glamorous skirt. anyway, um, this next songwe're gonna do is a song called "i wonder what is keepingmy true love this night."
[ slow guitar music plays ] ♪ i wonder what is keeping my true love this night ♪ ♪ i wonder what is keeping him out of my sight ♪ ♪ i wonder if he knows of the pain i endure ♪ ♪ and stays from me this night i'm not sure ♪ ♪ oh, love, are you coming, your cause to advance? ♪ ♪ or yet are you waitingfor a far, far better chance? ♪ ♪ are you coming for to tell meyou've a new love in store? ♪ ♪ or are you coming for to tell me ♪
♪ you love me no more? ♪ who's the mystery woman? it's me wife. i'm off up to see herin blackpool. oh! she's gonna be surprisedwhen she sees you. probably. [ instrumental solo ] colin: so cliff lazarenko needed double top for the match.
right. and eric needed 134,right? and he got it? but it were the wayhe went about it. yeah, but he got it? uh, he -- he got it. sarah, let the mantell his story. ian, it's anotherdarts anecdote, though. so?
go on, col. ah, bugger. her's right.it's boring. no more dart stories. hear! hear! yeah! hear! hear! god knows whati'll talk about now, though. have i showed youme toothbrush trick? watch this.
what's his toothbrush trick? he's off to surprisehis wife in blackpool. oh, really? you've never surprised me. why don't yousurprise me? oh, don't start. this trick, right,was shown to me by my very good friendcraig. that's great.straight in the fire.
have you gotanother one? if it was poetry, it just wouldn't stand. he tried all the timeto write the last line... but he always put too manywords in the last sentence to make it workas a poem. oh, i've gotto get me head down. i think i'll join you. ooh! [ smooches ]
colin... [ grunts ] good night, mate. i've hada-a bloody good night. you -- you'vetaken me in lovely. i-i feel like jesusin the barn. shh, shh, shh. except i-i'm not religious. [ ticking ]
sand. [ insect buzzing ] bloody hell. "colin, have a great journey. "see you on the road. sarah and ian." isn't that nice? [ heavy-metal rock musicplaying ] [ telephone ringing ]
shh! hello? oh, right. yeah.hi. yeah. brilliant.great. yeah, yeah.[ chuckles ] w-when are youcoming back, then? right. okay.right. customers!gotta go. bye. [ receiver clicks ]
[ yodeling music plays ] [ yodeling music continues ] [ motor humming ] [ jingling ] save the trees!save the trees! trees, not roads! save the trees! save the trees. would you likea cheese sandwich?
i wouldn't say no,actually. thank you. man: listen to the trees. every one of these trees has a story to tell. when they built that dam, do you know how many thousandsof trees were killed? 100-year-old homesto birds and insects. all washed away. all their stories lost forever.
people saythat you can hear the ghosts of the birdsand insects looking fortheir lost homes. [ bird calls ] listen. [ bird fluttering ] the spiritof the forest. [ birds chirping ] i know a story.
there were this woman,right, with this ring, and -- and this bloke that -- that pulled it offher finger. she died. or he killed her.it -- it don't matter. and -- and he tried t-to pull itoff, but he couldn't. and -- and then all thesepeople arrived, right, and -- and took her away. and -- and -- well, anyway,she were buried.
and this bloke --he digs her up. and -- and he -- and he triesto take it off with a saw, or -- or -- or a knifeor something, and then does allthese things and that, and then he's -- he's at home. and then boo!no. bang! something like that,anyway. [ slow classical music plays ] [ music continues ]
[ squeaks ] [ paper rustling ] woman: come on, girls. let's move on. [ girls giggling ] [ coin plops, water splashes ] excuse. have you got two 20sand a 10 for 50p, have you? throw the lot in.it'll double your luck.
did you make a wish? uh... are you in charge of that lot,then, are you? no one's in charge. look at you, bike. colin: hello! [ sloshing ] ew! uhh.
that were, uh --that were my bike. ah. the girls thoughtit needed a bit of color. i hope you don't mind. no, no, no. i-i thoughtit were really... beautiful. [ horn honking ] [ children squealing,honking continues ] [ moos ]
there were this woman died. were this -- this ring that this bloketried to pull off her -- no. no, he didn't. she died. or -- or he killed her. i-it don't matter. and, uh... is this oneany good for ya?
couldn't have done that without you. [ laughter,indistinct conversations ] i knew the first time i saw hershe was the girl i'd marry. and i did.[ chuckles ] childhood sweethearts. and you've been happyever since? happy ever since. where is she now, then? blooming heck, i feellike i'm in a drivinglesson or something.
sorry. her's up in blackpoolplaying bunny rabbit with p.c. bloodygeoff bloody atkins. i'm going up to blackpool to bring her home. i'll make her happy. i've always made her happy. she wanted a newsagents, so i-i got hera newsagents. she -- she -- she wantedher own house,
so -- so i-i got herher own house. she didn't want kiddies... so we didn't have kiddies. she wanted tropical fish. she had everything she wanted. and now it's all changed. everything's changingall the time, colin. that's what life is. [ girls shouting, laughing ]
i best get off. yes. where are yougoing, colin? yeah, where are yougoing, colin? bye, colin. very nice to have had youwith us. it was good being here. cheerio, colin. goodbye!
all the best. goodbye! drive safely, colin! good luck! [ indistinct shouting ] goodbye, colin! see ya! [ wind gusting ] [ crash ]
[ breathing heavily ] [ metal clatters ] [ inhales sharply ] [ kate rusby's"drowned lovers" plays ] ♪ willie sits in his stable door ♪ ♪ and he's combing his coal-black steed ♪ ♪ he's doubting on fair margaret's love ♪ ♪ and his heart begins to bleed ♪ ♪ "give corn unto me horse, mother ♪
♪ "and meat to my man, john ♪ ♪ "and i'll away to fair margaret's bower ♪ ♪ before the night comes on" ♪ ♪ "stay at home with me, dear willie ♪ ♪ "oh, stay at home with me ♪ ♪ "and the very best cock in all the roost ♪ ♪ your own supper will be" ♪ ♪ "of all your cocks and all your roosts ♪ ♪ "i value not a pin ♪
♪ before the night comes in" ♪ ♪ he's ridden o'er yon high, high hill ♪ ♪ and down yon downy den ♪ ♪ and the rushin' in of the clyde water ♪ ♪ would fear 500 men ♪ ♪ "oh, roaring clyde, you roar so loud ♪ ♪ "your streams are wondrous strong ♪ ♪ "make me a wreck as i come back ♪ ♪ but spare me as i'm gone" ♪
[ horn honks ] aye, aye,it's the lone ranger. you still goingto blackpool? uh, so is me, mandy,and, uh -- hop in. move over, ebony, will ya? will you open that bloody door?! you're not me dad.don't tell me what to do. i'm sick of you.
mandy, will you havea word with her? w-where's your bike? bike? her's dead. have you, uh, ever beenin a jag before, colin? no. beautiful car. beautiful car. the, uh,missus thinks i've gone
to blackpool on business,doesn't she, mand? falls for it every time, the woman does. well, you got to getyourself away now andagain, don't you, col? what's the point of hanging 'round with the same woman when there's beauties like mand walking about, eh? i, uh,gave our mand a job 'cause, uh, she's gota little kid, haven't you? you need the money when you're bringing them up by yourself, don't you?
and a bit of fun and all. i don't know why some blokes haven't seen the light, colin. you know, folkshave just got to get away from their marriage every nowand again, haven't they, eh? [ siren wailing ] oh, shit.oh, f-- ebony, for christ's sake. were you pulling faces at that copper? jesus. je-- not again.
[ groans ] [ indistinct talking on radio ] [ ron talking indistinctly ] i think you'll really likethe tower. officer: now, it's â£60... you know, when it first opened,there was a zoo near the top. it had a lionin a small cage. i'm allergic to lions. are you?
well, that were -- that werereplaced by an indoor garden. with waterfallsand fountains and that. i bet that were boring. well, now... it's an adventure playground for kiddies. it's called jungle jim's. i don't like jungles. what will you dowhen you get there? i'm...
i'm going to seesome friends. [ footsteps approaching,door opens ] [ exhales deeply ] what's 60 quid splitfour ways? [ introduction to "wild goose"plays ] ♪ do you ever see the wild goose ♪ ♪ sailing on the ocean? ♪ ♪ ranzo, me boys ♪ ♪ oh, ranzo ray ♪
♪ they're just like them pretty girls... ♪ mandy: blackpool tower. look. ron: where? there. i can't see it. oh. typical, though, isn't it? our mandy will spot a big erection from 10 mile off. [ laughs ] how would you know? ♪ as the wild goose sails away ♪
[ women shouting and laughing ] ♪ as i was walking one evening by the river ♪ ♪ i met with a pretty girl ♪ ♪ my heart, it was aquiver ♪ ♪ oh, ranzo, you'll rue the day ♪ it's not what i rememberat all. blackpool hasn't changed.it's the people that come here. look at it. middle england.
knackered. i remember when blackpoolwas full of people who had flair and style. nowadays it's full of nastyyouths and drunken hen parties. no class. not the kind of placefor a romantic weekend, then? perfect, colin. well, there's cheap bedrooms,isn't there? [ gulls crying ]
ebony: you can't park here. it's a disabled space. oh, just limp when you get out,you daft cow. don't call hera daft cow. tell her to stop actinglike one, then. hear them, colin?they're more troublethan they're worth. get the bags, will you? hello.welcome to the nessun dorma. wait a minute. you'll be wanting a room, then,will you?
i'd like, uh, a single roomfor the girls. okay. and a double room for me. you two gents will be sharing,will you? no, no. oh, it's not a problemif you do. um, we have a very liberalattitude in here. no, no.we -- we won't be sharing. but, uh, thank you very muchfor asking.
i'm -- i'm not staying. oh.well, please yourself. i just ask you to stickyour moniker on there if you would, please. down here? no. just atthe bottom there. and then, if you want to waitin the bar, we'll, uh, prepare the roomsfor you. [ man coughing ]
you -- you girls makeyourselves, uh... colin. i was just thinking, col --uh, since i gave you a lift, any chance you could take thelittle monster off us tonight? just for a couple of hours. [ bell chiming ] all right, ron. good man.what you having? i'll have a pint of bitter,please.
so, what can i do for you? hey, you're asking me that?i hardly know you. makes it more exciting.don't you think? [ both laugh ] i'll bring 'em through. so is that your wifeand kids? no, no, no.i'm single, me. young, free, and single. so what you doinghere in blackpool, then?
just checking outthe sights. you know, seeingwhat blackpool has to offer. have, uh, have you ever beenon the big dipper? do you want to get away from ronfor a bit? [ silverware clattering ] [ introductionto "whole wide world" plays ] ♪ when i was a young boy ♪ ♪ my mama said to me ♪ ♪ there's only one girl in the world for you ♪
want to go up there? mind your shoes don't fall off. [ rattling ] [ riders screaming ] ♪ or maybe she's in the bahamas ♪ ♪ where the caribbean sea is blue ♪ ♪ weepin' in a tropical moonlit night ♪ ♪ because nobody's talking about you ♪ ♪ i'd go the whole wide world ♪
♪ just to find her ♪ ♪ to find out where they hide her ♪ ♪ is she lying on a tropical beach somewhere ♪ ♪ underneath a tropical sun ♪ ♪ pining away in a heat wave there ♪ ♪ hoping that i won't be long? ♪ ♪ i should be lying on that sun-soaked beach with her ♪ ♪ caressing her warm, brown skin ♪ ♪ and then in a year or maybe not quite ♪
♪ we'll be sharing the same next of kin ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ [ riders shouting ] mandy: thanks for today. colin: that's all right. i've enjoyed meself. i think i'd best go see ron. he'll be worrying. he won't be, will he? i'd say no. i find myself with someright titheads, i do, colin.
i don't even like him. i only came here 'cause i wantedan holiday with ebony. i best go lookfor me friends. well, if you don't find them,we'll be on the number-1 tram. [ both shouting and laughing ] mandy: gonna get you! [ ebony shrieks, laughs ] [ horn blares ] [ indistinct voices on p.a. ]
man: come and get your black-and-white souvenir photograph. it's only a quid. come and have a look. it's only a pound for a picture. only take a second. you see them on the screenbefore you buy. it's only a quid,if you want one. oh. sorry, there, mate.i'm, uh, i'm going off on one. [ geoff speaking indistinctly ] there you go, duck.
have a look at the screenthere, mate. look at the screen. that's it.cheers. just stand thereand give it a smile. it's only a quidfor a little black-and-white.we do key rings and that. uh, not interested?it's only a yes or a no. i realize you're probably lost.it's a complicated town. but...it's a no. what a no, right?what a no.
never mind. never did he mind me. anybody else? what about you with pikachu? oh. it's an umbrella. [ indistinct talking ] man on p.a.: if you find this exhibition hard to swallow, meet dagamar rockne, the man who can swallow anything. watch this. [ dance music playing ]
♪ oh, dear me ♪ ♪ what do mine eyes see? ♪ ♪ james renald and my love ♪ ♪ sat under yon tree ♪ ♪ my heart, it bleeds ♪ ♪ for she loves him indeed ♪ ♪ sing hi lo lay ♪ ♪ at the end of the day ♪ it's 25 past.what are you doing?
are the shirts all right? don't carry them like that.carry them so they hang. [ bird squawking ] where's the lads? i bet they got pissed againlast night. i wish we had. hey, with a day like i've gottoday, sand, come off it. yeah, well,i'm drinking today. well, you can do what you like,sand. i'm not bothered.
i have noted it, geoff.i have noted it. oh, yeah?and what do you mean by that? "i want to walk down the milewith thee. we could take in a show." all i've taken inis your new trousers. well, hey! nik nik! hey, up. i can't believe i've been drawnagainst you, eh, atkins? hello, me darling.
hi. hey, them trous are a bit tight,aren't they? [ laughing ]hey! this is a nightmare,is this. ladies and gentlemen,will you please welcome onstage, for today's second semifinal, from the twelve nights inn,mick thornton! and from the athletic arms, geoff atkins! go on, geoff!
all right, geoff. go on, geoff. it's the twelve nights inn to throw first. 85. come on, geoff. 6. [ applause, laughter ] 121! yeah! yeah!
come on, geoff. 60. hey, nik nik. 81. [ men chanting ] twelve night! twelve night! twelve night! twelve night! twelve night! emcee: 45. 100.
57. [ men shouting ] 26. come on, now.keep your focus. what -- what you doneto your hair? 58. have a word with yououtside, sandra? hey.just a minute, colin. i've got nowt to sayto thee, geoff.
so why don't youjust go back over there and -- and carry onwatching the darts? yeah, well, why don't youjust clear off, colin? you're not wanted here. she's my wife, geoff. my wife. emcee: 29. and i've come to have a wordwith her, all right? oh, yeah. all right.
you're very plain, colin.all right. sandra, do you want a wordwith your ex-husband? yeah. i do. emcee: 97. well, i'll see youin a minute, eh, sand? lost your woman and all now,eh, nik nik? right. i've had itwith that little bugger. come on, lads.we're gonna sort 'em out. come on.
[ shouting indistinctly ] [ crowd shouting ] it's an offense to impersonate a police officer! all right.anyone fancy a pint? i'll give youa hand. [ geoff shouting indistinctly ] [ sandra speaking softly ] you had a good weekend? how wasthe darts going?
eric bristow's here. is he? i'm glad you come, colin. i nearly didn't,though. thought, "what point?" it clearly got bored. no. let us finish, sand. it got bored. that's what happened.
we'd gone offlike bad milk. and i hadn'tseen it coming. oh, aye, everyone else had.but i didn't. i thoughti were making you happy. you'll never knowhow much that bloody hurt, seeing thee and geoff at it. i-i went to bed that night,and, uh, i-i saw the dents in the -- in the pillowwhere our heads had been. and i thought, "she ain't nevergonna be in this bed again."
i wanted to die. i couldn't havestopped crying. when i did, i-i'd justthink of the pillow, and i'd be off again. daft, isn't it? i'm leaving geoff. good. [ sighs ] i've beena daft sod, haven't i? there's nowt wrongwith thee, sand.
do you want a hug? [ sobbing ]sorry, colin. i love you so much. but i've spent so muchof me life just watching the worldout the shop window. and i thoughtthat was all we both wanted. but now i'm -- i'm seeingthe world from this end. and i want to keep going. i don't want to stop.
i don't want to go backto the shop. to the pub. to me. i'm sorry, sand. so what am i gonna do now? the shop's yours now. you can do whatever you wantwith it. i'm gonna see what's 'roundthe next corner. you take good care,eh, col?
and thee. man: it's a good bike. lots of chrome. great for touring, cruising. beautiful bike. colin: what about that one? again, sports tourerwith 190 miles an hour. i know. quick bike. that's the one for me.
great choice. [ engine humming ] [ up-tempo instrumental musicplays ] [ introduction to"the sleepless sailor" plays ] ♪ i once was a sailor ♪ ♪ a young man and brave ♪ ♪ da da-dum day ♪ ♪ da da-dum dee ♪ ♪ the nights were once sleepless ♪
♪ and peace i would crave ♪ ♪ carry me home to the sea ♪ ♪ drift away, sailor boys ♪ ♪ on the deep sea ♪ ♪ worry no more ♪ ♪ for you're safe now with me ♪ ♪ rest in my arms and my sweet melody ♪ ♪ oh, da da-dum dee ♪
